Self Love With Food

 I love talking about food struggles.

That may sound odd, but I believe more of us struggle with our relationship with food than we may let on.

For years my eating habits fell into this same cycle: feeling "good" when I under ate, feeling guilty when I ate "bad" foods or "too much", or a binge followed by severe restriction along with over exercising to "make up" for it. Any of this sound familiar? 

I've done it all from intermittent fasting, to paleo, to FODMAP, to juice cleanses...you name it. I always justified whatever season of disordered eating I was in by telling myself I was healthy, and making the best choice for my body. (Your body is a temple, blah blah blah). 

The reality is, the more strict I was with my diet, the more unhappy I became. Every fleeting thought was about food; what did I eat the night before? What will I have for breakfast based on that? I can look back at photos of me at events or parties and know exactly where my mind was with food. "Oh, this was the day I binged on candy and ran a Spartan Race the following day." "This was the wedding where I brought my own dinner of sweet potatoes and chicken." "This was the night I skipped dinner because I couldn't stop eating snacks." Food is something that is meant to nourish us, give us energy, refuel us...and here I was using it as a control tool. And before I knew it, I was the one being controlled. 

In hopes of helping others who are struggling with their relationship with food or any form of disordered eating, let me tell you how some popular "diet culture" fads failed me. 

Intermittent Fasting. There are multiple ways to fast, but the one I followed allowed me (how sad) to eat for 8 hours of the day, and fast for the remaining 16. So basically, I would stop eating by 8pm, skip breakfast, and have my first meal of the day at 12. Before I move forward I would like to recognize that there are some very real health benefits to fasting at times; for example, it completely regulated my menstrual cycle. But that's enough of that, here's the downside: 

- it caused me to ignore my body's natural hunger cues

- it gave me an excuse to eat however much I wanted in my "eating window" which often lead to me feeling uncomfortably full 

- I missed out Sunday morning cozy breakfasts

- I had to keep myself busy to distract myself from morning hunger

Calorie Counting. This was probably the most detrimental thing I did for my "health". I used an app where you entered all your information (height, weight, activity levels, goals) and the app would allot you so many calories to hit per day, along with grams of fat, carbs, proteins, etc. Even if you went over your amount by one calorie, the tracker would turn bold, bright red, and display failure with a big fat -1. We're talking about a single calorie here, but it effected my mental health so poorly that I would dub the day as failed, and binge eat whatever I wanted to because I already "messed up". This always lead to:

- over exercising the next day fueled by guilt

- restricting food until I "made up" for the extra calories I ate the previous day 

- feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto my husband and daughters

- not sharing food because I already logged every bite

- not partaking in family ice cream nights because I "ran out" of calories

- hating my body for the ebbs and flows of bloating 

Diets. Of course, this doesn't include people who have real medical issues like celiac disease or true food allergies. For me, it started after the birth of our second daughter who turned out to have some real allergies herself. Since I was nursing, a new food was cut from my diet at each doctors appointment until I was almost fully Paleo (no breads, dairy, legumes, refined sugars, trans fats). After a year of nursing and sticking to this diet, my body had a hard time introducing the non-paleo-approved foods back into my diet. Instead of doing it correctly and slowly incorporating these back in, I took it as a self diagnosed food allergy and ran with it. Food labels became my obsession. I needed to eat as clean as possible. This failed me for many reasons:

- I made myself a different meal than my family each night

- I brought my own foods to holidays, dinners, even weddings

- I labeled foods as good and bad

- anxiety flooded me with every restaurant invitation 

- my daughters growing up hearing me say things like "I can't eat that, I won't eat that".

All of this was such a silent struggle for me. People assumed that because I'm naturally thin, a runner, and an upbeat, positive person that I was healthy. But, going through all these food-fads was the most unhappy I had been and one of my biggest inner struggles. I hated how I felt, I was sick and freaking tired of almonds and sweet potatoes, I was deprived from the true joy of food: a table surrounded my family at holidays, a beautifully cooked meal by a dear friend, comfort food from your mama. I made everyone around me anxious and uncomfortable because they never knew what to cook or where to take me. I unassumingly made my girls question all the foods they ate; they used to call me from sleepovers and ask my permission to eat certain snacks or desserts, and looking back, that just breaks my heart. My intentions were always to be as healthy as I could be (and man, once you go down the rabbit hole of label-reading and paleo research, you feel terrible for "poisoning" your body with processed foods) - but where these diet culture fads left me was with a body I hated and disordered eating. 

Change had to happen. So, I made the decision to love all foods again.

Yes, I still enjoy eating healthy because I know I'll feel better. But now, healthy to me is focus on mostly organic foods and nothing about calories, fats, carbs, or timing. But with that comes flexibility. I will no longer turn down food at someone's house or a restaurant simply because it's not organic. If I want a bowl of ice cream after dinner, I have it. If I want leftover pizza for breakfast, I go for it. I'm not saying this was an easy change, but there is no freedom like craving a food and allowing yourself to have it, or ordering what looks best on the menu and not what's lowest in calories or healthiest. Whether I'm hungry at 6am or 10am, I eat. I listen to my body's hunger cues and pay attention to what I'm in the mood for. I make sure I eat enough food to keep me satisfied for hours - but if I find myself hungry before the next meal, I eat. 

I didn't gain a gaggle of weight. In fact, I lost weight (not my intention). But I truly believe that once I healed my relationship with food, the amount of stress that left my body gave my metabolism a healthy boost. I love tasting desserts my girls order where I'd previously refuse. I love going to bed with zero guilt. I love waking up without a thought of my food intake from the night before. I love opening the fridge and asking myself exactly what I'm in the mood for. I love feeling relaxed at social gatherings and big events. I love exercising based on how I feel and not being fueled by food-guilt. I can't believe how much more space there is in this brain of mine when the clutter of food obsession moved out. 

Food freedom is possible. Let go of the fears, whatever they may be, and lean into the possibilities. 

It's worth it.