Feelings of Inadequacy

The starting line of my first half marathon was filled with an energy I'll never forget. Hundreds of people stood shoulder to shoulder in the starting corral, high-fiving and hugging one another, with endless wishes of luck and confidence boosting chatter. I stood next to my two girlfriends and running "solemates" as we geared up our mile calculators and bumpin' music playlists. We, too, wished each other luck and bounded off into the hills of New Bedford when the start was finally signaled. As those first few miles rolled along, I kept looking at the runners surrounding me, and was encased in this amazing feeling of belonging; I thought "I am a runner - these are my people".

That feeling came along with a release of who I wish I was: a Crossfitter. It was the cool thing to do, and everyone was doing it. My husband was one of the first people I knew to dive into this new fitness craze, and I wad endlessly impressed with what he was able to do and the strength he was capable of building. So, at one point, I wanted to give this lifting thing a try myself. I asked my husband to accompany me to the gym I was a member of and show me the basics. Before this, the only squat I had ever done was with my own body weight, and my work outs were about 80% cardio and 20% abdominal crunches. When I first lifted that 45 pound bar, I immediately felt intimidated by it's weight, but also felt part of the cool-club to finally have a barbell on my back. Over the next few months, I learned more and more lifts and was able to slowly increase the weight - and was feeling pretty good about it. That was, until I made the horrible mistake of comparing my abilities to other female Crossfitters and was instantly filled with feelings of inadequacy. 

I felt twangs of jealousy when I met my husband's Crossfit friends - especially the women. Lifting had been difficult for my body, and I envied those who were able to do so much more than I could - not to mention their ability to connect with my husband in an area that I simply could not. I created my own disconnect as I continued to compare, harvest jealousy, and feel bad about what little weight I was able to lift. I was so much happier in my naive little beginners-bubble when I was able to acknowledge my new abilities in comparison to no one but myself; when going from air squats to a 75 pound squat was impressive to me, and when I was able to share those moments of learning in the gym with my husband without feeling like it wasn't enough. I was like the awkward outsider in elementary school who just wanted to be a part of the popular crowd. I wanted so badly to be a part of this fitness phenomenon. I knew I couldn't consider myself a Crossfitter, and so I patted myself on the back for what lifting I did by referring to myself as a "crossfit dabbler" - which I even included in my resume at the time, and was sorely offended when my husband didn't agree with this statement. This just added fuel to my jealousy fire, and deepened my Debbie-downer attitude toward myself. I couldn't do what my husband or his gym-friends could do, I didn't have PR's to compare at social gatherings, I had a very different idea of what a snatch was, and I placed myself uncomfortably on the outside while I longingly looked in. 

These envious feelings carried over to running, too. My husband introduced me to a friend from his gym because she, too, was a runner, and after feeling totally inadequate in the lifting-field, I threw myself into the idea of running a half marathon. Her name was Patty, and not only was she a Crossfitter (damn it!) but she was also a marathon runner - how intimidating. My goal was to do half of what she was capable of. Nevertheless, we went on our blind-running-date and it was here that I realized I was okay at this distance-running thing. Fast forward 4 years and I went from running a max of 8 miles when I met Patty to being persuaded into a 50 mile trail race last fall.

Running gave me the connection, naturally, that I was trying so hard to force with my husband and his friends. It connected me to my roots, since both parents were incredible marathon runners, and when we made it a family tradition to compete against one another in the Father's Day 5k and eventually the New Bedford Half Marathon, my relationship with our crazy running family strengthened even further. Both of my daughters even enjoy running; our littlest participating in kid fun-runs and our oldest already beasting local 5k's and running groups. Finally, I had those people that shared a love and ability of mine, I had people to compare PR's to, and I was able to accept myself for who I was - a runner - and let it be okay that I may never be a Crossfitter. Now, I am able to push some decent weight for the twiggy figure that I am, and have learned to shift my lifting focus to simply aid my running. #lifttorun is a frequently used hashtag among my social media accounts because it helps me remember who I am, and why I'm doing what I do. Because I know those squats and deadlifts are what will charge me up those tough hills, I get through them with nothing but self motivation. I'm reminded of my strengths with each lift and run I complete, and can only do so because I have learned to only compare to myself. I can compare to the athlete I used to be, see the athlete I am now, and set goals for the athlete I want to become. I wasted years wishing I was someone I wasn't, which created tension around my husbands gym schedule, and a negative image of myself. By shifting my focus to what I was able to do instead of what I wasn't, I empowered myself. I found my strengths. I brought myself up instead of down. I created space for growth instead of remaining stuck in a place of yearning. I fell naturally into a place where I was meant to be,

Comparison to others never works. We either put ourselves on a pedestal by viewing others as lesser than, or we think less of ourselves by viewing other's as greater. It keeps us from out natural abilities, needs, passions, and strengths, and creates a ripple effect of tension as our negativity spirals out to members of our families, our friends, and those we compare to. As stated in the book Buddha's Brain: "you have the greatest power over your future self; you hold that life in your hands and what it will be depends on how you care for it". That care has to start with you; your desires, your needs, your health, your thoughts, your actions - all of these things have to be grounded in you. You will never be your authentic self if your growth is based on comparison to those around you. And, as Shannon Kaiser beautifully states in her book Adventures For Your Soul, "when we settle we sacrifice ourselves, and in doing this we hurt our authentic connection with others". Everyone already has those "others" that we compare ourselves to - they need a little you in their life! My husband already had his crew of Crossfitters; what he needed was his runner wife who he could share a passion of fitness with while still being able to embrace our differences. And, as his wife, I owed it to him (and to myself) to just be me: the skinny distance runner who #liftstorun.

It Doesn't Have To Be This Way

Gaining control of your life can come in many different forms. Maybe you need to get out of an unhealthy relationship, or take a career risk to follow your passion, or maybe you just want to change the way you react to life's unexpected plot twists. Whatever the reason and motive behind it, change is possible, and it starts with the simple recognition that it doesn't have to be this way.

For me, gaining control came in the form of realizing that learned behavior from my childhood wasn't the only way. And how would I know otherwise? Here are these supposed examples set before me, and so when life was thrown my direction in a way that was less than pleasurable, the only coping skills I developed were through witnessing; monkey see, monkey do. It wasn't until after high school and becoming a young mom that I finally took hold of the reins of my life and said "I don't like this, I want to change".

No pity-party here; I had a wonderful upbringing full of love and health, was surrounded by great friends, and, as my brother will gladly tell you, I was slightly spoiled. However, it was the way certain family members chose to react to situations, or even ways they lived their lives on a daily basis, that paved the path I would inevitably follow. First, there was the incapability to ever be alone. If they weren't socializing, they were on the phone. When that phone call ended, the next one was dialed. When the phone was put down, the emails were opened and responded to. I witnessed a palpable discomfort and unease in this person when they weren't "connected" in some way. And so, on I went to date early, and from the age of 14, never allowed myself to be alone. I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and when I wasn't with them, I was with friends. In the moments when I was alone at home, or didn't have concrete plans in place for that weekend, I felt anxious. I didn't know how to be alone, and therefore never got to know who I really was as Lauren. I was always someone's girlfriend, someone's ex, someone's friend, someone's something - but never just me. Never just Lauren. I didn't even know that person for who she really was. I had no idea what activities she'd be into if she wasn't following someone else's lead, or how she'd truly dress if she didn't follow the latest Abercrombie and Fitch styles. I had no idea what she looked for in a relationship, because just being in one was more important at the time. I didn't know what she needed in a friendship, because who she was friends with ranked higher on the importance scale than the quality within it. Who knows what great friendships I missed out on because I was focused on the ones I had for all the wrong reasons. Who knows what I would have discovered about myself had I given myself 5 minutes to be single before getting pregnant at 19. But, that way of life, that "never be alone" thought process was what I thought was "right"; it's was the only way I knew how to be, because of my learned behavior.

Next came the attention spotlight. It always shone brightly on a particular family member, and mostly for good reason. Successful business, booming personality, incredible athlete, and impressive intelligence. It's when that spotlight was shifted away, however, that the attention needed to be brought back in a quick fashion. And so, I witnessed an extreme amount of exaggeration, wildly outrageous lies, fabricated stories, and endless poor-me, look-at-me pity parties. Then, there was little ol' me, the monkey, doing as I see, and so I adopted the same unhealthy attention seeking ways. I sulked over minor injuries and milked them for all they were worth, I over exaggerated the severity of my asthma and became quite the actress when having "an attack". When relationships ended I was sure to be the one with all eyes on me, throwing parties, being loud and obnoxious, and scurrying to find the next best thing - which I would plaster all over social media. I thought that this was it, this was the way to be successful in life; good attention or bad attention was still attention, and it's what I grew up believing was important. I either wanted people to be having a blast with me or feeling bad for me. As long as it was all about me, I was doing okay. The thing that brought these thoughts to a halt was realizing just how terrible and unnatural they started to feel.

Suddenly, something shifted in me. For the first time, I craved time alone. For the first time, I looked back at my own lies, exaggerations, and relationship hopping, and was flooded with feelings of guilt and regret. Though I couldn't go back  and change the past, like all happiness gurus will tell you, I could learn from it. I could choose to view it as a pathway instead of a problem. I could focus on the results I wanted instead of the regrets I had. "It doesn't have to be this way" I told myself. I started by acknowledging the fact that, yes, I grew up with these unfortunate examples, but no, I didn't have to use that as an excuse. No, I didn't have to continue to create these lies for attention. No, I didn't have to identify myself as a friend, girlfriend, or ex. I could put a stop to all these learned behaviors that I had been acting out my entire life. I could be alone, I could be honest, I could meet myself for the first time by discovering my own likes, needs, and happiness. And so, I took a leap. I left the man I was dating and father of my first born. I worked on building a massage career instead of staying comfortable in my minimum wage job at the YMCA. I set standards for myself when it came to friends and relationships, and I gave myself permission to put myself first. It took years of committing to these things, but it truly did create the person I am today, who I would consider a very happy, and possibly the most honest person you'll meet. The universe was never out to get me, it was there to support me. All of those circumstances in my life had taught me a lesson. I wouldn't be the mother, wife, friend, or self that I am today without having experienced what I did. But, the biggest part was the decision to change; deciding that I didn't like the way things were, and choosing not to associate myself with attention cravings or constant socialization. I learned to be myself and love that person, and only take action on what felt right for me.

It doesn't matter how your parents were raised, what examples your older siblings set, how others live their lives; all that matters is that you create a life for yourself, rooted in your beliefs and needs. We need to stop making excuses for our poor actions and decisions, because despite our learned behaviors, we always have the option to change. Choose it, choose the change. Take charge. It doesn't have to be this way.

It's All Your Fault, Now Deal With It

I believe in New Year's Resolutions. The blank slate of the New Year is a great jump start for good habit formation, and the knowledge that so many others are participating alongside you can be motivational and a good accountability system to keep you going. Whether your goals are healthy eating and more exercise, or practicing patience with your children and spouse, the end goal is always the same: we want to feel better by doing better. But here's the thing - you will never get to experience those feelings of health, happiness, and other good vibes unless you own up to your shit, and that starts by knowing this blunt fact: it's all your fault.

You are the only one responsible for your actions, the thoughts that follow them, and the blame you attach. Blaming anyone but yourself for the way you feel, the food you put in your mouth, the work out you skipped, and the guilt you harvest because of it is just a way to avoid taking ownership. You need to identify your weakness, blame no one but yourself, and own it. It's yours, it's your own weakness, your own struggle, your own area for change and growth. Know it, claim it, and change it.

Blaming is the easy route because we find comfort in the justification, and in placing the fault elsewhere. But it is our fault. We always have a choice. It's not the holiday season's fault that we gained a few pounds, it's our lack of self control and continual hand-to-mouth motion. It's not our job's fault that we had a bad day and downed a bottle of wine at home, it's the decision we made to handle it in that way. It's not our children's fault that we don't have time to exercise, it's the fact that we don't carve out that time for ourselves - even if that means an early alarm or a late night.

If you step back and look at all the areas in your life where you place the blame elsewhere, surely you can see how you could also take ownership. Taking ownership is the biggest step if you truly want to experience change. This is because when you blame someone or something else for your struggles, you are not the one in control. You are allowing these other people, situations, and things control your decisions and then blaming them for your downfall. Not only is this not fair, but it's not true. Own up to it. Tell yourself it's no ones fault but your own. Take charge. Gain control. Remind yourself that if you don't like something, you can change it.

"All change is the removal of situations, people, habits, and things that no longer serve you. Recognize that each change is happening for you, not to you." - Shannon Kaiser.

^^ Yes. How are you supposed to remove the things that no longer serve you if you allow other people to control just what those things are? You want to drink less but allow the peer pressure of others dictate your decision. You want to eat healthier but won't say no to mom's cooking. You want less drama in your life yet partake in drama filled conversations. You justify these things by blaming everyone but yourself. You make excuses. You temporarily feel better having these decisions justified, but inevitably remain in the same habits that keep you from growing, changing, and stuck where you are. It's okay that you drank at the party because everyone else was, and you didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. It's okay that you ate mom's fried foods because you didn't want to offend her. It's okay that you took part in some chatter about others, because you weren't the one who started the conversation. Blame, blame, and blame again. What happens when you place the blame upon yourself instead? I could have said no to drinking, but allowed others to make that decision for me and now I regret my lack of self control. I could have said no to mom's cooking, but didn't stand up for my health goals and now am left feeling gross. I could have walked away from that conversation, but am now feeling guilty about talking behind someone's back. When the blame is claimed, the situation becomes your fault. Sure, this may not make you feel great, but there is strength in admitting your wrong-doings, your weaknesses, your faults. And, in doing so, you give yourself the power to do something about it.

Knowing that there is no one to blame but yourself for your decisions puts you in a vulnerable place. But it's the only pathway to growth. View your problems as just that: pathways. When it comes to our resolutions, we can already envision our future selves as the person we are striving to be; maybe we are thinner, stronger, more motivated, working our dream job...whatever it may be, there is one key to looking at the future, and that's focusing on the feeling. Sure, we may look better with a little less weight and a little more muscle, but it's how we feel when we look that way that will be a continual motivation. We will beam confidence, we will have more energy, we will feel good about our decisions and their outcome. We will be proud of ourselves for saying no, for walking away, for taking the more difficult but rewarding path. It is then that you will be happy you chose to blame yourself, because you get all the credit. You get to say you did it. Self motivation is the most exhilarating way to keep moving forward with confidence.

"The amount of love you have for yourself is directly proportionate to the amount of blame you will allow in your life" - love and respect yourself enough to own up to your shit. Stop telling yourself you don't have time, make it. Stop telling yourself it's the fault of your work, spouse or kids, Stop justifying things that keep you held back in a rotation of poor habits. Take the blame. Say "it's all my fault" and then DO something about it. Don't throw a pity party; the world isn't happening to you, it's happening for you; for you to learn, for you to grow, for you to find strength within yourself and find the capability to achieve your goals and make them last well beyond those first few months of the New Year. You have weaknesses, you have areas you'd like to change, you have regrets - and you have the power to do something. Find your weakness, take steps to change, remember the feelings of times you regret as motivation to keep going. You got this. 2017 is yours, if you can remember that 2016 was no one's fault but your own. Now deal with it.

Life Interrupts

"Life interrupts" - Just think about it. How many times have things not gone according to plan? Or worse, how many moments have you missed because you stuck with the plan, waving away any interruptions? Once I stumbled upon these two little words, I realized just how much stress I created for myself by becoming frustrated with life's interruptions instead of opening up to them.

Most of you know how much I love my mornings. Pajamas on, coffee hot, book or tablet in hand - it's my time. I wake up early every day regardless of work or exercise simply to treat myself to this peace. However, there are days that I will be tapping away on the keyboard or have my nose buried in an enjoyable chapter, totally engulfed in this quiet time, when I hear the soft footsteps of an eye-rubbing, bed-headed Hannah sneaking down the hallway. I would immediately feel frustrated. Thoughts would emerge like "seriously?? Come on! This is the only time I get to myself all day!" I know she wont fall back asleep, but I tell her it's too early and send her back to bed anyway. Then, naturally after being interrupted, I lose my writing flow or my reading roll, leaving me feeling even more annoyed. Neither one of us was left feeling happy in this scenario, and this teeny cuddly thing will only be little and want to cuddle with me for so long. "Life interrupts" I told myself the next time she graced me with her early bird presence. The book closed, the tablet was placed aside, and I chose to accept this interruption and make it enjoyable. Instead of losing 20 minutes of "mommy time" before exercise or the rest of the house waking, I gained 20 minutes of Hannah snuggles, stories, and smiles. Not to mention the look on her face when I invited her to join me and my fuzzy blanket on the couch instead of sending her back to bed. I embraced the interruption - that's life.

A quote that piggy backs this concept perfectly: "There is very little we can actually resolve; instead, the way to have a greater love of life and to become happier, or at last less neurotic, is to increase our capacity for conflict and to increase our capacity for complexity" (Freud) - Now there's a thought I never stopped to have. I was always focused on simplifying in order to create more time for things that made my life rich, but never did I contemplate adding more space for things to go wrong. Life interrupts, yes, but if we don't allow the space for those interruptions, we could never work with them. I've found that I like to think negatively in a positive light; I allow the wiggle room for the unexpected and potential disappointments simply by reminding myself that they could happen. Or even the simple reminder that kids will be kids, fully equipped with sibling arguments, meltdowns, whiny requests, and complaints. Once that "this will be perfect" image of my day is out of my head, I can accept the day for what it is, and what it always will be is interrupted.

Once I started surrendering myself to these interruptions, I realized just how many moments of my day I was missing in my attempt to stick to the plan - another life lesson in letting go, which I'm finding is and will be never ending. Little things, like when my husband comes over to me when I'm doing the dishes, simply to place his hands on my hips and kiss me; instead of putting the sponge down, turning around and surrendering to this sweet marital moment, I would feel aggravated that my chore was being interrupted. I'd give a half-assed smile, and wouldn't skip a beat at the sink. Now, my little mantra of "life interrupts" has brought many more of these moments into my life because I am able to be in it. Or, another example, when my oldest daughter comes into my room after bedtime to tell me a story from school she forgot to share earlier. Very rarely did I actively listen; I found myself more focused on sending her back to bed than taking this small interruption as an extra moment to share with my girl. Mantra time. I started listening.

My life has improved in so many ways through the inspiration of those two little words. By allowing life to interrupt me, I found a way to be less annoyed, a more attentive mother and wife, and more accepting of the daily chaos. Instead of strictly carving out time for myself and my happiness, I cut into it to leave more room for conflict. Nothing is perfect, nothing is under control - just the way it's supposed to be.

Living the Questions, #1

No one knows you better than you do. This is the exact reason why no one but yourself can be responsible for any changes you wish to make in your life. In order for me to be successful, not only as a wellness coach but in my own personal life, I need to answer the questions I ask my clients; to dig deep myself, to experience what this uncovering feels like and relate to the discomforts and loss of true change. While reading The Comfort Queen's Quide to Life by Jennifer Louden, I was challenged with 40 thought provoking questions that required an honest look at my life and things that need change. I decided to take on this challenge, one question at a time, and to share my answers, experience, and thoughts along the way. As your coach, I am beside you - not above you. I will be by your side throughout your journey, and can do this to the best of my ability by always working on my own. We can both get to know me better together, as I share more about who I am while learning more about myself along the way.

Question #1
What is one thing I need more of in my life right now?
- silence
- energy
- health
- rest
- time with my partner or close friend
- time with my children
- time alone
- creativity
- health food
- fresh air
- moving my body
- peaceful work environment
- relaxed daily routine
- money
- fill in the blank _____________

I read the question, pondering all the possible answers, and using the process of elimination to try and narrow it down to just one. It was harder than I thought. I craved alone time just as much as I craved family time. I often battle with the need to move my body and to rest. And who doesn't want a more relaxed daily routine? Just one, pick just one, I reminded myself. Where do I feel I fall short? What area do I feel could use a real tune up? The answer was tough to swallow; it forced me to admit my short comings, areas of weakness, come face to face with parts of me I liked the least...my choice was parenting.

Facebook is a liar if it leads you to believe that all of my time spent with my daughters is pleasant. True, a lot of it is, and I do truly enjoy being their mother and the wonderful moments we share. But some days, days like yesterday when my daughter arrives home from school and I'm ready to send her right back in the first 5 minutes, those are the days where I'd like to be better. Often, I feel like I spend so much of my energy focusing on my own wellness that my kids get the short end of the stick. I once read that you are only allotted so much self control in one day; this is why its easiest to control ourselves (food intake, patience, healthy decisions) earlier in the day, and slowly have less control as the day goes on. With this in mind, it's easy to see how people can fall apart at the end of the day; they feel snappy, intolerant, reach for that dessert or extra drink, and are running on empty. This is me, 100%. My mornings are wonderful; peaceful coffee sipping while reading or writing, followed by exercise. I make breakfast for the girls in an upbeat, positive manner, and am ready for a day of healing at work. By the time I arrive home, I have given my own needs as well as those of my clients so much attention, that I feel I have little left for the tiny humans I created. I crave more "me-time" to unwind, and find myself feeling frustrated when they demand my attention. I am not enjoying parenting as much as I could be because my energy dispersion is unbalanced. So there. Problem identified, now what?

What one modest step am I willing to take to get more of this one thing in my life?

So, now that my need for more focused energy in my parenting has been identified as a priority for change, just how can I take "one modest" step towards getting more of it? I know it has to be something manageable, something I can easily commit to, but what? Knowing that the end of the day tends to be where things can fall apart, I'll aim for then. But where, specifically, could I apply this modest step that will allow me to engage with the girls without feeling rushed, aggravated, or forced? The answer was obvious, and was found in the place that seemed to be the most rushed, unpleasant part of the day: bedtime. Bedtime could be a very nice, calm experience with cuddles, books, story telling, and reflection. In our house, it's the end of our rope, our last nerve, and focused on the quiet that is to come once the girls are down. It's exactly where I want my "one modest step" to be, and so it needs to be prioritized. I commit to making bedtime a pleasant experience; something we all look forward to, and not just because I get to kick my feet up with tea or wine after, but because I love those little humans, and I want their last moments of the day to be enjoyable. I want to develop a mindset that views my nights with the girls on the same level that I view the mornings with myself: something I crave, cannot wait for, and most important of all, commit to. This little change in attitude will allow me more genuine time with the girls, which is just what I feel I need more of in my life at this time.

Last night as I put the girls to bed, I took my time. I sat in the bathroom with them while they brushed and flossed. I asked to help brush their hair, which is one of my favorite things I don't do often enough; I'm reminded of Lyla as a newborn who was completely bald except for this one "Grandpa strip" of hair along the base of her skull, and of Hannah who recently decided to be her own hair dresser. Instead of rushed hugs, kisses and goodnights, I read each of them a book in bed before leaving their rooms. This was exactly the change we all needed; I wasn't thinking about the time to myself ahead, or viewing their bedtime as a break - I truly enjoyed it, and felt better as a mother for it.

I love a good challenge. Questions like this provide just that - it allows us to become aware of areas in our lives that could be improved, and to do so with just the tools we already have via small, manageable steps. Sometimes its hard to swallow the truth that we could be doing better in specific categories of our lives, but it's also empowering to know that we are in control, and ultimately those things we do not like are changeable. The first step is identifying them, and the questions in this challenge do just that. Everyone's experience with these questions will be different; even those who choose the same "thing" will have different reasons for doing so, and have to take different steps to get there, but I am in this thing called life with you, and together we can ask ourselves such things to create a life worth living.

Habits

"The habit of the habit is more important than the habit itself"

Yup. No matter what the habit is, whether it's considered good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, the fact that you do it habitually is what matters. Understanding this is a key component of behavior change. By identifying which habits you'd like to outgrow, you create time and space for new ones. Acknowledging which current habits enrich your life allows you to strengthen and add to them.

To gain this clarity, begin by holding yourself accountable in those areas you wish to improve. If you claim you don't have time for yourself, it's because you don't MAKE the time for yourself. There is no reason why you can't work full time, have a family, colorful social life, and still create healthy habits. You can tell yourself over and over again that you're too busy, that it's too late, that you're too tired - but you will get yourself nowhere. If you are ready for true growth, know that these excuses and justifications are ones you give yourself; it's not the fault of your job, your children, your spouse, or even the hours of the day that you are continuing on with old habits, it's your own. You have an incredible power to choose how you treat yourself in terms of your own wellness. The ability to identify areas of improvement when it comes to old habits requires you to take ownership; no one is in control of you - except you.

"By guarding against excuses and justifications, and by making our habits as enjoyable as possible, we help ourselves succeed"

Habit formation takes time, and because of this, it's important to build habits that you truly enjoy. If you'd like to change your exercise habits in order to lose weight, but absolutely hate the gym, signing up for one will only have you dreading your new habit. Find a form of exercise that appeals to you, motivates you to get there, and inspires you to stick with it! The same goes for any new habit you wish to form for better wellness - you don't need to eat salad to eat healthy, you don't have to take on your husband's hobby to spend more time together, you don't have to start running for exercise...there will always be a way to incorporate positive change into your routine, but for it to become habitual, your success lies within the enjoyment of the habit.

Of course, there are still going to be things in our lives that we may not enjoy but cannot simply give up because of it. I like to take these things and "make an experience" out of them, in order to add just a little pleasure to something seemingly less pleasant. Take the dishes: I'm a girl who likes her dishes done. Sometimes when I just want to relax, I find that I'm unable to do so with that sink piled high. Instead of dreading this chore and getting frustrated at my inability to kick my feet up at this moment, I turn it into something positive. I'll put on my favorite Pandora station and zone into the music. I'll play along with my daughters favorite game of "waitress" and "ask the staff" for help. Sometimes I'll even race the microwave when heating a coffee or meal (how many dishes can I put away in this 3 minutes!?) Now, this doesn't mean I'm skipping merrily into the kitchen, clicking my heels at every opportunity to get this chore done, but I did manage to create an enjoyable habit around it, and because it was something I enjoyed, it stuck. Habit of the habit.

Change is hard. It's time consuming. It can be frustrating, draining, and challenging. But you have to start somewhere, and this start comes from being ready; ready to tackle the challenge, to openly assess your previous failures and what habits need to be changed to avoid another failed attempt and gain success. Ready to identify your needs for improvement and to hold yourself accountable for why you are where you are, yet giving yourself the power to change and grow. Nothing is as easy at it sounds, but start with the basics: don't like a habit? Change it. Love a habit? Nourish it. Wish to create new habits? Make the time, put in the effort, and make it happen. It's no ones decision or responsibility but your own. As a Welllness Coach, I come in to support you in these changes and habit formations, stand by your side instead of above you, remind your of your strengths and abilities, and help you uncover the difference between who you are now and who you wish to be. This creation is possible through habits, now let's do this.

Who The Hell Are You, Anyway?

Comparison to others; everyone has done it. Sometimes these comparisons can be motivational when used to empower and inspire you, but mostly they leave you feeling inadequate, self loathing, and negatively toward yourself. But most importantly, it takes away from who we really are because we are wasting our energy trying to be like someone else. There is always going to be someone who can do something you can't, who has reached a goal you are struggling with, who is more patient or works harder or whatever it may be - that person will not go away, and, has nothing to do with you.

The difference between "changing" and "transforming" is rooted in who we really are, and therefore cannot be done until we find out who the hell that person is. What is this person passionate about? What are their strengths and struggles, their goals and fears? Even the most simple questions like "what do I hate? What do I love?", when answered honestly and with clarity, can begin thr process of behavior change in order to transform permanently into the person you are truly meant to be. Hate something? Find ways to say no. Love something? Find ways to incorporate it into your life as often as possible. 

It won't happen overnight - you've taken away from yourself by comparing to others for this many years - it'll take some time to get back to basics and realign with yourself. However, identifying some hard facts about yourself based on your own values, opinions and gut feelings will help naturally create a priority list for living. This list is key. It's a clear image of what matters most to you, and puts you in the drivers seat of how you spend your time according to no one but yourself. Ultimately, this creates a much more enjoyable life and happy being, which opens endless doors for further happiness. 

One thing I constantly remind myself and others of is that you are allowed to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness, because it allows you to be the best version of you; the version your kids, spouse, coworkers, clients, and even strangers deserve. Again, this is rooted in getting to know YOU. For me, I've learned that I like a tidy house. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I know that I cannot fully relax or enjoy a game with my daughters if there is a sink full of dirty dishes or cluttered countertop. I used to compare myself to others who were able to let these things go and turn their full attention to their kids, but I found when I tried this approach I was less tolerant, more snappy, and not a whole lot of fun to be around. Then, I would feel bad and talk negatively toward myself about why I was unable to be like the others, leaving me feeling inadequate and down about myself. On top of having a messy kitchen I now had a bad attitude and ruined what should have been enjoyable time with my girls. This wasn't helping anyone be happy, so I had to get to know myself better in this situation instead of looking to others. Maybe so-and-so could thrive with a list of chores, but I could not. Once I allowed this to be okay, things improved. I would quickly load the dishwasher and clear the countertops before agreeing to engage in something else, and found I was actually able to relax and enjoy the time spent afterwards. All from completing two freaking chores! How easy was that? Of course, this wasn't the one solution to my daily happiness and didn't prevent other stressors from arising, but it was an opportunity to learn something about myself, and let go of the thought of how others may handle this differently. So, kitchen clean up moved to the top of my priority list. This was a small change but one that mattered since it allowed me to remove a little daily stress from my life, wasn't time consuming, and created a space for focus in other areas. It wasn't selfish to make my kids wait a few minutes, it was what I needed and the outcome was a more present, patient mother to be around.

It can be as simple as getting a chore done, or as big as getting a divorce - but whatever it may be it needs to come from getting to know yourself. Clarify your needs, your obstacles, and also your joys, and make small changes. These changes will eventually lead to a transformation into the person you are truly meant to be, and cannot be done when comparing yourself to anyone else. But first, you have to introduce yourself - find out who the hell you are.