My relationship with food has been a long road.
Growing up, my beautiful, athletic, marathon running mother had struggled with views of her own body. She was always very strict with foods she "could" or "couldn't" eat, and I have fond memories of her lopping an entire scoop of ice cream off of the cone so she could just have a bite, or spit food into a napkin if it wasn't, in her opinion, worth the calories. I wish she could have seen how healthy she looked, and how unhealthy her relationship with food and her body image were.
I didn't think witnessing these things had much of an impact on my own views until I became a young adult. I remember for one Easter, I asked the Easter Bunny (Hi Dadster) to only fill my basket with healthy foods from Trader Joe's. I also remember sitting in my childhood bedroom as an early teen that year and literally counting out each organic cheese puff according to the serving size.
I convinced myself I had food sensitivities and cut out nearly everything at one point or another. I starved myself. I over ate. Either end of the spectrum was unhealthy. I'd wake up each morning calculating everything I ate the night before, and planned out meals for the rest of the week accordingly. I missed out on family pizza nights ("I can't eat that") and ice cream outtings ("Dairy!? No way.") I truly realized I was taking on my mother's habits when I refused bites of food from my two daughters; the last thing I want them to struggle with is food or body image. So, when we moved to North Carolina in 2019, my one goal was simple: FUCK THAT.
I was fortunate to move away because it allowed me to have a jump start. I was able to remove myself from old habits and fears and dive right into the life I wanted. I allowed fears of weight gain to go away by eating all the pizza and ice cream. I became okay - genuinely okay - with having some healthy weight on me for the first time in my life. I came to the realization that how my body looks will never be worth sacrificing memories with my husband, kids, friends and family.
It took over a year of un-doing my disordered eating habits, but I got there. The "extra" weight I gained natrually came off as my hormones and appetite leveled out. I no longer think of food as something to burn off or earn. I no longer look at working out as a means to burn calories. I feel the best I ever have eating and drinking whatever the hell I want, and working out as my body guides me - and it's all because I stopped thinking and started enjoying.
People have made comments about my body since I can remember, and let me tell you, it doesn't help one bit. Assuming I am healthy because I am thin, or because I mostly eat well, or because I exercise - trust me, it does not define health. When you are so consumed with body image that your mind only has room for thoughts of food and exercise and guilt, it doesn't matter how you look but how you feel. And man, did I feel like shit. I didn't have much mental space left for much else, including my own family. I was irritable all the time. I was anxious all the time. I felt like I failed all the time. I compared myself to others ALL. THE. TIME. Letting it all go and seeing what happened was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
Some things that changed:
1) I started exercising for ME. Not based on this friend or that influencer. I let go of the urge to keep up with my friend's mileage or feelings of inferiority to strong Crossfit women. I watched my work outs change from something I had to do (to burn off/earn food) to something I was excited to do. They went from guilt-ridden and stressful to empowering and energizing. I work out more days for less time, and my body had never looked or felt better. What a feeling to know that I didn't need to run 20 miles or be a body builder to love my body.
2) I started eating intuitively. I genuinely love eating healthy foods; they just make me feel good. But I was able to remove the guilt of wanting something that I would previously dub as "bad" or "unhealthy" - especially when really craving it. I've learned that if you are really in the mood for something, telling yourself you "can't" eat it only creates stress, and, typically leads to over eating because that salad you just devoured wasn't the greasy ass burger you truly wanted (and likely needed) - and so you snack and snack to try and fill the void. Intuitive eating teaches you that food is fuel, and that a slice of pizza or bowl of ice cream will not ruin you. It also allows you to truly check in with yourself; am I hungry for a small snack or bigger meal? Am I craving carbs? Fats? Protein? Sweets? Whatever it is, dive in. You'll be fine, promise.
3) I let go of rules. I can't believe some of the things I used to tell myself, like having to wait 4 hours between meals or snacks to eat again, having to work out fasted, having to start or stop eating at a certain time of day, and categorizing foods as good or bad. The anxiety these rules caused was not healthy. I was teaching myself NOT to eat when I was hungry, forcing myself to eat when I wasn't, always feeling guilty when I "broke" a rule...who wants to live like that? I was over it. Now, if I'm hungry an hour after breakfast, I simply ask myself what I'm in the mood for, eat it, and carry on. That one took some time to overcome, but seeing over time that eating what I wanted when I wanted it would not cause crazy weight gain or guilt really allowed me to let go and roll with it. In fact, eating this way actually has me eating LESS because I am more satisfied.
4) Learning that the scale is a big fat liar. Or, better put: our bodies naturally fluctuate in weight, and that's O-FREAKING-K. If I hop on the scale after an indulgent night out and am full of salty foods, I can magically weigh 5 pounds more overnight. I used to look at this number, get mad at myself, plan a new restrictive diet, and create pure misery for myself and those around me. News flash: it's water retention people, not weight gain. Accepting this, and also staying the hell away from a scale after beers and french fries, takes away any hold that food and body image has had on me. Instead of guilt, I can now look at a food-baby-belly and know I enjoyed myself and my indulgences. I can focus on the good conversations that came along with those friends and fries, and feel well-fueled for a work out, instead of hating my body or feeling the need to "work it off".
Don't assume that because someone is lean that they are healthy. Food and body image had such a hold on me for decades, despite inheriting my dad's lanky runner's body. Having a healthy relationship with food means having a healthy relationship with yourself. If you spend all of your time thinking about food, feeling guilty about food, depriving yourself of food... you leave such little headspace for anything else. You deserve to put your energy into things other than your previous or next meal. You deserve to enjoy your foods and the conversations and company that come with it. You deserve to love yourself for the you that you are, the body you were given, and the ability to take control of your life.
I am so fortunate to be in this headspace today. Food doesn't define me anymore.
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