My disordered eating has been a decade long journey. From being overly restrictive to binges, excessive exercise to calorie counting, it has been a long road to healing. I took a leap of faith when we moved south and said "fuck it" to the hold food and exercise had on me. Now, nearly three years later, I am noticing so many ways I have healed, and figured it was worth a share so that anyone out there who is still struggling can know there is an end to the obsessive thoughts and anxiety.
Here are some things I have noticed:
I no longer start my day thinking about the things I ate the day before.
I no longer end my days with guilt, or plans of a healthier tomorrow.
The clock doesn't determine when I am "allowed" to eat - hunger cues do.
Rest days don't revolve around the previous days food choices.
Work out success isn't measured by calories burned.
I order whatever the hell sounds good on the menu when eating out, whether the calories are listed or not.
I don't bring my own foods to cookouts, and enjoy whatever is served.
I exercise to appreciate my body, instead of punish it.
I pause to think about the foods I am in the mood for, rather than eating what I "should".
I can recognize water weight after an indulgent night and know it's proof of enjoyment.
I respect my body's cravings even if they are considered less healthy.
I've also noticed:
More self love. Less anxiety. The fact that my body actually does better with less strenuous work outs and more foods. That the scale doesn't mean shit. That your body image is less important than eating the cake at the party. That you're a dick if you bring your own meal to a wedding. That at the end of the day, enjoying foods and movements you love balanced with the healthy shit is all that matters.
Food and exercise shouldn't consume your thoughts.
Having quiet coffee in the morning with a book - without the chatter of "I ate too much. That was bad. I am bad. I'm going to run 10 miles" - is the most freedom I have felt within myself. My day flows with nothing but good energy; good sounding foods, good sounding movement. Being obsessively healthy is still being obsessive. This life is for enjoying, living. I hope anyone who feels prisoner to food and exercise can break free; it's pretty freaking amazing.
