Gaining control of your life can come in many different forms. Maybe you need to get out of an unhealthy relationship, or take a career risk to follow your passion, or maybe you just want to change the way you react to life's unexpected plot twists. Whatever the reason and motive behind it, change is possible, and it starts with the simple recognition that it doesn't have to be this way.
For me, gaining control came in the form of realizing that learned behavior from my childhood wasn't the only way. And how would I know otherwise? Here are these supposed examples set before me, and so when life was thrown my direction in a way that was less than pleasurable, the only coping skills I developed were through witnessing; monkey see, monkey do. It wasn't until after high school and becoming a young mom that I finally took hold of the reins of my life and said "I don't like this, I want to change".
No pity-party here; I had a wonderful upbringing full of love and health, was surrounded by great friends, and, as my brother will gladly tell you, I was slightly spoiled. However, it was the way certain family members chose to react to situations, or even ways they lived their lives on a daily basis, that paved the path I would inevitably follow. First, there was the incapability to ever be alone. If they weren't socializing, they were on the phone. When that phone call ended, the next one was dialed. When the phone was put down, the emails were opened and responded to. I witnessed a palpable discomfort and unease in this person when they weren't "connected" in some way. And so, on I went to date early, and from the age of 14, never allowed myself to be alone. I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and when I wasn't with them, I was with friends. In the moments when I was alone at home, or didn't have concrete plans in place for that weekend, I felt anxious. I didn't know how to be alone, and therefore never got to know who I really was as Lauren. I was always someone's girlfriend, someone's ex, someone's friend, someone's something - but never just me. Never just Lauren. I didn't even know that person for who she really was. I had no idea what activities she'd be into if she wasn't following someone else's lead, or how she'd truly dress if she didn't follow the latest Abercrombie and Fitch styles. I had no idea what she looked for in a relationship, because just being in one was more important at the time. I didn't know what she needed in a friendship, because who she was friends with ranked higher on the importance scale than the quality within it. Who knows what great friendships I missed out on because I was focused on the ones I had for all the wrong reasons. Who knows what I would have discovered about myself had I given myself 5 minutes to be single before getting pregnant at 19. But, that way of life, that "never be alone" thought process was what I thought was "right"; it's was the only way I knew how to be, because of my learned behavior.
Next came the attention spotlight. It always shone brightly on a particular family member, and mostly for good reason. Successful business, booming personality, incredible athlete, and impressive intelligence. It's when that spotlight was shifted away, however, that the attention needed to be brought back in a quick fashion. And so, I witnessed an extreme amount of exaggeration, wildly outrageous lies, fabricated stories, and endless poor-me, look-at-me pity parties. Then, there was little ol' me, the monkey, doing as I see, and so I adopted the same unhealthy attention seeking ways. I sulked over minor injuries and milked them for all they were worth, I over exaggerated the severity of my asthma and became quite the actress when having "an attack". When relationships ended I was sure to be the one with all eyes on me, throwing parties, being loud and obnoxious, and scurrying to find the next best thing - which I would plaster all over social media. I thought that this was it, this was the way to be successful in life; good attention or bad attention was still attention, and it's what I grew up believing was important. I either wanted people to be having a blast with me or feeling bad for me. As long as it was all about me, I was doing okay. The thing that brought these thoughts to a halt was realizing just how terrible and unnatural they started to feel.
Suddenly, something shifted in me. For the first time, I craved time alone. For the first time, I looked back at my own lies, exaggerations, and relationship hopping, and was flooded with feelings of guilt and regret. Though I couldn't go back and change the past, like all happiness gurus will tell you, I could learn from it. I could choose to view it as a pathway instead of a problem. I could focus on the results I wanted instead of the regrets I had. "It doesn't have to be this way" I told myself. I started by acknowledging the fact that, yes, I grew up with these unfortunate examples, but no, I didn't have to use that as an excuse. No, I didn't have to continue to create these lies for attention. No, I didn't have to identify myself as a friend, girlfriend, or ex. I could put a stop to all these learned behaviors that I had been acting out my entire life. I could be alone, I could be honest, I could meet myself for the first time by discovering my own likes, needs, and happiness. And so, I took a leap. I left the man I was dating and father of my first born. I worked on building a massage career instead of staying comfortable in my minimum wage job at the YMCA. I set standards for myself when it came to friends and relationships, and I gave myself permission to put myself first. It took years of committing to these things, but it truly did create the person I am today, who I would consider a very happy, and possibly the most honest person you'll meet. The universe was never out to get me, it was there to support me. All of those circumstances in my life had taught me a lesson. I wouldn't be the mother, wife, friend, or self that I am today without having experienced what I did. But, the biggest part was the decision to change; deciding that I didn't like the way things were, and choosing not to associate myself with attention cravings or constant socialization. I learned to be myself and love that person, and only take action on what felt right for me.
It doesn't matter how your parents were raised, what examples your older siblings set, how others live their lives; all that matters is that you create a life for yourself, rooted in your beliefs and needs. We need to stop making excuses for our poor actions and decisions, because despite our learned behaviors, we always have the option to change. Choose it, choose the change. Take charge. It doesn't have to be this way.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
It's All Your Fault, Now Deal With It
I believe in New Year's Resolutions. The blank slate of the New Year is a great jump start for good habit formation, and the knowledge that so many others are participating alongside you can be motivational and a good accountability system to keep you going. Whether your goals are healthy eating and more exercise, or practicing patience with your children and spouse, the end goal is always the same: we want to feel better by doing better. But here's the thing - you will never get to experience those feelings of health, happiness, and other good vibes unless you own up to your shit, and that starts by knowing this blunt fact: it's all your fault.
You are the only one responsible for your actions, the thoughts that follow them, and the blame you attach. Blaming anyone but yourself for the way you feel, the food you put in your mouth, the work out you skipped, and the guilt you harvest because of it is just a way to avoid taking ownership. You need to identify your weakness, blame no one but yourself, and own it. It's yours, it's your own weakness, your own struggle, your own area for change and growth. Know it, claim it, and change it.
Blaming is the easy route because we find comfort in the justification, and in placing the fault elsewhere. But it is our fault. We always have a choice. It's not the holiday season's fault that we gained a few pounds, it's our lack of self control and continual hand-to-mouth motion. It's not our job's fault that we had a bad day and downed a bottle of wine at home, it's the decision we made to handle it in that way. It's not our children's fault that we don't have time to exercise, it's the fact that we don't carve out that time for ourselves - even if that means an early alarm or a late night.
If you step back and look at all the areas in your life where you place the blame elsewhere, surely you can see how you could also take ownership. Taking ownership is the biggest step if you truly want to experience change. This is because when you blame someone or something else for your struggles, you are not the one in control. You are allowing these other people, situations, and things control your decisions and then blaming them for your downfall. Not only is this not fair, but it's not true. Own up to it. Tell yourself it's no ones fault but your own. Take charge. Gain control. Remind yourself that if you don't like something, you can change it.
"All change is the removal of situations, people, habits, and things that no longer serve you. Recognize that each change is happening for you, not to you." - Shannon Kaiser.
^^ Yes. How are you supposed to remove the things that no longer serve you if you allow other people to control just what those things are? You want to drink less but allow the peer pressure of others dictate your decision. You want to eat healthier but won't say no to mom's cooking. You want less drama in your life yet partake in drama filled conversations. You justify these things by blaming everyone but yourself. You make excuses. You temporarily feel better having these decisions justified, but inevitably remain in the same habits that keep you from growing, changing, and stuck where you are. It's okay that you drank at the party because everyone else was, and you didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. It's okay that you ate mom's fried foods because you didn't want to offend her. It's okay that you took part in some chatter about others, because you weren't the one who started the conversation. Blame, blame, and blame again. What happens when you place the blame upon yourself instead? I could have said no to drinking, but allowed others to make that decision for me and now I regret my lack of self control. I could have said no to mom's cooking, but didn't stand up for my health goals and now am left feeling gross. I could have walked away from that conversation, but am now feeling guilty about talking behind someone's back. When the blame is claimed, the situation becomes your fault. Sure, this may not make you feel great, but there is strength in admitting your wrong-doings, your weaknesses, your faults. And, in doing so, you give yourself the power to do something about it.
Knowing that there is no one to blame but yourself for your decisions puts you in a vulnerable place. But it's the only pathway to growth. View your problems as just that: pathways. When it comes to our resolutions, we can already envision our future selves as the person we are striving to be; maybe we are thinner, stronger, more motivated, working our dream job...whatever it may be, there is one key to looking at the future, and that's focusing on the feeling. Sure, we may look better with a little less weight and a little more muscle, but it's how we feel when we look that way that will be a continual motivation. We will beam confidence, we will have more energy, we will feel good about our decisions and their outcome. We will be proud of ourselves for saying no, for walking away, for taking the more difficult but rewarding path. It is then that you will be happy you chose to blame yourself, because you get all the credit. You get to say you did it. Self motivation is the most exhilarating way to keep moving forward with confidence.
"The amount of love you have for yourself is directly proportionate to the amount of blame you will allow in your life" - love and respect yourself enough to own up to your shit. Stop telling yourself you don't have time, make it. Stop telling yourself it's the fault of your work, spouse or kids, Stop justifying things that keep you held back in a rotation of poor habits. Take the blame. Say "it's all my fault" and then DO something about it. Don't throw a pity party; the world isn't happening to you, it's happening for you; for you to learn, for you to grow, for you to find strength within yourself and find the capability to achieve your goals and make them last well beyond those first few months of the New Year. You have weaknesses, you have areas you'd like to change, you have regrets - and you have the power to do something. Find your weakness, take steps to change, remember the feelings of times you regret as motivation to keep going. You got this. 2017 is yours, if you can remember that 2016 was no one's fault but your own. Now deal with it.
You are the only one responsible for your actions, the thoughts that follow them, and the blame you attach. Blaming anyone but yourself for the way you feel, the food you put in your mouth, the work out you skipped, and the guilt you harvest because of it is just a way to avoid taking ownership. You need to identify your weakness, blame no one but yourself, and own it. It's yours, it's your own weakness, your own struggle, your own area for change and growth. Know it, claim it, and change it.
Blaming is the easy route because we find comfort in the justification, and in placing the fault elsewhere. But it is our fault. We always have a choice. It's not the holiday season's fault that we gained a few pounds, it's our lack of self control and continual hand-to-mouth motion. It's not our job's fault that we had a bad day and downed a bottle of wine at home, it's the decision we made to handle it in that way. It's not our children's fault that we don't have time to exercise, it's the fact that we don't carve out that time for ourselves - even if that means an early alarm or a late night.
If you step back and look at all the areas in your life where you place the blame elsewhere, surely you can see how you could also take ownership. Taking ownership is the biggest step if you truly want to experience change. This is because when you blame someone or something else for your struggles, you are not the one in control. You are allowing these other people, situations, and things control your decisions and then blaming them for your downfall. Not only is this not fair, but it's not true. Own up to it. Tell yourself it's no ones fault but your own. Take charge. Gain control. Remind yourself that if you don't like something, you can change it.
"All change is the removal of situations, people, habits, and things that no longer serve you. Recognize that each change is happening for you, not to you." - Shannon Kaiser.
^^ Yes. How are you supposed to remove the things that no longer serve you if you allow other people to control just what those things are? You want to drink less but allow the peer pressure of others dictate your decision. You want to eat healthier but won't say no to mom's cooking. You want less drama in your life yet partake in drama filled conversations. You justify these things by blaming everyone but yourself. You make excuses. You temporarily feel better having these decisions justified, but inevitably remain in the same habits that keep you from growing, changing, and stuck where you are. It's okay that you drank at the party because everyone else was, and you didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. It's okay that you ate mom's fried foods because you didn't want to offend her. It's okay that you took part in some chatter about others, because you weren't the one who started the conversation. Blame, blame, and blame again. What happens when you place the blame upon yourself instead? I could have said no to drinking, but allowed others to make that decision for me and now I regret my lack of self control. I could have said no to mom's cooking, but didn't stand up for my health goals and now am left feeling gross. I could have walked away from that conversation, but am now feeling guilty about talking behind someone's back. When the blame is claimed, the situation becomes your fault. Sure, this may not make you feel great, but there is strength in admitting your wrong-doings, your weaknesses, your faults. And, in doing so, you give yourself the power to do something about it.
Knowing that there is no one to blame but yourself for your decisions puts you in a vulnerable place. But it's the only pathway to growth. View your problems as just that: pathways. When it comes to our resolutions, we can already envision our future selves as the person we are striving to be; maybe we are thinner, stronger, more motivated, working our dream job...whatever it may be, there is one key to looking at the future, and that's focusing on the feeling. Sure, we may look better with a little less weight and a little more muscle, but it's how we feel when we look that way that will be a continual motivation. We will beam confidence, we will have more energy, we will feel good about our decisions and their outcome. We will be proud of ourselves for saying no, for walking away, for taking the more difficult but rewarding path. It is then that you will be happy you chose to blame yourself, because you get all the credit. You get to say you did it. Self motivation is the most exhilarating way to keep moving forward with confidence.
"The amount of love you have for yourself is directly proportionate to the amount of blame you will allow in your life" - love and respect yourself enough to own up to your shit. Stop telling yourself you don't have time, make it. Stop telling yourself it's the fault of your work, spouse or kids, Stop justifying things that keep you held back in a rotation of poor habits. Take the blame. Say "it's all my fault" and then DO something about it. Don't throw a pity party; the world isn't happening to you, it's happening for you; for you to learn, for you to grow, for you to find strength within yourself and find the capability to achieve your goals and make them last well beyond those first few months of the New Year. You have weaknesses, you have areas you'd like to change, you have regrets - and you have the power to do something. Find your weakness, take steps to change, remember the feelings of times you regret as motivation to keep going. You got this. 2017 is yours, if you can remember that 2016 was no one's fault but your own. Now deal with it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)