Rigidity

 Rigidity. This word has been heavy on my mind recently..

It causes anxiety; not only for yourself, but for those around you. It causes you to stay stuck in your ways and avoid growth. It causes you to point the finger at others instead of looking inward. 

It’s easy to be rigid, especially when you firmly believe your reasoning behind it. A big one for me was food. I used to be so rigid about eating clean. I became obsessed with reading labels, cutting out food groups, labeling foods as “good” or “bad”. I stayed so stuck in this because I firmly believed that treating my body like a temple was the healthiest thing I could do. But if I’m being honest, all it really did was cause me to be a major pain in the ass. Going out for dinner was anything but simple, friends and family fretted having me over because they didn’t know what to serve. My kids would call me from sleepovers asking permission to eat “junk” foods, and I basically gave myself a heart attack anytime I heard they had access to fast food. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, keeping myself and my kiddos healthy. But what I really did was create a world of anxiety for myself, my kids, my husband and my circle. 

I believe when you are too rigid, you are also controlling. You try to control everything and everyone around you to share your same feelings and beliefs. Spoiler alert: this is no good. My husband is a wonderful man, but he is also a Portuguese man who can have a hot temper. I remember in the early years of our marriage, I’d see him get overly frustrated at a situation or task, and escalate the situation by getting myself upset at the fact that he can’t calm down quickly, or let it go the way I would. The rigidity of my own beliefs in how he should handle a situation didn’t allow a safe space for him to simply be upset. 

It was easy to point the finger. Anyone who didn’t eat clean were the wrong ones (your body is the only place you have to live!). Anyone who offered my kids Burger King didn’t care about their health (do they even KNOW what’s in that food!?). My husband was automatically in the wrong because my patience trumped his reaction (you’re a grown up, control yourself!). But all that finger pointing did was make everything worse. My anxiety had a ripple effect that touched everyone around me. 

The solution to rigidity is flexibility. In an impossibly perfect world, things would just go our way. But that’s not real life, not realistic, and thinking otherwise sets us up for failure. The more flexible we can be, the more at ease our lives can be. But the hard truth is that we only have control of our own flexibility. The good news is, the more flexible we become, the more at ease people feel around us. And sometimes, the things we wished to control, naturally fall into place when you are less rigid because it creates a safe space for people to just be. 

So instead of looking at what I could control based on my own rigid beliefs, I looked at the role I played in my own suffering - and how it affected those around me. I still enjoy eating healthy (if my kids had a dollar for every time I asked them what they had for protein, they would be financially set for life) - but I’m much more flexible. And the result of that flexibility is a more comfortable family; whether it be a dinner party, a sleepover, a road trip meal - I’ve let go of judgement and let my kids be kids. 

And with my husband, I realized that the only reaction I can control is my own. So if he’s working on a house project that isn’t going as planned, I’ve learned to ask how I can help instead of reacting to his reaction. Sometimes that help is giving him space. Sometimes that help is getting dinner ready for when he’s done. Sometimes it’s bringing him a cold beer. But the less I react, the sooner he calms down on his own. My rigid thoughts on how he should think and act only hurt the situation. 

Rigidity keeps us stuck. Flexibility creates peace. It makes space. It allows growth. The examples above are just a couple ways I swapped rigidity for flexibility, and sometimes that can feel like you’re the only one doing the work. But you’ve got to let that go, because doing work to feel better and watch how that positively affects those around you makes the work worth it. 

Don’t stay stuck. 

New Year, New Back

 2025 was the year of the back. 

And trust me, I’m just as tired of talking about it as my friends and family must be of hearing about it. So here’s to getting it all out one last time, and leaving pain in the past. 

For over 10 years, I struggled with back pain. I suffered a lifting injury that left 3 discs herniated, and one with a slight fracture. And even though those injuries healed over time with the help of consistent chiropractic care and strengthening exercises, the flare ups and pains were endless. When I say I tried it all, I mean it; 7 chiropractors, decompression, laser & shock wave treatments, sports massage, dry needling, physical therapy, an my last resort: injections. It was this last year that put me over the edge when it began affecting my job, my ability to attend my kiddo’s volleyball games, intimacy, travel…you name it. “Bad back days” became part of my routine, and a disappointment to my family. 

Surgery is always a last resort, and a tough decision - especially when you don’t have everyone’s support in your choice. But I felt I had no choice; my quality of life was lessening at an increasing rate. Even a sneeze could send me to the couch for the day. But, when your care team who also does all they can to avoid surgery tells you it’s time, it’s time. 

I was absolutely horrified and angry when I found out my surgical option was a fusion. That was the last procedure I wanted so young, and the one I was told to avoid the most. But, due to my degenerative disc disease and the state of the disc causing these pains, it was the best and really, only option. 

So I moved forward. Knowing that it’s a long recovery. Knowing it would get worse before it got better. Knowing how much my family would have to step up for my recovery. And, knowing my running days would be over. 

I was a runner for 30 years. I ran everything from 5k’s to 50 miles. It was a sport that brought me so much, from some of my best friends, to mental release, to a shared family bond. It was hard to give up. But also a decision I knew I had to make if I wanted to prolong future surgeries and experience a life without back pain. So, the day before my surgery, I hopped on the treadmill for one final mile. I relished in how natural the movement was, and cried knowing that three decades of miles was wrapped up in this final one. My running shoes officially retired. 

Surgery day arrived and let me tell you, I almost turned on my heels and walked right back out that door. The nerves and anxiety were real. I had nightmares for days leading up to the procedure, varying from being paralyzed to dying. I wrote my kids and husband “just incase” letters, jotted down will-wishes, and made it 10x’s worse for myself in my head. Not for nothing, I was warned that this was major surgery with risks - especially the nature of the operation, where they go in through the abdomen and do all the fixtures on the front portion of my spine. Funny how after having two babies naturally, I somehow still ended up with a c-section. And let me tell you, c-section mama’s deserve a damn award. After the pain I was in, primarily from my incision, I could not fathom having to carry, feed, and change a newborn on top of it. Hats off to you, mama’s. Really. 

Those first few days of pain were unreal. Pain from the front straight to the back. Getting up and down was a small piece of hell. Narcotics left me with no appetite and more unwanted weight loss. I definitely had a few “what have I done!?” moments for sure. 

And then, just over a week post-op, the pains diminished. I was able to increase my walks, get off the couch and out of bed with no assistance, and begin to think I made the right choice. 

There’s a long road ahead, a lot to sacrifice, a lot of changes to make moving forward. But here’s to leaving back pain in 2025. Here’s to 2026 being the year I won’t have to think about chairs at restaurants, worry about hotel beds, wear a back brace to work, or put a damper on family plans. Here’s to hoping I’m someone that says “this was so worth it, I wish I did it years ago”. Here’s to discovering new ways to exercise, and remembering all I accomplished in my running days. 

My friends and family have been nothing short of incredible. From traveling, visiting, cooking, keeping me company, driving me to appointments - they’ve made this all so much easier. 

And to my husband, who, poor guy, thought I died in the OR after hearing a Code Blue for my surgical wing - thank you for stepping up in all the ways you are needed. He also has a wife who used to run marathons who can’t anymore, so send this man some beer and whiskey. 🥃 

I wish this was something we were aware of sooner, so I could have stopped running and decreased my need for surgery, but we can’t move backwards. Now, I’m just excited to get my life back after what will be a very long 2 months of nothing but walking and rest. 

So back pain, I send you off kindly with a middle finger 🖕 

Cheers to 2026 🥂 

Self Love With Food

 I love talking about food struggles.

That may sound odd, but I believe more of us struggle with our relationship with food than we may let on.

For years my eating habits fell into this same cycle: feeling "good" when I under ate, feeling guilty when I ate "bad" foods or "too much", or a binge followed by severe restriction along with over exercising to "make up" for it. Any of this sound familiar? 

I've done it all from intermittent fasting, to paleo, to FODMAP, to juice cleanses...you name it. I always justified whatever season of disordered eating I was in by telling myself I was healthy, and making the best choice for my body. (Your body is a temple, blah blah blah). 

The reality is, the more strict I was with my diet, the more unhappy I became. Every fleeting thought was about food; what did I eat the night before? What will I have for breakfast based on that? I can look back at photos of me at events or parties and know exactly where my mind was with food. "Oh, this was the day I binged on candy and ran a Spartan Race the following day." "This was the wedding where I brought my own dinner of sweet potatoes and chicken." "This was the night I skipped dinner because I couldn't stop eating snacks." Food is something that is meant to nourish us, give us energy, refuel us...and here I was using it as a control tool. And before I knew it, I was the one being controlled. 

In hopes of helping others who are struggling with their relationship with food or any form of disordered eating, let me tell you how some popular "diet culture" fads failed me. 

Intermittent Fasting. There are multiple ways to fast, but the one I followed allowed me (how sad) to eat for 8 hours of the day, and fast for the remaining 16. So basically, I would stop eating by 8pm, skip breakfast, and have my first meal of the day at 12. Before I move forward I would like to recognize that there are some very real health benefits to fasting at times; for example, it completely regulated my menstrual cycle. But that's enough of that, here's the downside: 

- it caused me to ignore my body's natural hunger cues

- it gave me an excuse to eat however much I wanted in my "eating window" which often lead to me feeling uncomfortably full 

- I missed out Sunday morning cozy breakfasts

- I had to keep myself busy to distract myself from morning hunger

Calorie Counting. This was probably the most detrimental thing I did for my "health". I used an app where you entered all your information (height, weight, activity levels, goals) and the app would allot you so many calories to hit per day, along with grams of fat, carbs, proteins, etc. Even if you went over your amount by one calorie, the tracker would turn bold, bright red, and display failure with a big fat -1. We're talking about a single calorie here, but it effected my mental health so poorly that I would dub the day as failed, and binge eat whatever I wanted to because I already "messed up". This always lead to:

- over exercising the next day fueled by guilt

- restricting food until I "made up" for the extra calories I ate the previous day 

- feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto my husband and daughters

- not sharing food because I already logged every bite

- not partaking in family ice cream nights because I "ran out" of calories

- hating my body for the ebbs and flows of bloating 

Diets. Of course, this doesn't include people who have real medical issues like celiac disease or true food allergies. For me, it started after the birth of our second daughter who turned out to have some real allergies herself. Since I was nursing, a new food was cut from my diet at each doctors appointment until I was almost fully Paleo (no breads, dairy, legumes, refined sugars, trans fats). After a year of nursing and sticking to this diet, my body had a hard time introducing the non-paleo-approved foods back into my diet. Instead of doing it correctly and slowly incorporating these back in, I took it as a self diagnosed food allergy and ran with it. Food labels became my obsession. I needed to eat as clean as possible. This failed me for many reasons:

- I made myself a different meal than my family each night

- I brought my own foods to holidays, dinners, even weddings

- I labeled foods as good and bad

- anxiety flooded me with every restaurant invitation 

- my daughters growing up hearing me say things like "I can't eat that, I won't eat that".

All of this was such a silent struggle for me. People assumed that because I'm naturally thin, a runner, and an upbeat, positive person that I was healthy. But, going through all these food-fads was the most unhappy I had been and one of my biggest inner struggles. I hated how I felt, I was sick and freaking tired of almonds and sweet potatoes, I was deprived from the true joy of food: a table surrounded my family at holidays, a beautifully cooked meal by a dear friend, comfort food from your mama. I made everyone around me anxious and uncomfortable because they never knew what to cook or where to take me. I unassumingly made my girls question all the foods they ate; they used to call me from sleepovers and ask my permission to eat certain snacks or desserts, and looking back, that just breaks my heart. My intentions were always to be as healthy as I could be (and man, once you go down the rabbit hole of label-reading and paleo research, you feel terrible for "poisoning" your body with processed foods) - but where these diet culture fads left me was with a body I hated and disordered eating. 

Change had to happen. So, I made the decision to love all foods again.

Yes, I still enjoy eating healthy because I know I'll feel better. But now, healthy to me is focus on mostly organic foods and nothing about calories, fats, carbs, or timing. But with that comes flexibility. I will no longer turn down food at someone's house or a restaurant simply because it's not organic. If I want a bowl of ice cream after dinner, I have it. If I want leftover pizza for breakfast, I go for it. I'm not saying this was an easy change, but there is no freedom like craving a food and allowing yourself to have it, or ordering what looks best on the menu and not what's lowest in calories or healthiest. Whether I'm hungry at 6am or 10am, I eat. I listen to my body's hunger cues and pay attention to what I'm in the mood for. I make sure I eat enough food to keep me satisfied for hours - but if I find myself hungry before the next meal, I eat. 

I didn't gain a gaggle of weight. In fact, I lost weight (not my intention). But I truly believe that once I healed my relationship with food, the amount of stress that left my body gave my metabolism a healthy boost. I love tasting desserts my girls order where I'd previously refuse. I love going to bed with zero guilt. I love waking up without a thought of my food intake from the night before. I love opening the fridge and asking myself exactly what I'm in the mood for. I love feeling relaxed at social gatherings and big events. I love exercising based on how I feel and not being fueled by food-guilt. I can't believe how much more space there is in this brain of mine when the clutter of food obsession moved out. 

Food freedom is possible. Let go of the fears, whatever they may be, and lean into the possibilities. 

It's worth it. 

Disordered Eating - Signs You Are Healing

 My disordered eating has been a decade long journey. From being overly restrictive to binges, excessive exercise to calorie counting, it has been a long road to healing. I took a leap of faith when we moved south and said "fuck it" to the hold food and exercise had on me. Now, nearly three years later, I am noticing so many ways I have healed, and figured it was worth a share so that anyone out there who is still struggling can know there is an end to the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. 

Here are some things I have noticed:

I no longer start my day thinking about the things I ate the day before. 

I no longer end my days with guilt, or plans of a healthier tomorrow. 

The clock doesn't determine when I am "allowed" to eat - hunger cues do.

Rest days don't revolve around the previous days food choices.

Work out success isn't measured by calories burned.

I order whatever the hell sounds good on the menu when eating out, whether the calories are listed or not.

I don't bring my own foods to cookouts, and enjoy whatever is served. 

I exercise to appreciate my body, instead of punish it. 

I pause to think about the foods I am in the mood for, rather than eating what I "should". 

I can recognize water weight after an indulgent night and know it's proof of enjoyment.

I respect my body's cravings even if they are considered less healthy. 

I've also noticed:

More self love. Less anxiety. The fact that my body actually does better with less strenuous work outs and more foods. That the scale doesn't mean shit. That your body image is less important than eating the cake at the party. That you're a dick if you bring your own meal to a wedding. That at the end of the day, enjoying foods and movements you love balanced with the healthy shit is all that matters. 

Food and exercise shouldn't consume your thoughts. 

Having quiet coffee in the morning with a book - without the chatter of "I ate too much. That was bad. I am bad. I'm going to run 10 miles" - is the most freedom I have felt within myself. My day flows with nothing but good energy; good sounding foods, good sounding movement. Being obsessively healthy is still being obsessive. This life is for enjoying, living. I hope anyone who feels prisoner to food and exercise can break free; it's pretty freaking amazing.

Consistency

"Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with"

Several people suggested I blog about my fitness routine and meal plans, and here's the thing: it won't help you. We are not the same. We don't have the same body types, digestive needs, sleep habits, work schedule, motivation - you name it. That quote up there, though? That quote is everything you need to know about how you can make fitness and healthy food work in your life. I will, however, give you examples of how I found what works for me, and maybe realizing there's more than one way to do something or be healthy may help. 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I love to work out and eat healthy, but I also love chocolate, red wine, burgers and pizza. Consistency and flexibility go hand in hand for me. When I am rigid about exercise and food, I feel anxious, I am aware of calories, I label foods and good or bad (which translates to me being good or bad); I work out to burn calories versus to feel good, and everything feels like a vicious cycle. The more flexible I became with food and exercise, the more I was able to be consistent with it simply because I felt good. 

Think about the time you have in a day. Some of you have full time jobs, are single parents, take care of sick relatives, and are drained by the time you hit the sheets. Working out 5 days a week for hours at a time may not be your cup of tea. What you do to move and nourish your body has to fit into your schedule, otherwise it'll just cause you more stress. What's doable? Are you able to get to bed early and get that work out in early before work? Are you a night owl who can tackle a few living room air squats before bed? Do you have a lunch break where you could walk or skip out to the gym? It won't always be convenient, but if you enjoy what you spend that time doing, it can become a solid habit. Which leads me to...

...Do what's best for you. I hated yoga when I had to hold Chair and Warrior positions for extended periods of time. It wasn't until I discovered movement based yoga (think dynamic stretching) that I truly made it a consistent part of my day. I hated weight lifting until I discovered how great my body felt doing lighter, higher rep movements instead of intimidatingly heavy PR stuff. I hated walking because I didn't get "that burn" you do from running, until I decided to drop that thought process and simply enjoy the fresh air and movement. (Not to mention getting absolutely schooled when walking with a neighbor who is speedy and waking up more sore than a work out!) Plain and simple, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, you won't do it. No matter how good it is for you, how much weight you lose or muscle you gain - you have to be excited about it. Period. That includes being flexible with your body daily; I can plan for a leg day, do one back squat and think NOPE - arm day it is. Rigidity sets you up for failure. Flexibility is key. 

Food is tricky. Some people have legitimate allergies or digestive issues, some people like to eat clean while others don't give a shit. Some people do better with more fats and proteins, others do better with higher carbs. According to the Blood Type Diet, my O- self thrives on red meat, carbs, and red wine. (Score!) - And I do notice that when I eat a higher red meat and higher carb diet, I digest better, I feel more energized in my work outs, and I snack less because I am satisfied and full. This doesn't mean I stick to this whatsoever, because I also love my high fat stuff like avocados, nuts, oils, and cheeses. This also doesn't mean I want you to stick to any kind of diet (I truly hate them) - but it's interesting to see what your body type needs and thrives on. My husband's blood type basically told him to be a vegetarian and never drink beer, so, yeah. No. Just eat what feels right for your body at the times you are hungry. There are no rules that you have to go so many hours between meals or snacks, there are no rules that say you need a protein shake after work outs or no carbs after 8pm. The best way to eat is to notice when you are hungry, and feel out what you're craving. Remember, no "good" and "bad" foods - just "less healthy" ones. And, if you find yourself craving one of those, eat it. Our bodies crave things for a reason based on stress levels, exercise levels, hormone levels. All we have to do is listen. 

Meal prep. I know a lot of people who do this, and I think it's great. It's easy to eat well when you have prepared foods that are quick to heat up or take on the go. Personally I don't do it, but again, my schedule allows me to have the time to shop and cook as I need. I focus on getting in protein at (almost) every meal, at least a veggie a day, and lots of water. From there, it's a free-for-all. Snacks are whatever I'm in the mood for or have in the pantry, dessert is if I'm in the mood for it, alcohol accompanies a good meal or company, carbs are awesome. Create meals that will fuel you, satisfy you, and that simply work for you.

So again, I will share that quote: "Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with". If it doesn't fit into your schedule, if you are forcing it, if you down right hate it, find another way. It's whatever you CAN DO - and the ability to do it creates CONSISTENCY and boom: you've created your wellness routine. 

Growth and Shit

 

Today, I bailed on my planned afternoon leg-day lifting-session, and took the little human and pups to get ice cream instead. No big deal, right? Two years ago, I couldn't have said yes. I would have felt guilty for taking two rest days in a row, would have planned a bird-food dinner and strenuous morning work out. I wouldn't have enjoyed this ice cream time with my daughter and fur babies because my anxiety would have taken over, making me on edge, snappy, and short. 

When we got into the car, I realized that I wasn't second guessing this decision, and felt guilt free about it, so I snapped this photo as a little high-five to myself for becoming healthier and happier. Funny how different that can look for people; I hear more about people wanting to work out more and eat "junk" food less, so someone like me who used to over exercise and calculate every calorie that touched my lips went unnoticed as problematic to most everyone but me. I was told how diligent I was, how motivating, disciplined, and worst of all - skinny. 

**Unfortunately most Americans are looking to lose weight, and because of this they think calling someone thin, skinny, or lean is a compliment. Let me tell you, it's not. Especially when you've been working hard for years to put even the tiniest bit of muscle on, or have lost weight due to stress, or struggled with disordered eating. You don't know what unhealthy things you may be commenting on.**

So today was a win for me. A small moment where I got to see how okay I am after so many years of feeling anything but. Choosing to get ice cream felt like I was choosing my daughter, my dogs, and myself. I know that it felt way better than any hour garage lifting sesh I would have grinded through. I also know I've had many of these moments on my health journey over the last 2+ years, but being able to stop and see them just makes it all that much more worth it. And, if I wake up bloated from foods I don't normally eat, I'll rub my happy little belly and maybe take another rest day. 

Daily Wellness Tips

 Being "well" doesn't always mean salads and treadmills. Doing one small thing for your wellness each day can provide those feel good vibes, and cause a ripple effect for more.

1) Do something good for your body every day. Sure, this could mean a good work out or a healthy meal, but it could also mean a rest day with a good bubble bath, having your morning coffee in the sunshine, taking the time to stretch, using a sugar scrub in the shower, or carving out time for a few chapters of that book. 

2) Wear clothes that actually fit you. Even if your goal is to lose weight, stop squeezing into the clothes you want to fit into, or the number-size you think you should be. Buy the bigger number, and focus on how that number doesn't dig into your sides or belly and actually makes you feel comfortable. Your body will look better without being suffocated, and you'll feel better too.

3) Tune in. Really, really tune in; for everything from what foods you're in the mood for and what kind of movement your body needs, to whether or not you need time alone, time with your significant other, time with kids or friends or pets, time outdoors or time in a dark room with a good TV show. The more you listen, the more balanced your energy and mood will be. 

4) Stop comparing yourself to others. You can do the same work outs and eat the same foods as someone else, and you will STILL not look like them. We all have different builds, bone structures, metabolisms, genetics, and needs; the more you focus (and accept) yourself, the better you will feel for YOU, not for someone else. 

One good thing for your body and mind each day will add up, and get you on the path to really getting to know yourself and create your own goodness. Our wellness determines our mood, our energy, our flexibility and our capabilities. Be sure to put these things in your own hands, based on the needs of YOU. When you feel good, it doesn't feel like work, but a pleasure. 

Overcoming Disordered Eating

 My relationship with food has been a long road. 

Growing up, my beautiful, athletic, marathon running mother had struggled with views of her own body. She was always very strict with foods she "could" or "couldn't" eat, and I have fond memories of her lopping an entire scoop of ice cream off of the cone so she could just have a bite, or spit food into a napkin if it wasn't, in her opinion, worth the calories. I wish she could have seen how healthy she looked, and how unhealthy her relationship with food and her body image were. 

I didn't think witnessing these things had much of an impact on my own views until I became a young adult. I remember for one Easter, I asked the Easter Bunny (Hi Dadster) to only fill my basket with healthy foods from Trader Joe's. I also remember sitting in my childhood bedroom as an early teen that year and literally counting out each organic cheese puff according to the serving size. 

I convinced myself I had food sensitivities and cut out nearly everything at one point or another. I starved myself. I over ate. Either end of the spectrum was unhealthy. I'd wake up each morning calculating everything I ate the night before, and planned out meals for the rest of the week accordingly. I missed out on family pizza nights ("I can't eat that") and ice cream outtings ("Dairy!? No way.") I truly realized I was taking on my mother's habits when I refused bites of food from my two daughters; the last thing I want them to struggle with is food or body image. So, when we moved to North Carolina in 2019, my one goal was simple: FUCK THAT.

I was fortunate to move away because it allowed me to have a jump start. I was able to remove myself from old habits and fears and dive right into the life I wanted. I allowed fears of weight gain to go away by eating all the pizza and ice cream. I became okay - genuinely okay - with having some healthy weight on me for the first time in my life. I came to the realization that how my body looks will never be worth sacrificing memories with my husband, kids, friends and family. 

It took over a year of un-doing my disordered eating habits, but I got there. The "extra" weight I gained natrually came off as my hormones and appetite leveled out. I no longer think of food as something to burn off or earn. I no longer look at working out as a means to burn calories. I feel the best I ever have eating and drinking whatever the hell I want, and working out as my body guides me - and it's all because I stopped thinking and started enjoying. 

People have made comments about my body since I can remember, and let me tell you, it doesn't help one bit. Assuming I am healthy because I am thin, or because I mostly eat well, or because I exercise - trust me, it does not define health. When you are so consumed with body image that your mind only has room for thoughts of food and exercise and guilt, it doesn't matter how you look but how you feel. And man, did I feel like shit. I didn't have much mental space left for much else, including my own family. I was irritable all the time. I was anxious all the time. I felt like I failed all the time. I compared myself to others ALL. THE. TIME. Letting it all go and seeing what happened was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. 

Some things that changed:

1) I started exercising for ME. Not based on this friend or that influencer. I let go of the urge to keep up with my friend's mileage or feelings of inferiority to strong Crossfit women. I watched my work outs change from something I had to do (to burn off/earn food) to something I was excited to do. They went from guilt-ridden and stressful to empowering and energizing. I work out more days for less time, and my body had never looked or felt better. What a feeling to know that I didn't need to run 20 miles or be a body builder to love my body.

2) I started eating intuitively. I genuinely love eating healthy foods; they just make me feel good. But I was able to remove the guilt of wanting something that I would previously dub as "bad" or "unhealthy" - especially when really craving it. I've learned that if you are really in the mood for something, telling yourself you "can't" eat it only creates stress, and, typically leads to over eating because that salad you just devoured wasn't the greasy ass burger you truly wanted (and likely needed) - and so you snack and snack to try and fill the void. Intuitive eating teaches you that food is fuel, and that a slice of pizza or bowl of ice cream will not ruin you. It also allows you to truly check in with yourself; am I hungry for a small snack or bigger meal? Am I craving carbs? Fats? Protein? Sweets? Whatever it is, dive in. You'll be fine, promise. 

3) I let go of rules. I can't believe some of the things I used to tell myself, like having to wait 4 hours between meals or snacks to eat again, having to work out fasted, having to start or stop eating at a certain time of day, and categorizing foods as good or bad. The anxiety these rules caused was not healthy. I was teaching myself NOT to eat when I was hungry, forcing myself to eat when I wasn't, always feeling guilty when I "broke" a rule...who wants to live like that? I was over it. Now, if I'm hungry an hour after breakfast, I simply ask myself what I'm in the mood for, eat it, and carry on. That one took some time to overcome, but seeing over time that eating what I wanted  when I wanted it would not cause crazy weight gain or guilt really allowed me to let go and roll with it. In fact, eating this way actually has me eating LESS because I am more satisfied. 

4) Learning that the scale is a big fat liar. Or, better put: our bodies naturally fluctuate in weight, and that's O-FREAKING-K. If I hop on the scale after an indulgent night out and am full of salty foods, I can magically weigh 5 pounds more overnight. I used to look at this number, get mad at myself, plan a new restrictive diet, and create pure misery for myself and those around me. News flash: it's water retention people, not weight gain. Accepting this, and also staying the hell away from a scale after beers and french fries, takes away any hold that food and body image has had on me. Instead of guilt, I can now look at a food-baby-belly and know I enjoyed myself and my indulgences. I can focus on the good conversations that came along with those friends and fries, and feel well-fueled for a work out, instead of hating my body or feeling the need to "work it off". 

Don't assume that because someone is lean that they are healthy. Food and body image had such a hold on me for decades, despite inheriting my dad's lanky runner's body. Having a healthy relationship with food means having a healthy relationship with yourself. If you spend all of your time thinking about food, feeling guilty about food, depriving yourself of food... you leave such little headspace for anything else. You deserve to put your energy into things other than your previous or next meal. You deserve to enjoy your foods and the conversations and company that come with it. You deserve to love yourself for the you that you are, the body you were given, and the ability to take control of your life.

I am so fortunate to be in this headspace today. Food doesn't define me anymore. 

Goals

 With the New Year approaching (thank you LAWWWD 2020 is ending) - let's talk goals.

As you enter 2021 with high hopes, your success will be based on the goals you set and your ability to accomplish them. But here's the thing: goals CHANGE. It's likely most of the initial goals set for New Year's Resolutions will revolve around better eating, more exercise and less drinking; this is because it's a goal for right now - a time after indulgences, celebrations, and the flexibility of yoga pants. It's normal to want to "get back on track" when you may not be feeling your best, but you are also not going to feel your worst for the rest of the year. This is why telling yourself that it's a realistic goal to eat all the kale (gross) and run all the miles for the entire year is setting yourself up for failure. This is where flexibility within your goal is needed.

Now, that's not to say that once you set a goal, you get to break it often and say FUCK YEAH I'M BEING FLEXIBLE WHERE'S THE CHEESECAKE BABY!? But more so to recognize when a goal has run it's course and is time to rework it. If you're feeling a little fluffy after the holiday season and you'd like to move your body in a way that feels good and eat in a way that's nourishing - do it. But, whenever you feel like that goal has been met, tweak it. Maybe after a week of salads, yoga and water you're feeling renewed, and recognize that it's time to move on. Use your motivation from the holiday goodies as a jump start, rather than something long term. 

Change your food and fitness goals as you see fit. Restricting may work for a short time to get you back on track, but it's not realistic (or healthy) to keep up. Over exercising may feel like it gets you back in the routine of things, but will ultimately lead to injury and is freaking time consuming. The more you are flexible with your goals, the more control you will have over your success; and let's be real - it's the control we're after in the first place. We want to feel in control of our choices, and flexibility allows for just that. 

Flexibility within your goals allows one to naturally lead to the next. After that week of salads you may feel better but you're absolutely starving, so you want to keep up the good foods but eat more. Maybe your goal changes from wanting to feel better to wanting to eat better. And, once you intuitively eat better based on what feels good for you, indulging here and there can be guilt free. You may set a body-goal to be more flexible. That flexibility may lead to a more comfortable stride when walking or running, or increased range of motion when lifting, and naturally motivate you towards your next goal. 

You may set a goal for yourself early on that really just isn't working for you, and it's okay to change it in a way that makes it doable. Goals that change will keep you going throughout the year, instead of those first few months. It'll keep you motivated, keep things fresh, and puts you in control of what is best for you, your body, and your health. Changing a goal is not failure, it's flexibility. As long as you are working towards your ultimate goal, make the changes needed along the way in order to succeed. Make 2021 the year that you don't let yourself down. The year that you don't compare to others. The year you do what's best for you based on where you're at, not where you want to be. Define what healthy looks like for yourself, whether it's incorporating more protein or spending more time with friends - you have the ability if you set (and re-set) the goal. 

Intuitive Eating & Movement

 Food and exercise. For so many people, one is treated as indulgence and the other as punishment. Want that piece of cake? Better run super long tomorrow. Ordered the chicken alfredo instead of that boring ass salad? Better plan for extra gym time in the morning. Have guilt after over-doing it with x, y or z? Better cut those foods out entirely as to not be tempted - oh, and sign up for a marathon while you're at it. 

It's bullshit, but unfortunately, it's an unhealthy mindset and relationship that so many of us have endured. We make promises to get in shape for the summer or after the holidays. We make excuses as to why we're not where we want to be. We indulge and then we punish. We move our bodies too often and to the extreme. We don't eat all day to justify cheese and crackers at night. We restrict all week so as to "fully enjoy" our weekends. We believe diets work long term (they don't). We believe our bodies can keep up with the extremes of our work outs (it can't). 

The only (and simple) way to break this viscous mindset and poor relationship with food and our bodies is to listen. There have been times that I've really wanted something "less healthy", and in an attempt to "be good", I'd try and fill the craving with "better" things like nuts, fruit, veggies...you get the idea. The thing is: IT NEVER WORKS. I'd end up gorging on all these healthy things 1) because there's less guilt tied to them and 2) because I felt I shouldn't have whatever it was I was craving. What ends up happening is that after being filled to the brim with bird food, the craving hasn't gone anywhere and I end up reaching for the cookie or piece of candy or bowl of ice cream anyway. Now, instead of just eating intuitively and having a portion of the craved food, I found myself in a binge, feeling poorly, telling myself I failed, when this all could have been avoided by allowing myself to eat it in the first place. No "shoulds" or "shouldnts" - just awareness. The more I allowed myself to eat what I craved, the less likely I was to over do it with them. 

If you put food into a "no" category, you are already setting yourself up for failure. You tell yourself you can't or shouldn't eat it, so if you find yourself nibbling at it anyway, you think "well, shit, I already failed, might as well eat the whole damn thing and start over tomorrow". BUT HEY. If you don't group foods as good or bad, and allow yourself to simply have them, you can't fail, and you'll never have to "start over" - you'll just be good. You will have killed the justification of foods. Killed them dead.

The same goes for moving your body. A long run and heavy lifts aren't always what's best for you, and the more you eat intuitively, the less likely you are to plan such strenuous work outs. If you wake up without guilt from the previous day's food choices, and you planned to run but JUST AREN'T FEELIN' IT, then you can walk, do yoga, or take a rest day and not mentally beat yourself up for it. No thinking back to the foods you felt you needed to "work off" or ahead to the ones you think you need to "earn" - just intuitive exercise or simple movements that feel good for your body that day. 

One thing you can do to help get acclimated to this loosened grip on food and exercise is to stop planning. Stop planning your meals. Stop planning your work outs. This freedom allows you to tune in and ask yourself what your body needs. If you were to write out every meal, and then that mealtime comes and it doesn't sound good, you're back in a tricky situation of either forcing yourself to eat something you'd rather not, or changing up your meal plan and feeling like you failed by not sticking to it. Same with work outs; you can have a general idea of what you'd like to accomplish (ie. run, walk, lift, gym-cardio) - but let your body decide in the moment what it wants to do. You may start running and quit a mile in to lift instead. You may start arm day at the gym and realize your legs have all the squat feels. Be flexible with your plans and let your body make the decisions for you. 

We can also all benefit from breaking the "rules". Have salad for breakfast and cereal for dinner. Have wine on Wednesday and tea on Saturday. Deep clean your house for movement instead of heading to the gym. Snack for dinner instead of making a big meal. This will all take some getting used to, especially to those of us who have been on restrictive diets, calorie counting, type-A planners, and control freaks. Let it all go, people. 

I see you joining Weight Watchers for the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 10th time...say it with me now: diets are not sustainable. Tracking every morsel that graces your lips is problematic. Feeling guilty for eating something that freaking tastes good is torture. Killing your body to work off or earn food is a cycle you need to break. Food and movement are LIFE. They are fuel for the mind and body. Stop planning and start enjoying. Enjoy your body's ability to exercise. Enjoy the taste of sweet treats and savory dishes. Enjoy being in tune with your body, and the ability to eat and move accordingly. 

Once you let the guilt go, break the rules, knock off the strict plans, and do things intuitively, food and exercise won't have a hold on you. You can eat the fried foods and sweets when you feel like it, and believe it or not, your body will crave the salads or the fruits or the nuts too. Your body will want to move in a certain way each day, and you have the power to listen and act. 

Order the alfredo sauce and follow it up with a rest day.

Eat breakfast, lunch, AND (gasp) the cheese and crackers.

Walk when you planned to run.

Have cake for breakfast. 

Call sexy time in the bedroom the day's movement (you're welcome). 

Whatever intuitive balance you find will work, because it'll change day to day, meal to meal, snack to snack and work out to work out. Wake up every morning not knowing what the hell you're gonna do or eat, and let your body's cravings guide you there. It's powerful stuff, and the way to a naturally healthier life style. Now get to rule breaking. 

New Year's Resolution? Try This

 Tis the season of overindulging, which means it's also the season of guilt, self loathing, and extreme, strict promises come January 1st. Guys, knock this shit off. IT. NEVER. WORKS. 

When we set goals for ourselves based on guilt, they are negatively driven and practically gives us the excuse to binge for the next 2 months. If you work out or eat right based on the previous day/week/month's caloric intake, you're doing it all wrong. Instead of setting unrealistic, unsustainable goals for your new year, try tweaking your resolutions to set yourself up for success. 

Instead of joining a gym and telling yourself you'll be there 3-5 times per week, ask yourself what your goals are. Do you want to become stronger? If so, change your mindset from "being in the gym x amount of times" to "being about to lift x amount of weight". This way, you eliminate room for that guilty conscious to creep in and make you feel bad about only making it there twice this week. If you showed up, put weight on the bar, and worked toward your goal, you are winning. There is no strict time frame, no scale to step on, no extreme pressure to get there so many times...just a simple goal to do more at a pace that works for you. And, the great thing about a goal like this is that once it's met, it'll be self motivational to set the next one. Before you know it, your initial lifting goal will become your warm up - or at least feel much easier. 

Instead of signing up for a yoga class package, set a goal of being more flexible. Perhaps pick a pose you've always wanted to conquer and practice until you get there. Again, no time frame, no "have to's" or "shoulds" - just the ability to move your body and watch your own practice improve with each time on the mat. If you need to attend a class for motivation, go for it. But if life gets in the way and you don't make it one week, and still find yourself on the mat - even for a few moments - you're still kicking your resolution's ass.

Instead of "giving up" a food group, alcohol, sweets, carbs (you name it) - try incorporating more healthy foods beforehand. Typically when people go cold turkey on things they over indulge in, it leads to a binge down the road. You can feel better about having these foods if they follow a few fruits and veggies, healthy snack or well rounded meal; and, if you feel better about your previous choices, you will be less likely to over do it with the other stuff. Eat the bread, drink the wine, have the chocolate, just be mindful when you do. This allows you to be put on a road to a healthier you without any major restrictions. (Not to mention, if you know you're not going cold turkey come January 1st, it may prevent you from having that 3rd piece of pie because, in your mind, it's no longer justified). 

The biggest thing we all can do is (say it with me now) STOP. COMPARING. OURSELVES. TO OTHERS. Guys. We are not our friends, our family, the Instagram Gymsharks, or anyone else we try to be "more like". Being successful in your own life with your own goals is to set them solely for yourself. If you want to lose weight but hate the gym, DON'T JOIN A GYM. Walk, jog, have a dance party with your kids, challenge your spouse to a sit-up challenge...whatever works for you will be where you find your success. If you want to eat better but hate salads, DON'T EAT THE FREAKING SALAD. Mix the healthy foods you do enjoy together and discover your own weird concoction of health foods. Need an exercise class to get moving but Marsha over there is self motivated? Get your ass to class. 

Meditation and self love and all that hippy shit is great, but let's be real, most people's New Year's Resolutions are a little more body-based and a little less "let me align my chakras". Here's how you can help with that through your holiday season and into the new year: you must love your body, but you must also be flexible about what it looks like - a quote from female health expert Stefani Ruper. If drinking the eggnog and having seconds on stuffing is what makes your holiday season nostalgic for you, then go for it. However, your homework comes the next morning when you have the choice to feel bad about your holiday treats, or wake up feeling nourished with comfort foods knowing you fully enjoyed them. It's okay to love your body both when it's bloated from salty, tasty foods and also when you're feeling your best after a week of solid work outs and health foods. Both times, they are still you and yours and one doesn't deserve to be loved less than the other. 

I challenge you to take your 2021 resolutions E A S Y. Set goals, not restrictions. It's okay to simply plan to move a little more and eat a little better, and keep on adding to that as you see fit. Please don't eliminate your favorite food or put yourself through a wild work out after having it. 2020 has been a shit show enough without planning to torture ourselves come January, especially if those torture plans are signing you up for failure. We all need to feel better in these crazy times, so be sure you're doing what is best for you. And hey, if you want to align your chakras while you're on this path, well, then that's just dandy. 

Different Healthy

 Everyone wants to "get" or "be" healthy, but what does that really mean? 

For some, that may look like the typical eat well, move more. For others it may be to cut back on a poor habit like smoking or drinking. It could be putting down the phone and picking up a book, taking the time off of work to book a vacation, or starting a meditation regiment. Whatever your "healthy" looks like, make sure it's your own journey and no one else's. 

I used to think healthy meant a 6-pack. Abdominal muscles, that is. And, I thought all the things that went along with this washboard belly were also healthy; over exercising, cutting entire food groups, remaining calorie deficient, and so on. I would restrict, restrict, restrict, and, eventually, binge. Naturally after these binges I would feel like total shit. I'd be bloated which was reflected on the scale, I'd have pain and discomfort, but the worst of it all was the mental beating I gave myself each time, glued to promises of even further restriction. Years of this cycle caused me to seek out excuses rather than ownership, leading me be totally convinced I had all these food "allergies" or "sensitivities" when really I just needed to eat like a freaking normal person. It was at its worst when my kids started noticing; why wasn't mommy getting ice cream? Why won't mommy try my pizza? Why does mommy bring her own food everywhere? I started to see that sure, my abs were pretty rock solid, but I was losing more than I was gaining with my beach body. 

And so when we moved to North Carolina, I set my own health goals that may look a bit different than others'. I stopped counting calories. I planned pizza nights. I tasted everything my kids asked me to (within reason, they ARE still kids...). I ordered the damn ice cream. I bought clothes that were comfortable rather than a certain size. I exercised based on how my body felt, not how many calories I felt I needed to burn. But most importantly, I enjoyed it all. I let go of the guilt that years of body shaming and food struggles had given me. If we crawled into bed after eating and drinking too much, I focused on the good times and memories made while we were indulging. Who knew that eating pizza, drinking a bottle of wine and indulging in dessert was what I needed to find MY healthy. 

Having said that, I feel my best when this is all in balance. I enjoy eating healthy meals, working out daily, drinking tons of water, and getting sunshine every moment I can. But, it has taken me years and years to realize that I can have both; I can live a healthy life style and not lose it all when I have my weekend fun, or when we're on vacation, or when we simply feel like a good meal with good drinks on a random Tuesday. Saying yes to what feels good and no to what doesn't has been key; some days I feel like salad and other days I need a bacon burger. Some days I'll PR my lifts and other days I just want to stroll the neighborhood with my kids. It's a much, much easier way to live - without all the restrictions and mind games - and that's my healthy. 

Self Care in Quarantine

Every single person I've talked to is experiencing different struggles during this COVID-19 lock down. Some are feeling the parenting pressure of extra time with their kiddos, some don't know what to do with the extra time with their spouses, some can't stay away from the pantry or find motivation to work out, and others cant work out enough. Whatever your struggle may be, make sure you are finding time to take care of yourself, because with all the extra demands put on each of us during this time, you need to make sure you're not pouring from an empty cup. 

When you're feeling most agitated, most depressed, most fidgety, or find yourself in a downright funk, check in. Even though the things you may need and crave the most might not be an option, like a hug from a friend or a nice dinner in a restaurant with your spouse, you can still find ways to take care of yourself in quarantine. And they are not selfish. 

It's okay to lock yourself away for an hour a day (given your children are safe/watched after and nothing on the stove will burn the house down). Take the time. Catch up on your favorite show, finish that chapter, soak in a deliciously hot tub, take a walk, call a friend...whatever self care looks like for you, take the time. Out of all the hours in the day, your family can survive one without you. 

Establish rules and boundaries with your kids, spouse, family members who may call, whoever. In my house, I created the beverage rule: if I am sitting down with a beverage, be it coffee, tea, wine, or iced lemon water in the sunshine, I am NOT getting up to get you anything, help you in that moment, diffusing an argument, or do anything except sit, sip, and enjoy. Now my kids know to ask "hey mom, when you're done your coffee, can you..." They learn patience, and I don't have to move for a good 20 minutes. Win-win. 

Even if you don't choose to lock yourself away or glue yourself to a chair for your "me-time", still make sure you're getting in. It can be a time frame, like "hey, I'm going to do x,y, and z until noon, and then why don't we play a board game/go for a walk/watch a show?" This way, if you're someone (like me) who can't relax until the dishes are done, laundry is folded, work out is complete, and shower is taken, you have the morning to create your own zen - with a time limit - and have established plans for your family to look forward to after. My kids use this time to get their own chores (and now online homework) done, and are forced to play together or have time to themselves before diving into family activities. 

Self care can be the most simple things, like taking the time to apply lotion after a shower, changing out of day 4 yoga pants, making a healthy meal, listening to your favorite playlist, or snuggling a pet. Just pay attention to what you are feeling; do you need to cuddle up with your kids or do you need 5 minutes alone? Are you craving something nutrient dense or something indulgent? Do you need to lock yourself in your bedroom with your significant other or kindly send them away while you open a book? If you always do what you feel is "right" over what you need, you fail yourself and will end up snappy, cranky, and not super fun. 

Need other self care ideas? At home work out routines? Ideas to keep your kids busy? Reach out. We're all in this together and all struggling - and managing - in our own way. 

Food; Change It Up

It always comes down to the freaking journey; no destination, no end point, just the very cliche moment itself. And yes, I'm about to turn this into a food story.

When it comes to food, it's safe to say that most of us are looking for that "a-ha!" moment where we realize adding or eliminating something has done it - "it", of course, taking on many roles, like bloating, abdominal pain, energy levels, extra pounds, muscle fueling, or having smooth moves on the porcelain throne. Whatever your "it" may be, I'm sure you'd like to find a way to manage it, and hope that maybe, just maybe, cutting out dairy and adding probiotics will be the magic potion you need. The thing is, or at least that I've learned, is that everything works - but temporarily.

Anytime I eliminate a food group or, say, add more greens or water (hello cliche of health) to my foodie-routine, I feel better. I think, YES! I have found the answer; all is well in the world and in my gut. And then, two weeks later, any "it" I had comes waltzing back on in and debunking my "a-ha" moment. Damn you, two week timeline.

Along with eliminating, I found that a new level of comfort could be excused. No dairy? Well, let me fill that void with all of the almonds because, hey, they're not dairy and I'm sticking to my diet. No alcohol? Well come on over here, you luscious chocolate bar, because you're my buzz-less replacement now.

Intermittent fasting did the trick for over two years; I ate any foods I wanted within an 8 hour window of the day, allowing my gut and digestive system a break from, well, digesting, for 16 hours each night. But, when I combined the comfort of a two-year routine along with habit formation, I found myself doing most of my eating at nighttime, in bulk, with the justification that I wouldn't be eating for hours, and often went to bed way too full. Plus, by the time noon rolled around the next day, I'd be so starving from that morning's work out plus not eating since 8pm the previous night, that my meals were often much larger than my digestion could (should?) handle.

So, what the hell? Eliminate foods here and there, feel good for a short time, but live with restrictions and be that guy who "can't eat that"? No thanks. Add foods that you loathe just to be able to say you're eating better? Nah. Keep all your eating crammed into a small window to justify large portions and anything a little "extra"? I think I'm good. So again, what-the-hell!?

Change. If it's one thing that has been a constant in this Food Journey, it's simply change. Keep changing it up! Remove this or that here or there, not to be an asshole to yourself, but to open your eyes to other meal and snack options, and to simply see how you feel. And, once you get bored with that, move on! You may discover something that truly makes you feel better, or you may be totally relieved that it didn't help at all (like that time I tried giving up coffee - no bueno). Maybe some days you will naturally intermittently fast, because you wait to eat until you are truly hungry. Your body and metabolism are constantly changing, and with those changes come different bodily needs based on work out routines, age, illness, injury, you name it. Pay attention to these changes and the needs that come along with them.

Throw the norm out the window. If you feel like steak for breakfast and a smoothie for dinner, go for it. Throw comparison out the window. If your friends don't eat carbs or avoid fat like the plague, feel free to smother your hunk of bread in creamy avocado. Rid of the rules, restrictions, can'ts, and guilt that you attach to your relationship with food. Change keeps it interesting. It keeps your body guessing, it removes boredom, it allows for flexibility, and forces you to step outside your comfort zone (hello personal growth) to try new things. You'll learn more about not only your gut, but about your own control and power - you can take it all back with the willingness to try and accept change.

You'll like never *not* have carbs, dairy, fats, desserts, or booze ever again. There is no final destination when it comes to our diets, it's all about the change up. And so I circle back to the journey - even when it comes to food and health, you can enjoy the ride.

Healthiest at my Heaviest

This is a post to say that no matter what size we are, we can all struggle with body image.

It's easy to assume that because I'm naturally thin, I'm healthy and happy with my appearance, but in reality, I have struggled to accept my body for all of my teenage and adult life. As a young teen, I avoided shorts like the plague because I thought my knobby knees and pale, gangly legs were better off hidden. As a tween, I couldn't care less about my thin, flat stomach because I was too hung up on my itty-bitty-titty-committee status. When my boobs finally arrived, it was only because they filled with milk to nurse my newborn, and I would have traded them in for my previously flat stomach any day.

In the years to follow, I was extremely strict with my food and a total over-exerciser. I created countless uncomfortable situations when I'd unpack my own dinner during holidays, eat separately from my family, and refuse to indulge in treats people would make for me. I embellished minor gut-related diagnosis in order to create this false world where I "couldn't" eat something. Even at my most strict and most thin, I always had a little lower belly; in part due to scar tissue from a surgery, but mostly because of some legitimate digestive struggles that leave me constantly inflamed. The reality of this belly was that it occurred whether I was drinking wine and eating ice cream or chugging water and downing salads. But my clothes kept fitting and my body, for the most part, remained the same, so I kept on with my over-doing it lifestyle.

And then I turned 30.

I don't know what F-you switch my body turned on with this new decade, but suddenly, my body hated me back. The hips that were supposed to arrive during puberty or pregnancy decided they'd hold off until now. If I chose to eat something glutinously-gluten filled, I remained bloated for days. I started sweating. And smelling. My husband has had a lovely time pointing out nose hairs that decided to live a wild life outside my nostril. I can't have more than 2 drinks without paying for it as if I spent the night ripping shots of tequila. I cry all the time. Those laugh lines around my eyes along with the WTF lines between my eyebrows are not going anywhere. And my lower abdomen decided it was going to stay in a constant state of pooch.

Knowing there had definitely been some out-of-the-ordinary indulging going on between a summer filled with family gatherings and the stress of selling our home, I decided to do what I do best and scale the food and drink back once again. I thought "maybe 30 means I can't just run off an indulgent night anymore and need to start being even more careful" - because as healthy as I may eat, I can eat. And so, away went most carbs, the wine was scaled back, the exercise was consistent, and yet...nothing. That number on the scale - the highest it's been since pregnancy - wasn't budging.

Initially, I wanted my control back. I wanted to hold myself accountable for a few extra pounds after a weekend away or a food-filled holiday, and know I could re-set after a long run and restrictive day. I felt down about the fact that, no matter how much I ran, lifted, and gave bread the evil eye, my hips couldn't squeeze into those jeans anymore. And you know what? This was the exact lack of control I needed.

Getting older and watching my body go through changes I couldn't control allowed me to develop what I like to call the fuck-it-but-moderately lifestyle. My spin on YOLO, if you will. If I was going to look the same whether I chose salmon for dinner or pizza, I was going to start allowing myself to eat the damn pizza occasionally. Another huge factor right now is that I am healthier this way. The number on the scale or size of all the new jeans I just had to buy do not define my health. Recent PR's in the gym, injury free running, and, most importantly, a guilt-free relationship with food is. The fact that I just came home from a weekend in New Hampshire where I did nothing but hike, eat pizza and drink beer, left me filled with the memories I will forever have with my dad, not how many miles it'll take to run it off. And guess what? Scale number and belly-pooch ratio remained the same even after that weekend.

I am by no means overweight. I can still see abs. I know I am thin. I live a healthier life style than most. And here I am, one of many women who is trying to love her body for it's health and not it's appearance. Defining myself by how love-handly or belly-poochy I feel that day does zero for my mental health. This is the heaviest I have ever been, and yet it is the healthiest I have ever been. I have the choice to throw out the clingy-make-me-feel-shitty tops, and switch my focus to how strong I feel when I lift, or how long I am able to run, or how much I enjoy sharing family meals and the extra glass of wine. If this is 30, I accept you, and I thank you.

Wellness Tips

Wellness is about constant growth; a never ending opportunity to better yourself in order to be the healthiest, happiest person you can be. We set goals, we work towards them, we crush them, and then we set new ones. Repeat. This is the simplicity of wellness. Easier said than done, though, yes? As ambitious as your ultimate wellness goal may be, the journey is your true challenge. However, in order to enjoy the ride, you need to start small with realistic changes that put you on track to your finish line.

But wait a minute, I thought wellness had no finish line? That we are forever changing and growing and bettering ourselves? This is true. But it is also true that people like finish lines. We enjoy taking on a challenge with an end-point; we enjoy the countdown, the feeling of being one step closer, the celebrating. It also makes it easier to reach a wellness goal when you know it will come to an end, rather than having this overwhelming feeling of a never ending daily wellness grind.

So, how can you be in a constant state of moving forward with your health and still reach a finish line? With one word: change. You have the ability to set mini-goals within your ultimate goal, which leaves you with countless finish lines to cross and successes to celebrate. These mini-goals will be forever changing on a timeline you create. You've got the power (cue music) to wish for change and make it possible to create. Using smaller goals as stepping stones is a simple way to work toward true change at a sustainable pace. So slow your roll, kill the motor, simmer down. Wellness doesn't happen overnight. Big goals shouldn't be reached so quickly. The more you break down your health goals, the more time you will have to make adjustments that better suit your path.
*Working on anger? Write down each time you have an outburst. Holding yourself accountable is an easy way to work on and cut back on something you wish to change.
*Working on eating better? Take one month at a time to introduce a new food challenge, whether it's eliminating a food group, or limiting yourself to an eating window during the day; taking it one month at a time gives you 12 finish lines a year.
*Working on ways to incorporate exercise? Perform air squats while you wait for your morning coffee, a plank after you take the dogs out, push ups while your kids have screen time...there are countless habits we already posses that small increments of exercise can be added to.

You want to know what won't help you along in your wellness journey?
-Comparing yourself to others
-Beating yourself up over one "bad" day
-Being so strict with a goal that you feel deprived
-Sticking to a plan that's not working for you
-Creating a plan based on negative self image
-Creating a plan based on someone else's plan
-Taking on too much too soon
-Having unrealistic expectations
-Not taking ownership of your weaknesses

What will help you succeed, however:
-Eliminating the sentence "I don't have time" from your life. You have time for what you make time for, the clock is not your boss.
-A positive mindset
-Finding motivation in change
-Social media posting; share your latest challenge, answer questions, have others join you - it holds you accountable and keeps you motivated knowing others are aware.
-Creating a wellness plan that fits into your schedule and meets your current capabilities
-Recreating that plan when your capabilities increase as you become stronger, mentally and physically
-Incorporating the family! Have your kids exercise with you, have your spouse cut back on drinking with you, have your friends join you in a new fitness class. The bigger your support system, the bigger your success.
-Knowing that wellness is life long
-Knowing that you can always change something that doesn't work for you
-Making yourself a priority

People often tell me they don't know how or where to start. These simple tips are easy to add to what you're already doing. How many times are we on our phones while waiting for something? The coffee, the school bus, the water to boil...whatever it is, identify those spaces throughout the day and put them to good use. Eliminate thoughts and plans that will set you up for failure, and focus on how you can succeed. Create your own plan, not someone else's. Be NICE to yourself on the tough days. Be honest about your downfalls and weaknesses. Cross those finish lines and keep 'em coming. We only get one shot at this life thing, so create the best one you can. The power is all yours if you focus it in all the right places.

New Year, Manageable Goals

"If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough" - well, that's the saying, but it's not one I agree with, especially when it comes to the New Year and overzealous goal setting. Most of us jump on the eat-better, work-out-more band wagon, only to jump into too much too fast. Changing both your eating and exercise habits at once is a lot to ask of yourself. And, because the changes you are looking to make should last a lifetime, it's easy to see why people get overwhelmed.

Sure, you start of feeling great. You're detoxing from the holiday indulgences, eating your kale and quinoa salads and sweating through your new exercise routine. But eventually (typically around March) when the newness wears off and your motivation is lacking, you slowly slip back into old habits and before you know it, you're right back where you started, vowing to make new and improved promises for the following year to come.

When you jump into a promise of a better self via food choices and work out regiments, the most overwhelming component is the fact that there is no finish line; no end point, no date to work towards, no gold stars or blue ribbons. The fact that these choices should reflect an entirely new lifestyle instead of a temporary goal can make the thought of keeping it up forever unfathomable. And for that, I challenge you to take it slow, by dedicating one month for one new goal throughout the year.

By goal-setting every month, you create your own finish line. You have 4 weeks to incorporate (or eliminate) something in your life that you wish to make a habit; a routine part of your life for a better you. And, because it takes 21 days to create a new habit, this one month challenge is perfect for trying things out. At the end of each month, you get to congratulate yourself on an accomplishment that was simply set to challenge and empower you. You might surprise yourself how easy it was to get to the gym 3x a week, or to give up dairy products for the month. And, as you move into another month and another goal, you can decide what to do with last month's accomplishment; was it something you enjoyed and plan to keep up? Or will that time and energy be replaced with the upcoming month's challenge?

Have fun with it! You can make it whatever you'd like. Maybe you decide to try a new fitness class once a week for a month. Maybe you set aside a daily time to simply stretch and breathe. Maybe you give up sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or a food group entirely. Maybe your goals are to play more board games with your kids, and you set aside a weekly game night for a month. Maybe you need to incorporate more self care and you treat yourself to a weekly massage (hayo!). Maybe it's walking the dogs, or de-cluttering drawers, or doing more abdominal exercises...whatever it is, you get to set the goal and you WILL have a countdown to finish. Maybe once that month is up, you realized how easy it was to incorporate something new into your daily or weekly routine and you keep it up, or maybe you absolutely hated those fitness classes or lack of caffeine and you simply move onto the next challenge. Either way, you'll have something new to do each month, and by following through, you will create the time and space for this new habit (or discover new foods by eliminating others!) and be continually motivated by the constant change. You'll discover new things about your own discipline, time management, and capabilities, and give yourself all the power as you move through 2019 creating a continually new you.

Share your challenges, I'd love to hear them!
I started mine in November, and so far have done:
- No-nuts-November
- No-dairy-December
- Dry January (no alcohol)
And next month I plan to to Flexible February where I focus on taking care of my body through daily yoga and stretching. The finish line is always great to reach, but having a new goal to pick right up and keep on moving towards that next one is what will create success.

Holidays: Cookies and Pies and Champagne, Oh My!

The Holidays. They are supposed to be a fun, enjoyable experience that we look forward to. But, more often than not, they turn into a stressful, over indulgent, feel bad about ourselves time of year. Here's the thing: there is a way to get through those endless holiday cheese platters, trays of cookies and shots of Bailey's without the guilt; you have to identify yourself as either an Abstainer, or a Moderator. 

Inspired by author Gretchen Rubin and her insanely helpful book Better Than Before, if you are able to categorize yourself as one of these two things, your holidays (and other things in your life) will become a guilt-free experience. All you have to do is ask yourself, and answer honestly, are you able to indulge moderately? Are you able to have one piece of bread from the basket? If you crave dessert, are you able to have a few bites or small serving and feel satisfied? Are you able to enjoy alcoholic drinks and still control your eating habits when the buzz kicks in? There are few who can, but for those of you who are out there, congratulations, you're a Moderator! You can breeze through the holidays knowing that you can look forward to tasting delicious and indulgent treats and having the power to stop once your taste buds are exploding with flavorful satisfaction. It's that ability to stop that sets you aside from us Abstainers. Which is without a doubt what I am. 

Abstainers simply have to say no to the things they know they will overdo it with. And, before you think "well that doesn't sound like any fun and I will be totally deprived", hear me out. I'm an eater. I love my foods, and I love indulging. However, there have been too many times where having "just a few" tortilla chips turned into half the bowl. Or "one bite" of apple pie turned into seconds (or thirds). And don't get me started on my beloved almonds and cashews. Sure, these things are tasty, and I enjoy them, but I am not a Modifier. I am not someone who can have a few or a bite and stop. Those tastes send me spiraling into a craving for more, and before I know it I'm so full and guilt ridden, and that feeling is never worth the taste. So, after countless gatherings of over eating, followed by a promise to skip meals the following day and go run some crazy distance, I've learned to identify myself as an Abstainer, and just simply don't try to force myself into the Modifier mold. I can't just have some, and so I have none. 

Saying no will not leave you feeling deprived, because you have the option to feel empowered instead. By abstaining from things you know will get out of hand, you are saving yourself a huge mental battle, and therefore preserving your energy. You are saving yourself the guilt you would feel if you over did it, and all the justifications you would have made as a result (oh, I ate way too much, but I'll just skip breakfast tomorrow). You are saving yourself a stomach ache, a weight gain set back, and a chance to fall off the wagon. How good will it feel the next morning knowing that you had the power to say no? And as a result, no gross bloating, no guilt ridden intense work outs, no negative self talk. View abstaining as a form of self care instead of a deprivation, and you will not dread your next holiday gathering or give dirty looks to the bowl of sugary roasted nuts. (I see you, you little bowl of deliciousness, but you're not gonna win this one!) 

Keep in mind that you may be able to moderate some things and need to abstain from others, and also:

• Commit. If you are moderating how much you can have, stop when you say you will. If you agree to abstain entirely, stick to that commitment.
• Don't compare. If your friends can moderate and you know you can't, don't try to. You are not your friends, family, or co-workers. You are uniquely yourself, so plan accordingly.
• Don't give in to pressure. If you are abstaining from something, and your Aunt Jo baked 'said thing' from scratch and it took her 3 days and she nearly burned her arm off and her love for you is preciously encased within it...you're still allowed to say no. Your goals for your health are no one's business but your own. Their temporarily hurt feelings will survive. 
• Enjoy! Don't dread the parties because of the food. Head into them with a solid plan, and stick to it. You will feel good about yourself, and hopefully use your saved mental energy to deal with the crazy dynamics of the people present. 

It's all an opportunity to get to know yourself a little better, and prove to yourself that you are worth your health and your goals. This identification of Abstainer or Moderator simply gives you the tools to move forward with acceptance and enjoyment. Whether you drink the champagne or not, find pleasure in your decision knowing it's what's best for you. 

Manageable Habit Formation

1. Sleep
2. Move
3. Eat and drink right
4. Unclutter

According to Better Than Before by author Gretchen Rubin, these are the four most valuable areas to start new habit formation, and I couldn't agree more. These "foundation habits" have a domino effect of positive reinforcement because when you improve one, the others are effected as well; "for instance, exercise helps people to sleep, and sleep helps people do everything better". So, if you are gearing up for those glutinous holidays and want to create better habits for a healthier life style, gain more self control, or simply shake things up a bit, try tackling a habit change in one or more of these four areas.

Me and my love of food wants to first urge you to challenge your eating habits. Find a weakness and tackle it to the ground! Is your weak spot after dinner snacks? Take on a 21 day challenge to not eat after supper. Why 21 days? Because that's how long it takes for something to become a habit. Sugar lover? Try limiting your treats to the weekend only. Over-eater? Fix yourself a plate and don't allow yourself to go back for seconds. (eating a pickle, taking a shot of apple cider vinegar, or popping a piece of gum are also healthy ways to curb that urge for more). Whatever food challenges you have, you have the ability to change them! Personally, my weaknesses are snacking on nuts, and red wine. Every year I take January and some other month entirely off from drinking any alcohol, and this year I'm choosing to challenge myself to No Nuts November (I really do love alliteration) - I look forward to the challenge of these months and the power I have when they end to add these things back into my life in a way I find healthy and balanced. Identify the weakness, and do something about it!

Onto movement. Movement doesn't have to be a strenuous hour at the gym every day or some 10 mile run. Just get up and move several times a day; have a dance party with your kids to an old favorite song; take the dog for a walk around the neighborhood; perform circuits of air squats and sit ups during commercial breaks; take advantage of a current habit (ie. fixing a pot of coffee) and stretch out while you wait. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, so get that body in motion and see what else you are motivated to do once you are up and at 'em!

Now, sleep can be a struggle, especially for parents. Once the kids get to bed, it's that constant battle of "do I stay up to get more done/have time with my spouse/do something for me, or do I get to bed early to catch up on sleep". Don't get me wrong, "me-time" is very important for your sanity and those around you, however, so is sleep. More times than not, you're going to feel better about turning in early than staying up late to finish that binge-worthy series. And, if you're getting more sleep, you'll feel more rested for those before work gym sessions or to get those kids up, fed, and packed for school. We do all things better with good rest, so here's that domino effect coming into play; you'll have the energy to cook a healthy meal instead of reaching for what's quickest, you'll feel motivated - and have less excuse not to - get moving in some way, and, having used your extra energy to do these things, you'll sleep well again that night. Boom, full circle.

As far as decluttering, we all know how good that can feel. But, we also know how many rooms, drawers, folders, or cabinets need to be decluttered. Don't overwhelm yourself by thinking of every little thing that could be organized better; take it one thing at a time. I like to keep a list in the Notes section of my phone of things I'd like to get done, but may not always have the time for. This way, when a client cancels last minute, I'm home with a sick kiddo, or my girls ask if there's an extra chore they can do to earn tickets, I have a list to turn to. Also, be realistic about things you are keeping; haven't used or worn it in over a year? Toss it. Or, at the very least, give it away to someone you know will use it - that way, if you ever really needed this thing again, you'd have access. You can also find ways to cut down on clutter by creating photo albums of things you want the memory of, but may not be able to keep. I do this with my girls' school crafts and projects; they keep their favorite picks from the school year, and I snap a photo of the rest to put into a memory album. This way, they don't have an endless amount of awkwardly folded construction paper projects crammed into a storage folder that they really won't care much about when they're 18 and their parents try and give it all to them (sorry, mom and dad, just sayin'). Start small, keep a list, and tackle it one project at a time.

As I've quoted a million times before, "the best way to create a new habit is to tie it to an existing one". Take a look at your daily routine, and see what (good) habits are already in place that you'd be able to expand on in order to improve any one of these four foundation habits. You may surprise yourself at just what an impact a subtle change can have on your daily life, and just how much power you have to create a healthier lifestyle with such minor changes.

Intermittent Fasting: An Update

"You only eat for 8 hours of the day!?" - This is a question we get asked quite often, my husband and I, when we tell people about how we use Intermittent Fasting as a daily part of our healthy lifestyle. We likely bore our friends and family to death with how much we encourage other's to try it for themselves, but that's because we are both so happy with the results it has given us and the self control it has taught us. It's made a world of difference in our ability to maintain or lose weight, allowing us food freedom, enhancing our energy during intense work out sessions, and, above all, has given us something to share together on a daily basis: whether we're whining to each other when the before-noon-hunger kicks in, or keeping each other in check when the 8-o'clock-cut-off rolls around, we're in it together. But, since I can only speak for myself, I'll share some of the reasons Intermittent Fasting has been such a wonderful thing in my health journey.

If you've read previous blogs of mine, I'm no stranger to food "issues". I've experienced it all; barely eating, binge eating, being wildly restrictive, being care-free then guilt ridden, calorie counting to cutting carbs, every diet fad out there from Paleo to the more medically suggested FODMAP - there was one common thing with any and everything I tried: nothing lasted. I felt deprived, my gut was always a mess, my - ahem - monthy friend was all out of whack, and my moods were all over the place. Intermittent Fasting has freed me from all of this. Here's why:

My only restriction now is time: I wait until at least noontime to eat. Those first few weeks of adjustment were tough, but once my body was used to my new eating schedule, things became "normal" and my hunger wouldn't show up until close to noon. This was also a much needed lesson that it's okay to feel a little hungry, rather than reaching for a snack at the first little tummy-rumble. In fact, this short window where hunger lets itself be known is nearly a reward in and of itself; I know I feel this way because I am being successful in my commitment to fasting, and it gives me time to really evaluate what I'd like to eat to break the fast. What am I in the mood for? Is is the day before a long run where I need to amp up the carbs, or am I recovering from a hard work out and would benefit from something higher in protein? By the time I feel hungry, tune into what my body's needing, and make myself a nourishing meal, it's noontime and I am more appreciative for food than ever. And the best part? Once your 8 hour window begins, you can eat however much you want. Now, with that said, if you choose to binge on candy and fast food in your 8 hours, you're not going to experience the good-feels of the added energy, healthier digestion, and better functioning metabolism, but both my husband and I made it through the holidays enjoying our pies and beverages all while maintaining/losing weight. Plus, our bodies appreciate routine when it comes to eating, so eating at the same time every day is how it aids digestion and boosts your metabolism - a big part of why this form of fasting can be successful in weight loss.

Intermittent Fasting has played a major role in my exercise. Previously, I used food and exercise to piggy back off of one another: I'd overeat knowing I could run it off the next day, or I would exercise excessively in order to "prepare" for an indulgent night out. This was an endless cycle that always left me feeling guilty. I'd be out there running on a beautiful day, but my mind was only thinking about those extra spoonfuls of peanut butter. Or, I'd be treating myself to a delicious dessert, only to be mentally calculating the calories I'd need to burn the following morning. None of this was enjoyable. I was taking the pure experience of food and exercise away from myself and replacing it with numbers, calories, and bad energy - energy that would then spread into the lives of my family, who definitely did not get the best of me at times. When you feel bad about the choices you make, you harvest that guilt and have little control over when it presents itself. I felt like I was always chasing after that next long run or that next indulgence, and never allowed myself to be present, let alone enjoy whatever it was I was doing. Fasting has given me that power back. Since I have to wait to eat, I appreciate my food all the more. And, since I know I stopped eating at 8:00 the night before instead of getting sucked into a binge eating snack fest, I don't feel the need to over exercise, which leads me to the next piece of freedom Intermittent Fasting has given me: guilt free rest days.

This may sound ridiculous, but after chatting with several friends and athletic clients alike, I'm not alone: rest days are tough. I feel antsy, I'm ravenously hungry to make up from my non-resting days, I am more careful with my food and drink intake knowing I wouldn't be burning anything extra that day, and those feelings bring around a Lauren that no one wants to be around. Before fasting, I would snack well into bedtime. The cycle went something like this: I'm hungry after dinner so I make a little snack, but that snack wasn't satisfying so I make a little more, and now even though I may be getting full, I'm simply enjoying eating, so then I play a mental game with myself that justifies any extra eating I do as long as I add on miles to my run the next morning, which notoriously lead to a 3rd bowl of cereal or several handfuls of nuts, seeds, chips - you name it. I would let myself get out of control by controlling my exercise. And, as you may have guessed, it never left me feeling good. I'd go to bed so full I could burst, and my run the next morning was groggy and anger-filled. No good, people. And, because this happened often, rest days did not. Fasting broke that cycle, and the negativity that came along with it. As long as I eat within my 8 hour window, I don't feel guilty about dessert after dinner or an after dinner snack. I no longer go to bed feeling full, but satisfied. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is no longer "ugh, what/how much did I eat last night" and because of that, rest days are tolerable. If I'm sore, extra tired or have a busy day of work ahead of me, I no longer have to think of my exercise in terms of food - I go ahead and take the day off, guilt free. Lucky for me this is a self-rewarding discovery, because after incorporating more regular rest days into my routine, I am suffering from less injuries and performing at my best. Another thanks to fasting since it puts you into your fat burning zone much faster, which is your body's best fuel and energy source.

Of course, there is no such thing as perfect. We have our days where we are out on dates and eat past our "eating time" because it would be pretty lame to not eat the dessert we ordered just because it arrived past 8 o'clock. Or, the day before or after a long run I typically skip fasting to make sure I'm getting in enough calories to fuel/recover. And of course there are family gatherings and holidays where we may eat a little early or a little late, and we let those days go. But I would say that in our time spent fasting, we stick to it strictly about 90% of the time. The best part is that we do so because we really want to, not because we feel we have to.

We have been consistent with Intermittent Fasting for nearly 8 months now. When I first began, I never expected it to be something I did permanently - I just figured I'd give yet another food thing a try, and eventually end up back in my over-eating over-exercising habits. This experience has been truly eye opening. It's totally my "ah-ha" moment, where I think to myself "this is what people mean when they say 'it's a life style, not a diet'". Now I get it. Better yet, now I feel it.  That -ahem- monthly visitor that used to be more like a yearly visitor now pops in on a regular basis, my moods feel more stabilized with consistent eating and exercise habits, my work outs have felt incredible, and I feel that for the first time since I can remember, I have a healthy relationship with food. That, above all, is why I will continue to make this my lifestyle. I enjoy the daily challenge of waiting to eat, I love the ability to tune into my body's needs, I appreciate the fact that, other than time, there are no "rules" to follow or food groups to eliminate, and I really enjoy sharing this experience with my husband.