Habits

"The habit of the habit is more important than the habit itself"

Yup. No matter what the habit is, whether it's considered good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, the fact that you do it habitually is what matters. Understanding this is a key component of behavior change. By identifying which habits you'd like to outgrow, you create time and space for new ones. Acknowledging which current habits enrich your life allows you to strengthen and add to them.

To gain this clarity, begin by holding yourself accountable in those areas you wish to improve. If you claim you don't have time for yourself, it's because you don't MAKE the time for yourself. There is no reason why you can't work full time, have a family, colorful social life, and still create healthy habits. You can tell yourself over and over again that you're too busy, that it's too late, that you're too tired - but you will get yourself nowhere. If you are ready for true growth, know that these excuses and justifications are ones you give yourself; it's not the fault of your job, your children, your spouse, or even the hours of the day that you are continuing on with old habits, it's your own. You have an incredible power to choose how you treat yourself in terms of your own wellness. The ability to identify areas of improvement when it comes to old habits requires you to take ownership; no one is in control of you - except you.

"By guarding against excuses and justifications, and by making our habits as enjoyable as possible, we help ourselves succeed"

Habit formation takes time, and because of this, it's important to build habits that you truly enjoy. If you'd like to change your exercise habits in order to lose weight, but absolutely hate the gym, signing up for one will only have you dreading your new habit. Find a form of exercise that appeals to you, motivates you to get there, and inspires you to stick with it! The same goes for any new habit you wish to form for better wellness - you don't need to eat salad to eat healthy, you don't have to take on your husband's hobby to spend more time together, you don't have to start running for exercise...there will always be a way to incorporate positive change into your routine, but for it to become habitual, your success lies within the enjoyment of the habit.

Of course, there are still going to be things in our lives that we may not enjoy but cannot simply give up because of it. I like to take these things and "make an experience" out of them, in order to add just a little pleasure to something seemingly less pleasant. Take the dishes: I'm a girl who likes her dishes done. Sometimes when I just want to relax, I find that I'm unable to do so with that sink piled high. Instead of dreading this chore and getting frustrated at my inability to kick my feet up at this moment, I turn it into something positive. I'll put on my favorite Pandora station and zone into the music. I'll play along with my daughters favorite game of "waitress" and "ask the staff" for help. Sometimes I'll even race the microwave when heating a coffee or meal (how many dishes can I put away in this 3 minutes!?) Now, this doesn't mean I'm skipping merrily into the kitchen, clicking my heels at every opportunity to get this chore done, but I did manage to create an enjoyable habit around it, and because it was something I enjoyed, it stuck. Habit of the habit.

Change is hard. It's time consuming. It can be frustrating, draining, and challenging. But you have to start somewhere, and this start comes from being ready; ready to tackle the challenge, to openly assess your previous failures and what habits need to be changed to avoid another failed attempt and gain success. Ready to identify your needs for improvement and to hold yourself accountable for why you are where you are, yet giving yourself the power to change and grow. Nothing is as easy at it sounds, but start with the basics: don't like a habit? Change it. Love a habit? Nourish it. Wish to create new habits? Make the time, put in the effort, and make it happen. It's no ones decision or responsibility but your own. As a Welllness Coach, I come in to support you in these changes and habit formations, stand by your side instead of above you, remind your of your strengths and abilities, and help you uncover the difference between who you are now and who you wish to be. This creation is possible through habits, now let's do this.

Who The Hell Are You, Anyway?

Comparison to others; everyone has done it. Sometimes these comparisons can be motivational when used to empower and inspire you, but mostly they leave you feeling inadequate, self loathing, and negatively toward yourself. But most importantly, it takes away from who we really are because we are wasting our energy trying to be like someone else. There is always going to be someone who can do something you can't, who has reached a goal you are struggling with, who is more patient or works harder or whatever it may be - that person will not go away, and, has nothing to do with you.

The difference between "changing" and "transforming" is rooted in who we really are, and therefore cannot be done until we find out who the hell that person is. What is this person passionate about? What are their strengths and struggles, their goals and fears? Even the most simple questions like "what do I hate? What do I love?", when answered honestly and with clarity, can begin thr process of behavior change in order to transform permanently into the person you are truly meant to be. Hate something? Find ways to say no. Love something? Find ways to incorporate it into your life as often as possible. 

It won't happen overnight - you've taken away from yourself by comparing to others for this many years - it'll take some time to get back to basics and realign with yourself. However, identifying some hard facts about yourself based on your own values, opinions and gut feelings will help naturally create a priority list for living. This list is key. It's a clear image of what matters most to you, and puts you in the drivers seat of how you spend your time according to no one but yourself. Ultimately, this creates a much more enjoyable life and happy being, which opens endless doors for further happiness. 

One thing I constantly remind myself and others of is that you are allowed to be selfish when it comes to your own happiness, because it allows you to be the best version of you; the version your kids, spouse, coworkers, clients, and even strangers deserve. Again, this is rooted in getting to know YOU. For me, I've learned that I like a tidy house. It doesn't have to be perfect, but I know that I cannot fully relax or enjoy a game with my daughters if there is a sink full of dirty dishes or cluttered countertop. I used to compare myself to others who were able to let these things go and turn their full attention to their kids, but I found when I tried this approach I was less tolerant, more snappy, and not a whole lot of fun to be around. Then, I would feel bad and talk negatively toward myself about why I was unable to be like the others, leaving me feeling inadequate and down about myself. On top of having a messy kitchen I now had a bad attitude and ruined what should have been enjoyable time with my girls. This wasn't helping anyone be happy, so I had to get to know myself better in this situation instead of looking to others. Maybe so-and-so could thrive with a list of chores, but I could not. Once I allowed this to be okay, things improved. I would quickly load the dishwasher and clear the countertops before agreeing to engage in something else, and found I was actually able to relax and enjoy the time spent afterwards. All from completing two freaking chores! How easy was that? Of course, this wasn't the one solution to my daily happiness and didn't prevent other stressors from arising, but it was an opportunity to learn something about myself, and let go of the thought of how others may handle this differently. So, kitchen clean up moved to the top of my priority list. This was a small change but one that mattered since it allowed me to remove a little daily stress from my life, wasn't time consuming, and created a space for focus in other areas. It wasn't selfish to make my kids wait a few minutes, it was what I needed and the outcome was a more present, patient mother to be around.

It can be as simple as getting a chore done, or as big as getting a divorce - but whatever it may be it needs to come from getting to know yourself. Clarify your needs, your obstacles, and also your joys, and make small changes. These changes will eventually lead to a transformation into the person you are truly meant to be, and cannot be done when comparing yourself to anyone else. But first, you have to introduce yourself - find out who the hell you are.