"Life interrupts" - Just think about it. How many times have things not gone according to plan? Or worse, how many moments have you missed because you stuck with the plan, waving away any interruptions? Once I stumbled upon these two little words, I realized just how much stress I created for myself by becoming frustrated with life's interruptions instead of opening up to them.
Most of you know how much I love my mornings. Pajamas on, coffee hot, book or tablet in hand - it's my time. I wake up early every day regardless of work or exercise simply to treat myself to this peace. However, there are days that I will be tapping away on the keyboard or have my nose buried in an enjoyable chapter, totally engulfed in this quiet time, when I hear the soft footsteps of an eye-rubbing, bed-headed Hannah sneaking down the hallway. I would immediately feel frustrated. Thoughts would emerge like "seriously?? Come on! This is the only time I get to myself all day!" I know she wont fall back asleep, but I tell her it's too early and send her back to bed anyway. Then, naturally after being interrupted, I lose my writing flow or my reading roll, leaving me feeling even more annoyed. Neither one of us was left feeling happy in this scenario, and this teeny cuddly thing will only be little and want to cuddle with me for so long. "Life interrupts" I told myself the next time she graced me with her early bird presence. The book closed, the tablet was placed aside, and I chose to accept this interruption and make it enjoyable. Instead of losing 20 minutes of "mommy time" before exercise or the rest of the house waking, I gained 20 minutes of Hannah snuggles, stories, and smiles. Not to mention the look on her face when I invited her to join me and my fuzzy blanket on the couch instead of sending her back to bed. I embraced the interruption - that's life.
A quote that piggy backs this concept perfectly: "There is very little we can actually resolve; instead, the way to have a greater love of life and to become happier, or at last less neurotic, is to increase our capacity for conflict and to increase our capacity for complexity" (Freud) - Now there's a thought I never stopped to have. I was always focused on simplifying in order to create more time for things that made my life rich, but never did I contemplate adding more space for things to go wrong. Life interrupts, yes, but if we don't allow the space for those interruptions, we could never work with them. I've found that I like to think negatively in a positive light; I allow the wiggle room for the unexpected and potential disappointments simply by reminding myself that they could happen. Or even the simple reminder that kids will be kids, fully equipped with sibling arguments, meltdowns, whiny requests, and complaints. Once that "this will be perfect" image of my day is out of my head, I can accept the day for what it is, and what it always will be is interrupted.
Once I started surrendering myself to these interruptions, I realized just how many moments of my day I was missing in my attempt to stick to the plan - another life lesson in letting go, which I'm finding is and will be never ending. Little things, like when my husband comes over to me when I'm doing the dishes, simply to place his hands on my hips and kiss me; instead of putting the sponge down, turning around and surrendering to this sweet marital moment, I would feel aggravated that my chore was being interrupted. I'd give a half-assed smile, and wouldn't skip a beat at the sink. Now, my little mantra of "life interrupts" has brought many more of these moments into my life because I am able to be in it. Or, another example, when my oldest daughter comes into my room after bedtime to tell me a story from school she forgot to share earlier. Very rarely did I actively listen; I found myself more focused on sending her back to bed than taking this small interruption as an extra moment to share with my girl. Mantra time. I started listening.
My life has improved in so many ways through the inspiration of those two little words. By allowing life to interrupt me, I found a way to be less annoyed, a more attentive mother and wife, and more accepting of the daily chaos. Instead of strictly carving out time for myself and my happiness, I cut into it to leave more room for conflict. Nothing is perfect, nothing is under control - just the way it's supposed to be.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Friday, September 2, 2016
Living the Questions, #1
No one knows you better than you do. This is the exact reason why no one but yourself can be responsible for any changes you wish to make in your life. In order for me to be successful, not only as a wellness coach but in my own personal life, I need to answer the questions I ask my clients; to dig deep myself, to experience what this uncovering feels like and relate to the discomforts and loss of true change. While reading The Comfort Queen's Quide to Life by Jennifer Louden, I was challenged with 40 thought provoking questions that required an honest look at my life and things that need change. I decided to take on this challenge, one question at a time, and to share my answers, experience, and thoughts along the way. As your coach, I am beside you - not above you. I will be by your side throughout your journey, and can do this to the best of my ability by always working on my own. We can both get to know me better together, as I share more about who I am while learning more about myself along the way.
Question #1
What is one thing I need more of in my life right now?
- silence
- energy
- health
- rest
- time with my partner or close friend
- time with my children
- time alone
- creativity
- health food
- fresh air
- moving my body
- peaceful work environment
- relaxed daily routine
- money
- fill in the blank _____________
I read the question, pondering all the possible answers, and using the process of elimination to try and narrow it down to just one. It was harder than I thought. I craved alone time just as much as I craved family time. I often battle with the need to move my body and to rest. And who doesn't want a more relaxed daily routine? Just one, pick just one, I reminded myself. Where do I feel I fall short? What area do I feel could use a real tune up? The answer was tough to swallow; it forced me to admit my short comings, areas of weakness, come face to face with parts of me I liked the least...my choice was parenting.
Facebook is a liar if it leads you to believe that all of my time spent with my daughters is pleasant. True, a lot of it is, and I do truly enjoy being their mother and the wonderful moments we share. But some days, days like yesterday when my daughter arrives home from school and I'm ready to send her right back in the first 5 minutes, those are the days where I'd like to be better. Often, I feel like I spend so much of my energy focusing on my own wellness that my kids get the short end of the stick. I once read that you are only allotted so much self control in one day; this is why its easiest to control ourselves (food intake, patience, healthy decisions) earlier in the day, and slowly have less control as the day goes on. With this in mind, it's easy to see how people can fall apart at the end of the day; they feel snappy, intolerant, reach for that dessert or extra drink, and are running on empty. This is me, 100%. My mornings are wonderful; peaceful coffee sipping while reading or writing, followed by exercise. I make breakfast for the girls in an upbeat, positive manner, and am ready for a day of healing at work. By the time I arrive home, I have given my own needs as well as those of my clients so much attention, that I feel I have little left for the tiny humans I created. I crave more "me-time" to unwind, and find myself feeling frustrated when they demand my attention. I am not enjoying parenting as much as I could be because my energy dispersion is unbalanced. So there. Problem identified, now what?
What one modest step am I willing to take to get more of this one thing in my life?
So, now that my need for more focused energy in my parenting has been identified as a priority for change, just how can I take "one modest" step towards getting more of it? I know it has to be something manageable, something I can easily commit to, but what? Knowing that the end of the day tends to be where things can fall apart, I'll aim for then. But where, specifically, could I apply this modest step that will allow me to engage with the girls without feeling rushed, aggravated, or forced? The answer was obvious, and was found in the place that seemed to be the most rushed, unpleasant part of the day: bedtime. Bedtime could be a very nice, calm experience with cuddles, books, story telling, and reflection. In our house, it's the end of our rope, our last nerve, and focused on the quiet that is to come once the girls are down. It's exactly where I want my "one modest step" to be, and so it needs to be prioritized. I commit to making bedtime a pleasant experience; something we all look forward to, and not just because I get to kick my feet up with tea or wine after, but because I love those little humans, and I want their last moments of the day to be enjoyable. I want to develop a mindset that views my nights with the girls on the same level that I view the mornings with myself: something I crave, cannot wait for, and most important of all, commit to. This little change in attitude will allow me more genuine time with the girls, which is just what I feel I need more of in my life at this time.
Last night as I put the girls to bed, I took my time. I sat in the bathroom with them while they brushed and flossed. I asked to help brush their hair, which is one of my favorite things I don't do often enough; I'm reminded of Lyla as a newborn who was completely bald except for this one "Grandpa strip" of hair along the base of her skull, and of Hannah who recently decided to be her own hair dresser. Instead of rushed hugs, kisses and goodnights, I read each of them a book in bed before leaving their rooms. This was exactly the change we all needed; I wasn't thinking about the time to myself ahead, or viewing their bedtime as a break - I truly enjoyed it, and felt better as a mother for it.
I love a good challenge. Questions like this provide just that - it allows us to become aware of areas in our lives that could be improved, and to do so with just the tools we already have via small, manageable steps. Sometimes its hard to swallow the truth that we could be doing better in specific categories of our lives, but it's also empowering to know that we are in control, and ultimately those things we do not like are changeable. The first step is identifying them, and the questions in this challenge do just that. Everyone's experience with these questions will be different; even those who choose the same "thing" will have different reasons for doing so, and have to take different steps to get there, but I am in this thing called life with you, and together we can ask ourselves such things to create a life worth living.
Question #1
What is one thing I need more of in my life right now?
- silence
- energy
- health
- rest
- time with my partner or close friend
- time with my children
- time alone
- creativity
- health food
- fresh air
- moving my body
- peaceful work environment
- relaxed daily routine
- money
- fill in the blank _____________
I read the question, pondering all the possible answers, and using the process of elimination to try and narrow it down to just one. It was harder than I thought. I craved alone time just as much as I craved family time. I often battle with the need to move my body and to rest. And who doesn't want a more relaxed daily routine? Just one, pick just one, I reminded myself. Where do I feel I fall short? What area do I feel could use a real tune up? The answer was tough to swallow; it forced me to admit my short comings, areas of weakness, come face to face with parts of me I liked the least...my choice was parenting.
Facebook is a liar if it leads you to believe that all of my time spent with my daughters is pleasant. True, a lot of it is, and I do truly enjoy being their mother and the wonderful moments we share. But some days, days like yesterday when my daughter arrives home from school and I'm ready to send her right back in the first 5 minutes, those are the days where I'd like to be better. Often, I feel like I spend so much of my energy focusing on my own wellness that my kids get the short end of the stick. I once read that you are only allotted so much self control in one day; this is why its easiest to control ourselves (food intake, patience, healthy decisions) earlier in the day, and slowly have less control as the day goes on. With this in mind, it's easy to see how people can fall apart at the end of the day; they feel snappy, intolerant, reach for that dessert or extra drink, and are running on empty. This is me, 100%. My mornings are wonderful; peaceful coffee sipping while reading or writing, followed by exercise. I make breakfast for the girls in an upbeat, positive manner, and am ready for a day of healing at work. By the time I arrive home, I have given my own needs as well as those of my clients so much attention, that I feel I have little left for the tiny humans I created. I crave more "me-time" to unwind, and find myself feeling frustrated when they demand my attention. I am not enjoying parenting as much as I could be because my energy dispersion is unbalanced. So there. Problem identified, now what?
What one modest step am I willing to take to get more of this one thing in my life?
So, now that my need for more focused energy in my parenting has been identified as a priority for change, just how can I take "one modest" step towards getting more of it? I know it has to be something manageable, something I can easily commit to, but what? Knowing that the end of the day tends to be where things can fall apart, I'll aim for then. But where, specifically, could I apply this modest step that will allow me to engage with the girls without feeling rushed, aggravated, or forced? The answer was obvious, and was found in the place that seemed to be the most rushed, unpleasant part of the day: bedtime. Bedtime could be a very nice, calm experience with cuddles, books, story telling, and reflection. In our house, it's the end of our rope, our last nerve, and focused on the quiet that is to come once the girls are down. It's exactly where I want my "one modest step" to be, and so it needs to be prioritized. I commit to making bedtime a pleasant experience; something we all look forward to, and not just because I get to kick my feet up with tea or wine after, but because I love those little humans, and I want their last moments of the day to be enjoyable. I want to develop a mindset that views my nights with the girls on the same level that I view the mornings with myself: something I crave, cannot wait for, and most important of all, commit to. This little change in attitude will allow me more genuine time with the girls, which is just what I feel I need more of in my life at this time.
Last night as I put the girls to bed, I took my time. I sat in the bathroom with them while they brushed and flossed. I asked to help brush their hair, which is one of my favorite things I don't do often enough; I'm reminded of Lyla as a newborn who was completely bald except for this one "Grandpa strip" of hair along the base of her skull, and of Hannah who recently decided to be her own hair dresser. Instead of rushed hugs, kisses and goodnights, I read each of them a book in bed before leaving their rooms. This was exactly the change we all needed; I wasn't thinking about the time to myself ahead, or viewing their bedtime as a break - I truly enjoyed it, and felt better as a mother for it.
I love a good challenge. Questions like this provide just that - it allows us to become aware of areas in our lives that could be improved, and to do so with just the tools we already have via small, manageable steps. Sometimes its hard to swallow the truth that we could be doing better in specific categories of our lives, but it's also empowering to know that we are in control, and ultimately those things we do not like are changeable. The first step is identifying them, and the questions in this challenge do just that. Everyone's experience with these questions will be different; even those who choose the same "thing" will have different reasons for doing so, and have to take different steps to get there, but I am in this thing called life with you, and together we can ask ourselves such things to create a life worth living.
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