That feeling came along with a release of who I wish I was: a Crossfitter. It was the cool thing to do, and everyone was doing it. My husband was one of the first people I knew to dive into this new fitness craze, and I wad endlessly impressed with what he was able to do and the strength he was capable of building. So, at one point, I wanted to give this lifting thing a try myself. I asked my husband to accompany me to the gym I was a member of and show me the basics. Before this, the only squat I had ever done was with my own body weight, and my work outs were about 80% cardio and 20% abdominal crunches. When I first lifted that 45 pound bar, I immediately felt intimidated by it's weight, but also felt part of the cool-club to finally have a barbell on my back. Over the next few months, I learned more and more lifts and was able to slowly increase the weight - and was feeling pretty good about it. That was, until I made the horrible mistake of comparing my abilities to other female Crossfitters and was instantly filled with feelings of inadequacy.
I felt twangs of jealousy when I met my husband's Crossfit friends - especially the women. Lifting had been difficult for my body, and I envied those who were able to do so much more than I could - not to mention their ability to connect with my husband in an area that I simply could not. I created my own disconnect as I continued to compare, harvest jealousy, and feel bad about what little weight I was able to lift. I was so much happier in my naive little beginners-bubble when I was able to acknowledge my new abilities in comparison to no one but myself; when going from air squats to a 75 pound squat was impressive to me, and when I was able to share those moments of learning in the gym with my husband without feeling like it wasn't enough. I was like the awkward outsider in elementary school who just wanted to be a part of the popular crowd. I wanted so badly to be a part of this fitness phenomenon. I knew I couldn't consider myself a Crossfitter, and so I patted myself on the back for what lifting I did by referring to myself as a "crossfit dabbler" - which I even included in my resume at the time, and was sorely offended when my husband didn't agree with this statement. This just added fuel to my jealousy fire, and deepened my Debbie-downer attitude toward myself. I couldn't do what my husband or his gym-friends could do, I didn't have PR's to compare at social gatherings, I had a very different idea of what a snatch was, and I placed myself uncomfortably on the outside while I longingly looked in.
These envious feelings carried over to running, too. My husband introduced me to a friend from his gym because she, too, was a runner, and after feeling totally inadequate in the lifting-field, I threw myself into the idea of running a half marathon. Her name was Patty, and not only was she a Crossfitter (damn it!) but she was also a marathon runner - how intimidating. My goal was to do half of what she was capable of. Nevertheless, we went on our blind-running-date and it was here that I realized I was okay at this distance-running thing. Fast forward 4 years and I went from running a max of 8 miles when I met Patty to being persuaded into a 50 mile trail race last fall.
Running gave me the connection, naturally, that I was trying so hard to force with my husband and his friends. It connected me to my roots, since both parents were incredible marathon runners, and when we made it a family tradition to compete against one another in the Father's Day 5k and eventually the New Bedford Half Marathon, my relationship with our crazy running family strengthened even further. Both of my daughters even enjoy running; our littlest participating in kid fun-runs and our oldest already beasting local 5k's and running groups. Finally, I had those people that shared a love and ability of mine, I had people to compare PR's to, and I was able to accept myself for who I was - a runner - and let it be okay that I may never be a Crossfitter. Now, I am able to push some decent weight for the twiggy figure that I am, and have learned to shift my lifting focus to simply aid my running. #lifttorun is a frequently used hashtag among my social media accounts because it helps me remember who I am, and why I'm doing what I do. Because I know those squats and deadlifts are what will charge me up those tough hills, I get through them with nothing but self motivation. I'm reminded of my strengths with each lift and run I complete, and can only do so because I have learned to only compare to myself. I can compare to the athlete I used to be, see the athlete I am now, and set goals for the athlete I want to become. I wasted years wishing I was someone I wasn't, which created tension around my husbands gym schedule, and a negative image of myself. By shifting my focus to what I was able to do instead of what I wasn't, I empowered myself. I found my strengths. I brought myself up instead of down. I created space for growth instead of remaining stuck in a place of yearning. I fell naturally into a place where I was meant to be,
Comparison to others never works. We either put ourselves on a pedestal by viewing others as lesser than, or we think less of ourselves by viewing other's as greater. It keeps us from out natural abilities, needs, passions, and strengths, and creates a ripple effect of tension as our negativity spirals out to members of our families, our friends, and those we compare to. As stated in the book Buddha's Brain: "you have the greatest power over your future self; you hold that life in your hands and what it will be depends on how you care for it". That care has to start with you; your desires, your needs, your health, your thoughts, your actions - all of these things have to be grounded in you. You will never be your authentic self if your growth is based on comparison to those around you. And, as Shannon Kaiser beautifully states in her book Adventures For Your Soul, "when we settle we sacrifice ourselves, and in doing this we hurt our authentic connection with others". Everyone already has those "others" that we compare ourselves to - they need a little you in their life! My husband already had his crew of Crossfitters; what he needed was his runner wife who he could share a passion of fitness with while still being able to embrace our differences. And, as his wife, I owed it to him (and to myself) to just be me: the skinny distance runner who #liftstorun.
Comparison to others never works. We either put ourselves on a pedestal by viewing others as lesser than, or we think less of ourselves by viewing other's as greater. It keeps us from out natural abilities, needs, passions, and strengths, and creates a ripple effect of tension as our negativity spirals out to members of our families, our friends, and those we compare to. As stated in the book Buddha's Brain: "you have the greatest power over your future self; you hold that life in your hands and what it will be depends on how you care for it". That care has to start with you; your desires, your needs, your health, your thoughts, your actions - all of these things have to be grounded in you. You will never be your authentic self if your growth is based on comparison to those around you. And, as Shannon Kaiser beautifully states in her book Adventures For Your Soul, "when we settle we sacrifice ourselves, and in doing this we hurt our authentic connection with others". Everyone already has those "others" that we compare ourselves to - they need a little you in their life! My husband already had his crew of Crossfitters; what he needed was his runner wife who he could share a passion of fitness with while still being able to embrace our differences. And, as his wife, I owed it to him (and to myself) to just be me: the skinny distance runner who #liftstorun.
