"Don't take it personally" - it's a phrase that gets thrown around when someone tends to overreact to something that someone else has done. And, it's right up there on the middle-finger scale along with "so what?", "who cares?", and the Frozen-famous "let it go". When we hear these things after reacting to a situation, they can be easily interpreted as hurtful, all while you're waving your arms in temper tantrum form yelling "hello!? I care! I am personally offended and screw you for not caring!"
It's a shitty feeling. You are left feeling offended, unheard, and still pissed off about whatever caused your initial reaction, all while everyone else looks on wondering why the hell you're so worked up.
Well, let me tell you a little story (or two) about how I was able to identify my problem; that problem, as you likely guessed, was taking everything personally.
Let's start with freaking phones. Backstory: my mother way always on the phone when I was growing up. Her phone calls rolled from one to another, from friend to sibling to client. At home, in the car, at the mall, I felt like it was one big waiting game for her to end the call and pay me some attention. Now as an adult with my own family, I make a serious attempt to lose my phone when I'm home with my daughters or spending time with my husband. This makes me feel good. I'm somehow healing that inner child who craved attention by being able to give that to my own kiddos. What I do have a hard time with, however, is when someone else is on their phone. I never knew why this bothered me so much, but I could literally feel my blood boiling if my husband wanted to browse Facebook while we were all sitting around, or if a friend whips out their phone during a dinner party to check in with social media. That little Lauren inside was throwing a temper tantrum screaming "pay attention to me! put your goddamn phone away!" And then there was adult Lauren on the outside, who bit her tongue, let her blood boil and cool back down, and move on unaware of why these feelings were occurring.
I can tell you why: I took it personally. Every time my husband took out his phone, I interpreted it as one big F.U. While he's thinking nothing of it, I'm mentally creating a dialog for him that sounds something like this "you're not important enough for me to pay attention to you so I'm going to be on my phone instead". Now, I'm upset. I'm fighting to not say anything to avoid an argument. Who wants to be the nagging wife who tells her husband when he can or can't be on his phone? He's a grown man. But I'm over here with all the needs of all the attention like a toddler. Me, me, me! So, like your cliche therapy kid with mommy-issues, my childhood comes bubbling up, and cascades into my marriage without my permission. My burst of anger about his phone use comes out of left field in his eyes. Now we're both upset and there's no real understanding on either part; he doesn't see a big deal with a few minutes of phone browsing, and I'm feeling emotionally hurt by it.
It took the recognition and ownership of taking it personally for me to pump the brakes and view this in a new light. Sure, I can blame childhood neglect, but blame doesn't solve anything - taking responsibility does. It can be my mother's fault that I feel this way, but it's my responsibility to claim ownership of my feelings and reactions. It's easy to sit back and point the finger. I could cross my arms, say that this is the way I am because it's ingrained in my upbringing and I'll forever be sensitive about this subject so screw you, you, and you. Or, I can recognize that this is a daily, shitty problem, and that I have the power to address it. And, addressing it is anything but easy. It's uncomfortable, it's messy, it's raw and honest, it's painful...but, it's also empowering, liberating, freeing, and opens communication, ground for growth and understanding. My husband and friends now recognize why this is such a sensitive thing for me, and I can remove myself from their phone equation; it has nothing to do with me whatsoever.
Taking things personally messes everything up. Realizing where my phone-sensitivity came from opened many more doors where I could apply anger, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy right back to the source of taking things personally. Just because some family members are gifted with free kid care doesn't change the fact that my husband and I barely see each other in order to avoid constant baby sitters - but I chose to be angry about it by taking it personally. Just because some friends have their kids involved in endless activities doesn't make me a bad mom for limiting our daughters to gymnastics, but I chose to feel inadequate because I took it personally. I've been able to pin-point so many negative emotions towards other people and situations that all come back to, you guessed it, taking shit personally.
In my life through dozens of situations, I've had people tell me to forget about it, to move on, to not let it bother me - and it wasn't until I woke up to the damage I was doing myself that I could truly appreciate what they were telling me. It's not that I was wrong for being upset, or that my feelings were invalid; it's that I was creating my own inflated problems by projecting childhood fears, wants, and needs into these situations in my adult life. Identifying where this inner pain was coming from loosened the grip on my reactions. I can now let people "do them" while I "do me" and be at ease with it.
So, with that, I encourage you to dig deep. Ask yourself why you're so upset with this person or that situation. I bet somewhere in there, if you go deep enough, you'll find some aspect where you feel offended because you're taking it personally. Don't take it personally. So what. Who cares. Let it go.
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