Who The Hell Are You, Anyway?

Comparison to others; everyone has done it. Sometimes these comparisons can be motivational when used to empower and inspire you, but mostly they leave you feeling inadequate, self loathing, and negatively toward yourself. But most importantly, it takes away from who we really are because we are wasting our energy trying to be like someone else. There is always going to be someone who can do something you can't, who has reached a goal you are struggling with, who is more patient or works harder or whatever it may be - that person will not go away, and, has nothing to do with you.

The difference between "changing" and "transforming" is rooted in who we really are, and therefore cannot be done until we find out who the hell that person is. What is this person passionate about? What are their strengths and struggles, their goals and fears? Even the most simple questions like "what do I hate? What do I love?", when answered honestly and with clarity, can begin thr process of behavior change in order to transform permanently into the person you are truly meant to be. Hate something? Find ways to say no. Love something? Find ways to incorporate it into your life as often as possible. 

It won't happen overnight - you've taken away from yourself by comparing to others for this many years - it'll take some time to get back to basics and realign with yourself. However, identifying some hard facts about yourself based on your own values, opinions and gut feelings will help naturally create a priority list for living. This list is key. It's a clear image of what matters most to you, and puts you in the drivers seat of how you spend your time according to no one but yourself. Ultimately, this creates a much more enjoyable life and happy being, which opens endless doors for further happiness. 

One thing I constantly remind myself and others of is that you are allowed to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness, because it allows you to be the best version of you; the version your kids, spouse, coworkers, clients, and even strangers deserve. Again, this is rooted in getting to know YOU. For me, I've learned that I like a tidy house. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I know that I cannot fully relax or enjoy a game with my daughters if there is a sink full of dirty dishes or cluttered countertop. I used to compare myself to others who were able to let these things go and turn their full attention to their kids, but I found when I tried this approach I was less tolerant, more snappy, and not a whole lot of fun to be around. Then, I would feel bad and talk negatively toward myself about why I was unable to be like the others, leaving me feeling inadequate and down about myself. On top of having a messy kitchen I now had a bad attitude and ruined what should have been enjoyable time with my girls. This wasn't helping anyone be happy, so I had to get to know myself better in this situation instead of looking to others. Maybe so-and-so could thrive with a list of chores, but I could not. Once I allowed this to be okay, things improved. I would quickly load the dishwasher and clear the countertops before agreeing to engage in something else, and found I was actually able to relax and enjoy the time spent afterwards. All from completing two freaking chores! How easy was that? Of course, this wasn't the one solution to my daily happiness and didn't prevent other stressors from arising, but it was an opportunity to learn something about myself, and let go of the thought of how others may handle this differently. So, kitchen clean up moved to the top of my priority list. This was a small change but one that mattered since it allowed me to remove a little daily stress from my life, wasn't time consuming, and created a space for focus in other areas. It wasn't selfish to make my kids wait a few minutes, it was what I needed and the outcome was a more present, patient mother to be around.

It can be as simple as getting a chore done, or as big as getting a divorce - but whatever it may be it needs to come from getting to know yourself. Clarify your needs, your obstacles, and also your joys, and make small changes. These changes will eventually lead to a transformation into the person you are truly meant to be, and cannot be done when comparing yourself to anyone else. But first, you have to introduce yourself - find out who the hell you are.