Gaining control of your life can come in many different forms. Maybe you need to get out of an unhealthy relationship, or take a career risk to follow your passion, or maybe you just want to change the way you react to life's unexpected plot twists. Whatever the reason and motive behind it, change is possible, and it starts with the simple recognition that it doesn't have to be this way.
For me, gaining control came in the form of realizing that learned behavior from my childhood wasn't the only way. And how would I know otherwise? Here are these supposed examples set before me, and so when life was thrown my direction in a way that was less than pleasurable, the only coping skills I developed were through witnessing; monkey see, monkey do. It wasn't until after high school and becoming a young mom that I finally took hold of the reins of my life and said "I don't like this, I want to change".
No pity-party here; I had a wonderful upbringing full of love and health, was surrounded by great friends, and, as my brother will gladly tell you, I was slightly spoiled. However, it was the way certain family members chose to react to situations, or even ways they lived their lives on a daily basis, that paved the path I would inevitably follow. First, there was the incapability to ever be alone. If they weren't socializing, they were on the phone. When that phone call ended, the next one was dialed. When the phone was put down, the emails were opened and responded to. I witnessed a palpable discomfort and unease in this person when they weren't "connected" in some way. And so, on I went to date early, and from the age of 14, never allowed myself to be alone. I went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and when I wasn't with them, I was with friends. In the moments when I was alone at home, or didn't have concrete plans in place for that weekend, I felt anxious. I didn't know how to be alone, and therefore never got to know who I really was as Lauren. I was always someone's girlfriend, someone's ex, someone's friend, someone's something - but never just me. Never just Lauren. I didn't even know that person for who she really was. I had no idea what activities she'd be into if she wasn't following someone else's lead, or how she'd truly dress if she didn't follow the latest Abercrombie and Fitch styles. I had no idea what she looked for in a relationship, because just being in one was more important at the time. I didn't know what she needed in a friendship, because who she was friends with ranked higher on the importance scale than the quality within it. Who knows what great friendships I missed out on because I was focused on the ones I had for all the wrong reasons. Who knows what I would have discovered about myself had I given myself 5 minutes to be single before getting pregnant at 19. But, that way of life, that "never be alone" thought process was what I thought was "right"; it's was the only way I knew how to be, because of my learned behavior.
Next came the attention spotlight. It always shone brightly on a particular family member, and mostly for good reason. Successful business, booming personality, incredible athlete, and impressive intelligence. It's when that spotlight was shifted away, however, that the attention needed to be brought back in a quick fashion. And so, I witnessed an extreme amount of exaggeration, wildly outrageous lies, fabricated stories, and endless poor-me, look-at-me pity parties. Then, there was little ol' me, the monkey, doing as I see, and so I adopted the same unhealthy attention seeking ways. I sulked over minor injuries and milked them for all they were worth, I over exaggerated the severity of my asthma and became quite the actress when having "an attack". When relationships ended I was sure to be the one with all eyes on me, throwing parties, being loud and obnoxious, and scurrying to find the next best thing - which I would plaster all over social media. I thought that this was it, this was the way to be successful in life; good attention or bad attention was still attention, and it's what I grew up believing was important. I either wanted people to be having a blast with me or feeling bad for me. As long as it was all about me, I was doing okay. The thing that brought these thoughts to a halt was realizing just how terrible and unnatural they started to feel.
Suddenly, something shifted in me. For the first time, I craved time alone. For the first time, I looked back at my own lies, exaggerations, and relationship hopping, and was flooded with feelings of guilt and regret. Though I couldn't go back and change the past, like all happiness gurus will tell you, I could learn from it. I could choose to view it as a pathway instead of a problem. I could focus on the results I wanted instead of the regrets I had. "It doesn't have to be this way" I told myself. I started by acknowledging the fact that, yes, I grew up with these unfortunate examples, but no, I didn't have to use that as an excuse. No, I didn't have to continue to create these lies for attention. No, I didn't have to identify myself as a friend, girlfriend, or ex. I could put a stop to all these learned behaviors that I had been acting out my entire life. I could be alone, I could be honest, I could meet myself for the first time by discovering my own likes, needs, and happiness. And so, I took a leap. I left the man I was dating and father of my first born. I worked on building a massage career instead of staying comfortable in my minimum wage job at the YMCA. I set standards for myself when it came to friends and relationships, and I gave myself permission to put myself first. It took years of committing to these things, but it truly did create the person I am today, who I would consider a very happy, and possibly the most honest person you'll meet. The universe was never out to get me, it was there to support me. All of those circumstances in my life had taught me a lesson. I wouldn't be the mother, wife, friend, or self that I am today without having experienced what I did. But, the biggest part was the decision to change; deciding that I didn't like the way things were, and choosing not to associate myself with attention cravings or constant socialization. I learned to be myself and love that person, and only take action on what felt right for me.
It doesn't matter how your parents were raised, what examples your older siblings set, how others live their lives; all that matters is that you create a life for yourself, rooted in your beliefs and needs. We need to stop making excuses for our poor actions and decisions, because despite our learned behaviors, we always have the option to change. Choose it, choose the change. Take charge. It doesn't have to be this way.
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