I believe in New Year's Resolutions. The blank slate of the New Year is a great jump start for good habit formation, and the knowledge that so many others are participating alongside you can be motivational and a good accountability system to keep you going. Whether your goals are healthy eating and more exercise, or practicing patience with your children and spouse, the end goal is always the same: we want to feel better by doing better. But here's the thing - you will never get to experience those feelings of health, happiness, and other good vibes unless you own up to your shit, and that starts by knowing this blunt fact: it's all your fault.
You are the only one responsible for your actions, the thoughts that follow them, and the blame you attach. Blaming anyone but yourself for the way you feel, the food you put in your mouth, the work out you skipped, and the guilt you harvest because of it is just a way to avoid taking ownership. You need to identify your weakness, blame no one but yourself, and own it. It's yours, it's your own weakness, your own struggle, your own area for change and growth. Know it, claim it, and change it.
Blaming is the easy route because we find comfort in the justification, and in placing the fault elsewhere. But it is our fault. We always have a choice. It's not the holiday season's fault that we gained a few pounds, it's our lack of self control and continual hand-to-mouth motion. It's not our job's fault that we had a bad day and downed a bottle of wine at home, it's the decision we made to handle it in that way. It's not our children's fault that we don't have time to exercise, it's the fact that we don't carve out that time for ourselves - even if that means an early alarm or a late night.
If you step back and look at all the areas in your life where you place the blame elsewhere, surely you can see how you could also take ownership. Taking ownership is the biggest step if you truly want to experience change. This is because when you blame someone or something else for your struggles, you are not the one in control. You are allowing these other people, situations, and things control your decisions and then blaming them for your downfall. Not only is this not fair, but it's not true. Own up to it. Tell yourself it's no ones fault but your own. Take charge. Gain control. Remind yourself that if you don't like something, you can change it.
"All change is the removal of situations, people, habits, and things that no longer serve you. Recognize that each change is happening for you, not to you." - Shannon Kaiser.
^^ Yes. How are you supposed to remove the things that no longer serve you if you allow other people to control just what those things are? You want to drink less but allow the peer pressure of others dictate your decision. You want to eat healthier but won't say no to mom's cooking. You want less drama in your life yet partake in drama filled conversations. You justify these things by blaming everyone but yourself. You make excuses. You temporarily feel better having these decisions justified, but inevitably remain in the same habits that keep you from growing, changing, and stuck where you are. It's okay that you drank at the party because everyone else was, and you didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. It's okay that you ate mom's fried foods because you didn't want to offend her. It's okay that you took part in some chatter about others, because you weren't the one who started the conversation. Blame, blame, and blame again. What happens when you place the blame upon yourself instead? I could have said no to drinking, but allowed others to make that decision for me and now I regret my lack of self control. I could have said no to mom's cooking, but didn't stand up for my health goals and now am left feeling gross. I could have walked away from that conversation, but am now feeling guilty about talking behind someone's back. When the blame is claimed, the situation becomes your fault. Sure, this may not make you feel great, but there is strength in admitting your wrong-doings, your weaknesses, your faults. And, in doing so, you give yourself the power to do something about it.
Knowing that there is no one to blame but yourself for your decisions puts you in a vulnerable place. But it's the only pathway to growth. View your problems as just that: pathways. When it comes to our resolutions, we can already envision our future selves as the person we are striving to be; maybe we are thinner, stronger, more motivated, working our dream job...whatever it may be, there is one key to looking at the future, and that's focusing on the feeling. Sure, we may look better with a little less weight and a little more muscle, but it's how we feel when we look that way that will be a continual motivation. We will beam confidence, we will have more energy, we will feel good about our decisions and their outcome. We will be proud of ourselves for saying no, for walking away, for taking the more difficult but rewarding path. It is then that you will be happy you chose to blame yourself, because you get all the credit. You get to say you did it. Self motivation is the most exhilarating way to keep moving forward with confidence.
"The amount of love you have for yourself is directly proportionate to the amount of blame you will allow in your life" - love and respect yourself enough to own up to your shit. Stop telling yourself you don't have time, make it. Stop telling yourself it's the fault of your work, spouse or kids, Stop justifying things that keep you held back in a rotation of poor habits. Take the blame. Say "it's all my fault" and then DO something about it. Don't throw a pity party; the world isn't happening to you, it's happening for you; for you to learn, for you to grow, for you to find strength within yourself and find the capability to achieve your goals and make them last well beyond those first few months of the New Year. You have weaknesses, you have areas you'd like to change, you have regrets - and you have the power to do something. Find your weakness, take steps to change, remember the feelings of times you regret as motivation to keep going. You got this. 2017 is yours, if you can remember that 2016 was no one's fault but your own. Now deal with it.
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