Self Love With Food

 I love talking about food struggles.

That may sound odd, but I believe more of us struggle with our relationship with food than we may let on.

For years my eating habits fell into this same cycle: feeling "good" when I under ate, feeling guilty when I ate "bad" foods or "too much", or a binge followed by severe restriction along with over exercising to "make up" for it. Any of this sound familiar? 

I've done it all from intermittent fasting, to paleo, to FODMAP, to juice cleanses...you name it. I always justified whatever season of disordered eating I was in by telling myself I was healthy, and making the best choice for my body. (Your body is a temple, blah blah blah). 

The reality is, the more strict I was with my diet, the more unhappy I became. Every fleeting thought was about food; what did I eat the night before? What will I have for breakfast based on that? I can look back at photos of me at events or parties and know exactly where my mind was with food. "Oh, this was the day I binged on candy and ran a Spartan Race the following day." "This was the wedding where I brought my own dinner of sweet potatoes and chicken." "This was the night I skipped dinner because I couldn't stop eating snacks." Food is something that is meant to nourish us, give us energy, refuel us...and here I was using it as a control tool. And before I knew it, I was the one being controlled. 

In hopes of helping others who are struggling with their relationship with food or any form of disordered eating, let me tell you how some popular "diet culture" fads failed me. 

Intermittent Fasting. There are multiple ways to fast, but the one I followed allowed me (how sad) to eat for 8 hours of the day, and fast for the remaining 16. So basically, I would stop eating by 8pm, skip breakfast, and have my first meal of the day at 12. Before I move forward I would like to recognize that there are some very real health benefits to fasting at times; for example, it completely regulated my menstrual cycle. But that's enough of that, here's the downside: 

- it caused me to ignore my body's natural hunger cues

- it gave me an excuse to eat however much I wanted in my "eating window" which often lead to me feeling uncomfortably full 

- I missed out Sunday morning cozy breakfasts

- I had to keep myself busy to distract myself from morning hunger

Calorie Counting. This was probably the most detrimental thing I did for my "health". I used an app where you entered all your information (height, weight, activity levels, goals) and the app would allot you so many calories to hit per day, along with grams of fat, carbs, proteins, etc. Even if you went over your amount by one calorie, the tracker would turn bold, bright red, and display failure with a big fat -1. We're talking about a single calorie here, but it effected my mental health so poorly that I would dub the day as failed, and binge eat whatever I wanted to because I already "messed up". This always lead to:

- over exercising the next day fueled by guilt

- restricting food until I "made up" for the extra calories I ate the previous day 

- feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto my husband and daughters

- not sharing food because I already logged every bite

- not partaking in family ice cream nights because I "ran out" of calories

- hating my body for the ebbs and flows of bloating 

Diets. Of course, this doesn't include people who have real medical issues like celiac disease or true food allergies. For me, it started after the birth of our second daughter who turned out to have some real allergies herself. Since I was nursing, a new food was cut from my diet at each doctors appointment until I was almost fully Paleo (no breads, dairy, legumes, refined sugars, trans fats). After a year of nursing and sticking to this diet, my body had a hard time introducing the non-paleo-approved foods back into my diet. Instead of doing it correctly and slowly incorporating these back in, I took it as a self diagnosed food allergy and ran with it. Food labels became my obsession. I needed to eat as clean as possible. This failed me for many reasons:

- I made myself a different meal than my family each night

- I brought my own foods to holidays, dinners, even weddings

- I labeled foods as good and bad

- anxiety flooded me with every restaurant invitation 

- my daughters growing up hearing me say things like "I can't eat that, I won't eat that".

All of this was such a silent struggle for me. People assumed that because I'm naturally thin, a runner, and an upbeat, positive person that I was healthy. But, going through all these food-fads was the most unhappy I had been and one of my biggest inner struggles. I hated how I felt, I was sick and freaking tired of almonds and sweet potatoes, I was deprived from the true joy of food: a table surrounded my family at holidays, a beautifully cooked meal by a dear friend, comfort food from your mama. I made everyone around me anxious and uncomfortable because they never knew what to cook or where to take me. I unassumingly made my girls question all the foods they ate; they used to call me from sleepovers and ask my permission to eat certain snacks or desserts, and looking back, that just breaks my heart. My intentions were always to be as healthy as I could be (and man, once you go down the rabbit hole of label-reading and paleo research, you feel terrible for "poisoning" your body with processed foods) - but where these diet culture fads left me was with a body I hated and disordered eating. 

Change had to happen. So, I made the decision to love all foods again.

Yes, I still enjoy eating healthy because I know I'll feel better. But now, healthy to me is focus on mostly organic foods and nothing about calories, fats, carbs, or timing. But with that comes flexibility. I will no longer turn down food at someone's house or a restaurant simply because it's not organic. If I want a bowl of ice cream after dinner, I have it. If I want leftover pizza for breakfast, I go for it. I'm not saying this was an easy change, but there is no freedom like craving a food and allowing yourself to have it, or ordering what looks best on the menu and not what's lowest in calories or healthiest. Whether I'm hungry at 6am or 10am, I eat. I listen to my body's hunger cues and pay attention to what I'm in the mood for. I make sure I eat enough food to keep me satisfied for hours - but if I find myself hungry before the next meal, I eat. 

I didn't gain a gaggle of weight. In fact, I lost weight (not my intention). But I truly believe that once I healed my relationship with food, the amount of stress that left my body gave my metabolism a healthy boost. I love tasting desserts my girls order where I'd previously refuse. I love going to bed with zero guilt. I love waking up without a thought of my food intake from the night before. I love opening the fridge and asking myself exactly what I'm in the mood for. I love feeling relaxed at social gatherings and big events. I love exercising based on how I feel and not being fueled by food-guilt. I can't believe how much more space there is in this brain of mine when the clutter of food obsession moved out. 

Food freedom is possible. Let go of the fears, whatever they may be, and lean into the possibilities. 

It's worth it. 

Disordered Eating - Signs You Are Healing

 My disordered eating has been a decade long journey. From being overly restrictive to binges, excessive exercise to calorie counting, it has been a long road to healing. I took a leap of faith when we moved south and said "fuck it" to the hold food and exercise had on me. Now, nearly three years later, I am noticing so many ways I have healed, and figured it was worth a share so that anyone out there who is still struggling can know there is an end to the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. 

Here are some things I have noticed:

I no longer start my day thinking about the things I ate the day before. 

I no longer end my days with guilt, or plans of a healthier tomorrow. 

The clock doesn't determine when I am "allowed" to eat - hunger cues do.

Rest days don't revolve around the previous days food choices.

Work out success isn't measured by calories burned.

I order whatever the hell sounds good on the menu when eating out, whether the calories are listed or not.

I don't bring my own foods to cookouts, and enjoy whatever is served. 

I exercise to appreciate my body, instead of punish it. 

I pause to think about the foods I am in the mood for, rather than eating what I "should". 

I can recognize water weight after an indulgent night and know it's proof of enjoyment.

I respect my body's cravings even if they are considered less healthy. 

I've also noticed:

More self love. Less anxiety. The fact that my body actually does better with less strenuous work outs and more foods. That the scale doesn't mean shit. That your body image is less important than eating the cake at the party. That you're a dick if you bring your own meal to a wedding. That at the end of the day, enjoying foods and movements you love balanced with the healthy shit is all that matters. 

Food and exercise shouldn't consume your thoughts. 

Having quiet coffee in the morning with a book - without the chatter of "I ate too much. That was bad. I am bad. I'm going to run 10 miles" - is the most freedom I have felt within myself. My day flows with nothing but good energy; good sounding foods, good sounding movement. Being obsessively healthy is still being obsessive. This life is for enjoying, living. I hope anyone who feels prisoner to food and exercise can break free; it's pretty freaking amazing.

Consistency

"Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with"

Several people suggested I blog about my fitness routine and meal plans, and here's the thing: it won't help you. We are not the same. We don't have the same body types, digestive needs, sleep habits, work schedule, motivation - you name it. That quote up there, though? That quote is everything you need to know about how you can make fitness and healthy food work in your life. I will, however, give you examples of how I found what works for me, and maybe realizing there's more than one way to do something or be healthy may help. 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I love to work out and eat healthy, but I also love chocolate, red wine, burgers and pizza. Consistency and flexibility go hand in hand for me. When I am rigid about exercise and food, I feel anxious, I am aware of calories, I label foods and good or bad (which translates to me being good or bad); I work out to burn calories versus to feel good, and everything feels like a vicious cycle. The more flexible I became with food and exercise, the more I was able to be consistent with it simply because I felt good. 

Think about the time you have in a day. Some of you have full time jobs, are single parents, take care of sick relatives, and are drained by the time you hit the sheets. Working out 5 days a week for hours at a time may not be your cup of tea. What you do to move and nourish your body has to fit into your schedule, otherwise it'll just cause you more stress. What's doable? Are you able to get to bed early and get that work out in early before work? Are you a night owl who can tackle a few living room air squats before bed? Do you have a lunch break where you could walk or skip out to the gym? It won't always be convenient, but if you enjoy what you spend that time doing, it can become a solid habit. Which leads me to...

...Do what's best for you. I hated yoga when I had to hold Chair and Warrior positions for extended periods of time. It wasn't until I discovered movement based yoga (think dynamic stretching) that I truly made it a consistent part of my day. I hated weight lifting until I discovered how great my body felt doing lighter, higher rep movements instead of intimidatingly heavy PR stuff. I hated walking because I didn't get "that burn" you do from running, until I decided to drop that thought process and simply enjoy the fresh air and movement. (Not to mention getting absolutely schooled when walking with a neighbor who is speedy and waking up more sore than a work out!) Plain and simple, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, you won't do it. No matter how good it is for you, how much weight you lose or muscle you gain - you have to be excited about it. Period. That includes being flexible with your body daily; I can plan for a leg day, do one back squat and think NOPE - arm day it is. Rigidity sets you up for failure. Flexibility is key. 

Food is tricky. Some people have legitimate allergies or digestive issues, some people like to eat clean while others don't give a shit. Some people do better with more fats and proteins, others do better with higher carbs. According to the Blood Type Diet, my O- self thrives on red meat, carbs, and red wine. (Score!) - And I do notice that when I eat a higher red meat and higher carb diet, I digest better, I feel more energized in my work outs, and I snack less because I am satisfied and full. This doesn't mean I stick to this whatsoever, because I also love my high fat stuff like avocados, nuts, oils, and cheeses. This also doesn't mean I want you to stick to any kind of diet (I truly hate them) - but it's interesting to see what your body type needs and thrives on. My husband's blood type basically told him to be a vegetarian and never drink beer, so, yeah. No. Just eat what feels right for your body at the times you are hungry. There are no rules that you have to go so many hours between meals or snacks, there are no rules that say you need a protein shake after work outs or no carbs after 8pm. The best way to eat is to notice when you are hungry, and feel out what you're craving. Remember, no "good" and "bad" foods - just "less healthy" ones. And, if you find yourself craving one of those, eat it. Our bodies crave things for a reason based on stress levels, exercise levels, hormone levels. All we have to do is listen. 

Meal prep. I know a lot of people who do this, and I think it's great. It's easy to eat well when you have prepared foods that are quick to heat up or take on the go. Personally I don't do it, but again, my schedule allows me to have the time to shop and cook as I need. I focus on getting in protein at (almost) every meal, at least a veggie a day, and lots of water. From there, it's a free-for-all. Snacks are whatever I'm in the mood for or have in the pantry, dessert is if I'm in the mood for it, alcohol accompanies a good meal or company, carbs are awesome. Create meals that will fuel you, satisfy you, and that simply work for you.

So again, I will share that quote: "Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with". If it doesn't fit into your schedule, if you are forcing it, if you down right hate it, find another way. It's whatever you CAN DO - and the ability to do it creates CONSISTENCY and boom: you've created your wellness routine. 

Growth and Shit

 

Today, I bailed on my planned afternoon leg-day lifting-session, and took the little human and pups to get ice cream instead. No big deal, right? Two years ago, I couldn't have said yes. I would have felt guilty for taking two rest days in a row, would have planned a bird-food dinner and strenuous morning work out. I wouldn't have enjoyed this ice cream time with my daughter and fur babies because my anxiety would have taken over, making me on edge, snappy, and short. 

When we got into the car, I realized that I wasn't second guessing this decision, and felt guilt free about it, so I snapped this photo as a little high-five to myself for becoming healthier and happier. Funny how different that can look for people; I hear more about people wanting to work out more and eat "junk" food less, so someone like me who used to over exercise and calculate every calorie that touched my lips went unnoticed as problematic to most everyone but me. I was told how diligent I was, how motivating, disciplined, and worst of all - skinny. 

**Unfortunately most Americans are looking to lose weight, and because of this they think calling someone thin, skinny, or lean is a compliment. Let me tell you, it's not. Especially when you've been working hard for years to put even the tiniest bit of muscle on, or have lost weight due to stress, or struggled with disordered eating. You don't know what unhealthy things you may be commenting on.**

So today was a win for me. A small moment where I got to see how okay I am after so many years of feeling anything but. Choosing to get ice cream felt like I was choosing my daughter, my dogs, and myself. I know that it felt way better than any hour garage lifting sesh I would have grinded through. I also know I've had many of these moments on my health journey over the last 2+ years, but being able to stop and see them just makes it all that much more worth it. And, if I wake up bloated from foods I don't normally eat, I'll rub my happy little belly and maybe take another rest day. 

Daily Wellness Tips

 Being "well" doesn't always mean salads and treadmills. Doing one small thing for your wellness each day can provide those feel good vibes, and cause a ripple effect for more.

1) Do something good for your body every day. Sure, this could mean a good work out or a healthy meal, but it could also mean a rest day with a good bubble bath, having your morning coffee in the sunshine, taking the time to stretch, using a sugar scrub in the shower, or carving out time for a few chapters of that book. 

2) Wear clothes that actually fit you. Even if your goal is to lose weight, stop squeezing into the clothes you want to fit into, or the number-size you think you should be. Buy the bigger number, and focus on how that number doesn't dig into your sides or belly and actually makes you feel comfortable. Your body will look better without being suffocated, and you'll feel better too.

3) Tune in. Really, really tune in; for everything from what foods you're in the mood for and what kind of movement your body needs, to whether or not you need time alone, time with your significant other, time with kids or friends or pets, time outdoors or time in a dark room with a good TV show. The more you listen, the more balanced your energy and mood will be. 

4) Stop comparing yourself to others. You can do the same work outs and eat the same foods as someone else, and you will STILL not look like them. We all have different builds, bone structures, metabolisms, genetics, and needs; the more you focus (and accept) yourself, the better you will feel for YOU, not for someone else. 

One good thing for your body and mind each day will add up, and get you on the path to really getting to know yourself and create your own goodness. Our wellness determines our mood, our energy, our flexibility and our capabilities. Be sure to put these things in your own hands, based on the needs of YOU. When you feel good, it doesn't feel like work, but a pleasure. 

Overcoming Disordered Eating

 My relationship with food has been a long road. 

Growing up, my beautiful, athletic, marathon running mother had struggled with views of her own body. She was always very strict with foods she "could" or "couldn't" eat, and I have fond memories of her lopping an entire scoop of ice cream off of the cone so she could just have a bite, or spit food into a napkin if it wasn't, in her opinion, worth the calories. I wish she could have seen how healthy she looked, and how unhealthy her relationship with food and her body image were. 

I didn't think witnessing these things had much of an impact on my own views until I became a young adult. I remember for one Easter, I asked the Easter Bunny (Hi Dadster) to only fill my basket with healthy foods from Trader Joe's. I also remember sitting in my childhood bedroom as an early teen that year and literally counting out each organic cheese puff according to the serving size. 

I convinced myself I had food sensitivities and cut out nearly everything at one point or another. I starved myself. I over ate. Either end of the spectrum was unhealthy. I'd wake up each morning calculating everything I ate the night before, and planned out meals for the rest of the week accordingly. I missed out on family pizza nights ("I can't eat that") and ice cream outtings ("Dairy!? No way.") I truly realized I was taking on my mother's habits when I refused bites of food from my two daughters; the last thing I want them to struggle with is food or body image. So, when we moved to North Carolina in 2019, my one goal was simple: FUCK THAT.

I was fortunate to move away because it allowed me to have a jump start. I was able to remove myself from old habits and fears and dive right into the life I wanted. I allowed fears of weight gain to go away by eating all the pizza and ice cream. I became okay - genuinely okay - with having some healthy weight on me for the first time in my life. I came to the realization that how my body looks will never be worth sacrificing memories with my husband, kids, friends and family. 

It took over a year of un-doing my disordered eating habits, but I got there. The "extra" weight I gained natrually came off as my hormones and appetite leveled out. I no longer think of food as something to burn off or earn. I no longer look at working out as a means to burn calories. I feel the best I ever have eating and drinking whatever the hell I want, and working out as my body guides me - and it's all because I stopped thinking and started enjoying. 

People have made comments about my body since I can remember, and let me tell you, it doesn't help one bit. Assuming I am healthy because I am thin, or because I mostly eat well, or because I exercise - trust me, it does not define health. When you are so consumed with body image that your mind only has room for thoughts of food and exercise and guilt, it doesn't matter how you look but how you feel. And man, did I feel like shit. I didn't have much mental space left for much else, including my own family. I was irritable all the time. I was anxious all the time. I felt like I failed all the time. I compared myself to others ALL. THE. TIME. Letting it all go and seeing what happened was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. 

Some things that changed:

1) I started exercising for ME. Not based on this friend or that influencer. I let go of the urge to keep up with my friend's mileage or feelings of inferiority to strong Crossfit women. I watched my work outs change from something I had to do (to burn off/earn food) to something I was excited to do. They went from guilt-ridden and stressful to empowering and energizing. I work out more days for less time, and my body had never looked or felt better. What a feeling to know that I didn't need to run 20 miles or be a body builder to love my body.

2) I started eating intuitively. I genuinely love eating healthy foods; they just make me feel good. But I was able to remove the guilt of wanting something that I would previously dub as "bad" or "unhealthy" - especially when really craving it. I've learned that if you are really in the mood for something, telling yourself you "can't" eat it only creates stress, and, typically leads to over eating because that salad you just devoured wasn't the greasy ass burger you truly wanted (and likely needed) - and so you snack and snack to try and fill the void. Intuitive eating teaches you that food is fuel, and that a slice of pizza or bowl of ice cream will not ruin you. It also allows you to truly check in with yourself; am I hungry for a small snack or bigger meal? Am I craving carbs? Fats? Protein? Sweets? Whatever it is, dive in. You'll be fine, promise. 

3) I let go of rules. I can't believe some of the things I used to tell myself, like having to wait 4 hours between meals or snacks to eat again, having to work out fasted, having to start or stop eating at a certain time of day, and categorizing foods as good or bad. The anxiety these rules caused was not healthy. I was teaching myself NOT to eat when I was hungry, forcing myself to eat when I wasn't, always feeling guilty when I "broke" a rule...who wants to live like that? I was over it. Now, if I'm hungry an hour after breakfast, I simply ask myself what I'm in the mood for, eat it, and carry on. That one took some time to overcome, but seeing over time that eating what I wanted  when I wanted it would not cause crazy weight gain or guilt really allowed me to let go and roll with it. In fact, eating this way actually has me eating LESS because I am more satisfied. 

4) Learning that the scale is a big fat liar. Or, better put: our bodies naturally fluctuate in weight, and that's O-FREAKING-K. If I hop on the scale after an indulgent night out and am full of salty foods, I can magically weigh 5 pounds more overnight. I used to look at this number, get mad at myself, plan a new restrictive diet, and create pure misery for myself and those around me. News flash: it's water retention people, not weight gain. Accepting this, and also staying the hell away from a scale after beers and french fries, takes away any hold that food and body image has had on me. Instead of guilt, I can now look at a food-baby-belly and know I enjoyed myself and my indulgences. I can focus on the good conversations that came along with those friends and fries, and feel well-fueled for a work out, instead of hating my body or feeling the need to "work it off". 

Don't assume that because someone is lean that they are healthy. Food and body image had such a hold on me for decades, despite inheriting my dad's lanky runner's body. Having a healthy relationship with food means having a healthy relationship with yourself. If you spend all of your time thinking about food, feeling guilty about food, depriving yourself of food... you leave such little headspace for anything else. You deserve to put your energy into things other than your previous or next meal. You deserve to enjoy your foods and the conversations and company that come with it. You deserve to love yourself for the you that you are, the body you were given, and the ability to take control of your life.

I am so fortunate to be in this headspace today. Food doesn't define me anymore. 

Goals

 With the New Year approaching (thank you LAWWWD 2020 is ending) - let's talk goals.

As you enter 2021 with high hopes, your success will be based on the goals you set and your ability to accomplish them. But here's the thing: goals CHANGE. It's likely most of the initial goals set for New Year's Resolutions will revolve around better eating, more exercise and less drinking; this is because it's a goal for right now - a time after indulgences, celebrations, and the flexibility of yoga pants. It's normal to want to "get back on track" when you may not be feeling your best, but you are also not going to feel your worst for the rest of the year. This is why telling yourself that it's a realistic goal to eat all the kale (gross) and run all the miles for the entire year is setting yourself up for failure. This is where flexibility within your goal is needed.

Now, that's not to say that once you set a goal, you get to break it often and say FUCK YEAH I'M BEING FLEXIBLE WHERE'S THE CHEESECAKE BABY!? But more so to recognize when a goal has run it's course and is time to rework it. If you're feeling a little fluffy after the holiday season and you'd like to move your body in a way that feels good and eat in a way that's nourishing - do it. But, whenever you feel like that goal has been met, tweak it. Maybe after a week of salads, yoga and water you're feeling renewed, and recognize that it's time to move on. Use your motivation from the holiday goodies as a jump start, rather than something long term. 

Change your food and fitness goals as you see fit. Restricting may work for a short time to get you back on track, but it's not realistic (or healthy) to keep up. Over exercising may feel like it gets you back in the routine of things, but will ultimately lead to injury and is freaking time consuming. The more you are flexible with your goals, the more control you will have over your success; and let's be real - it's the control we're after in the first place. We want to feel in control of our choices, and flexibility allows for just that. 

Flexibility within your goals allows one to naturally lead to the next. After that week of salads you may feel better but you're absolutely starving, so you want to keep up the good foods but eat more. Maybe your goal changes from wanting to feel better to wanting to eat better. And, once you intuitively eat better based on what feels good for you, indulging here and there can be guilt free. You may set a body-goal to be more flexible. That flexibility may lead to a more comfortable stride when walking or running, or increased range of motion when lifting, and naturally motivate you towards your next goal. 

You may set a goal for yourself early on that really just isn't working for you, and it's okay to change it in a way that makes it doable. Goals that change will keep you going throughout the year, instead of those first few months. It'll keep you motivated, keep things fresh, and puts you in control of what is best for you, your body, and your health. Changing a goal is not failure, it's flexibility. As long as you are working towards your ultimate goal, make the changes needed along the way in order to succeed. Make 2021 the year that you don't let yourself down. The year that you don't compare to others. The year you do what's best for you based on where you're at, not where you want to be. Define what healthy looks like for yourself, whether it's incorporating more protein or spending more time with friends - you have the ability if you set (and re-set) the goal.