Holidays: Cookies and Pies and Champagne, Oh My!

The Holidays. They are supposed to be a fun, enjoyable experience that we look forward to. But, more often than not, they turn into a stressful, over indulgent, feel bad about ourselves time of year. Here's the thing: there is a way to get through those endless holiday cheese platters, trays of cookies and shots of Bailey's without the guilt; you have to identify yourself as either an Abstainer, or a Moderator. 

Inspired by author Gretchen Rubin and her insanely helpful book Better Than Before, if you are able to categorize yourself as one of these two things, your holidays (and other things in your life) will become a guilt-free experience. All you have to do is ask yourself, and answer honestly, are you able to indulge moderately? Are you able to have one piece of bread from the basket? If you crave dessert, are you able to have a few bites or small serving and feel satisfied? Are you able to enjoy alcoholic drinks and still control your eating habits when the buzz kicks in? There are few who can, but for those of you who are out there, congratulations, you're a Moderator! You can breeze through the holidays knowing that you can look forward to tasting delicious and indulgent treats and having the power to stop once your taste buds are exploding with flavorful satisfaction. It's that ability to stop that sets you aside from us Abstainers. Which is without a doubt what I am. 

Abstainers simply have to say no to the things they know they will overdo it with. And, before you think "well that doesn't sound like any fun and I will be totally deprived", hear me out. I'm an eater. I love my foods, and I love indulging. However, there have been too many times where having "just a few" tortilla chips turned into half the bowl. Or "one bite" of apple pie turned into seconds (or thirds). And don't get me started on my beloved almonds and cashews. Sure, these things are tasty, and I enjoy them, but I am not a Modifier. I am not someone who can have a few or a bite and stop. Those tastes send me spiraling into a craving for more, and before I know it I'm so full and guilt ridden, and that feeling is never worth the taste. So, after countless gatherings of over eating, followed by a promise to skip meals the following day and go run some crazy distance, I've learned to identify myself as an Abstainer, and just simply don't try to force myself into the Modifier mold. I can't just have some, and so I have none. 

Saying no will not leave you feeling deprived, because you have the option to feel empowered instead. By abstaining from things you know will get out of hand, you are saving yourself a huge mental battle, and therefore preserving your energy. You are saving yourself the guilt you would feel if you over did it, and all the justifications you would have made as a result (oh, I ate way too much, but I'll just skip breakfast tomorrow). You are saving yourself a stomach ache, a weight gain set back, and a chance to fall off the wagon. How good will it feel the next morning knowing that you had the power to say no? And as a result, no gross bloating, no guilt ridden intense work outs, no negative self talk. View abstaining as a form of self care instead of a deprivation, and you will not dread your next holiday gathering or give dirty looks to the bowl of sugary roasted nuts. (I see you, you little bowl of deliciousness, but you're not gonna win this one!) 

Keep in mind that you may be able to moderate some things and need to abstain from others, and also:

• Commit. If you are moderating how much you can have, stop when you say you will. If you agree to abstain entirely, stick to that commitment.
• Don't compare. If your friends can moderate and you know you can't, don't try to. You are not your friends, family, or co-workers. You are uniquely yourself, so plan accordingly.
• Don't give in to pressure. If you are abstaining from something, and your Aunt Jo baked 'said thing' from scratch and it took her 3 days and she nearly burned her arm off and her love for you is preciously encased within it...you're still allowed to say no. Your goals for your health are no one's business but your own. Their temporarily hurt feelings will survive. 
• Enjoy! Don't dread the parties because of the food. Head into them with a solid plan, and stick to it. You will feel good about yourself, and hopefully use your saved mental energy to deal with the crazy dynamics of the people present. 

It's all an opportunity to get to know yourself a little better, and prove to yourself that you are worth your health and your goals. This identification of Abstainer or Moderator simply gives you the tools to move forward with acceptance and enjoyment. Whether you drink the champagne or not, find pleasure in your decision knowing it's what's best for you. 

Manageable Habit Formation

1. Sleep
2. Move
3. Eat and drink right
4. Unclutter

According to Better Than Before by author Gretchen Rubin, these are the four most valuable areas to start new habit formation, and I couldn't agree more. These "foundation habits" have a domino effect of positive reinforcement because when you improve one, the others are effected as well; "for instance, exercise helps people to sleep, and sleep helps people do everything better". So, if you are gearing up for those glutinous holidays and want to create better habits for a healthier life style, gain more self control, or simply shake things up a bit, try tackling a habit change in one or more of these four areas.

Me and my love of food wants to first urge you to challenge your eating habits. Find a weakness and tackle it to the ground! Is your weak spot after dinner snacks? Take on a 21 day challenge to not eat after supper. Why 21 days? Because that's how long it takes for something to become a habit. Sugar lover? Try limiting your treats to the weekend only. Over-eater? Fix yourself a plate and don't allow yourself to go back for seconds. (eating a pickle, taking a shot of apple cider vinegar, or popping a piece of gum are also healthy ways to curb that urge for more). Whatever food challenges you have, you have the ability to change them! Personally, my weaknesses are snacking on nuts, and red wine. Every year I take January and some other month entirely off from drinking any alcohol, and this year I'm choosing to challenge myself to No Nuts November (I really do love alliteration) - I look forward to the challenge of these months and the power I have when they end to add these things back into my life in a way I find healthy and balanced. Identify the weakness, and do something about it!

Onto movement. Movement doesn't have to be a strenuous hour at the gym every day or some 10 mile run. Just get up and move several times a day; have a dance party with your kids to an old favorite song; take the dog for a walk around the neighborhood; perform circuits of air squats and sit ups during commercial breaks; take advantage of a current habit (ie. fixing a pot of coffee) and stretch out while you wait. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, so get that body in motion and see what else you are motivated to do once you are up and at 'em!

Now, sleep can be a struggle, especially for parents. Once the kids get to bed, it's that constant battle of "do I stay up to get more done/have time with my spouse/do something for me, or do I get to bed early to catch up on sleep". Don't get me wrong, "me-time" is very important for your sanity and those around you, however, so is sleep. More times than not, you're going to feel better about turning in early than staying up late to finish that binge-worthy series. And, if you're getting more sleep, you'll feel more rested for those before work gym sessions or to get those kids up, fed, and packed for school. We do all things better with good rest, so here's that domino effect coming into play; you'll have the energy to cook a healthy meal instead of reaching for what's quickest, you'll feel motivated - and have less excuse not to - get moving in some way, and, having used your extra energy to do these things, you'll sleep well again that night. Boom, full circle.

As far as decluttering, we all know how good that can feel. But, we also know how many rooms, drawers, folders, or cabinets need to be decluttered. Don't overwhelm yourself by thinking of every little thing that could be organized better; take it one thing at a time. I like to keep a list in the Notes section of my phone of things I'd like to get done, but may not always have the time for. This way, when a client cancels last minute, I'm home with a sick kiddo, or my girls ask if there's an extra chore they can do to earn tickets, I have a list to turn to. Also, be realistic about things you are keeping; haven't used or worn it in over a year? Toss it. Or, at the very least, give it away to someone you know will use it - that way, if you ever really needed this thing again, you'd have access. You can also find ways to cut down on clutter by creating photo albums of things you want the memory of, but may not be able to keep. I do this with my girls' school crafts and projects; they keep their favorite picks from the school year, and I snap a photo of the rest to put into a memory album. This way, they don't have an endless amount of awkwardly folded construction paper projects crammed into a storage folder that they really won't care much about when they're 18 and their parents try and give it all to them (sorry, mom and dad, just sayin'). Start small, keep a list, and tackle it one project at a time.

As I've quoted a million times before, "the best way to create a new habit is to tie it to an existing one". Take a look at your daily routine, and see what (good) habits are already in place that you'd be able to expand on in order to improve any one of these four foundation habits. You may surprise yourself at just what an impact a subtle change can have on your daily life, and just how much power you have to create a healthier lifestyle with such minor changes.

Intermittent Fasting: An Update

"You only eat for 8 hours of the day!?" - This is a question we get asked quite often, my husband and I, when we tell people about how we use Intermittent Fasting as a daily part of our healthy lifestyle. We likely bore our friends and family to death with how much we encourage other's to try it for themselves, but that's because we are both so happy with the results it has given us and the self control it has taught us. It's made a world of difference in our ability to maintain or lose weight, allowing us food freedom, enhancing our energy during intense work out sessions, and, above all, has given us something to share together on a daily basis: whether we're whining to each other when the before-noon-hunger kicks in, or keeping each other in check when the 8-o'clock-cut-off rolls around, we're in it together. But, since I can only speak for myself, I'll share some of the reasons Intermittent Fasting has been such a wonderful thing in my health journey.

If you've read previous blogs of mine, I'm no stranger to food "issues". I've experienced it all; barely eating, binge eating, being wildly restrictive, being care-free then guilt ridden, calorie counting to cutting carbs, every diet fad out there from Paleo to the more medically suggested FODMAP - there was one common thing with any and everything I tried: nothing lasted. I felt deprived, my gut was always a mess, my - ahem - monthy friend was all out of whack, and my moods were all over the place. Intermittent Fasting has freed me from all of this. Here's why:

My only restriction now is time: I wait until at least noontime to eat. Those first few weeks of adjustment were tough, but once my body was used to my new eating schedule, things became "normal" and my hunger wouldn't show up until close to noon. This was also a much needed lesson that it's okay to feel a little hungry, rather than reaching for a snack at the first little tummy-rumble. In fact, this short window where hunger lets itself be known is nearly a reward in and of itself; I know I feel this way because I am being successful in my commitment to fasting, and it gives me time to really evaluate what I'd like to eat to break the fast. What am I in the mood for? Is is the day before a long run where I need to amp up the carbs, or am I recovering from a hard work out and would benefit from something higher in protein? By the time I feel hungry, tune into what my body's needing, and make myself a nourishing meal, it's noontime and I am more appreciative for food than ever. And the best part? Once your 8 hour window begins, you can eat however much you want. Now, with that said, if you choose to binge on candy and fast food in your 8 hours, you're not going to experience the good-feels of the added energy, healthier digestion, and better functioning metabolism, but both my husband and I made it through the holidays enjoying our pies and beverages all while maintaining/losing weight. Plus, our bodies appreciate routine when it comes to eating, so eating at the same time every day is how it aids digestion and boosts your metabolism - a big part of why this form of fasting can be successful in weight loss.

Intermittent Fasting has played a major role in my exercise. Previously, I used food and exercise to piggy back off of one another: I'd overeat knowing I could run it off the next day, or I would exercise excessively in order to "prepare" for an indulgent night out. This was an endless cycle that always left me feeling guilty. I'd be out there running on a beautiful day, but my mind was only thinking about those extra spoonfuls of peanut butter. Or, I'd be treating myself to a delicious dessert, only to be mentally calculating the calories I'd need to burn the following morning. None of this was enjoyable. I was taking the pure experience of food and exercise away from myself and replacing it with numbers, calories, and bad energy - energy that would then spread into the lives of my family, who definitely did not get the best of me at times. When you feel bad about the choices you make, you harvest that guilt and have little control over when it presents itself. I felt like I was always chasing after that next long run or that next indulgence, and never allowed myself to be present, let alone enjoy whatever it was I was doing. Fasting has given me that power back. Since I have to wait to eat, I appreciate my food all the more. And, since I know I stopped eating at 8:00 the night before instead of getting sucked into a binge eating snack fest, I don't feel the need to over exercise, which leads me to the next piece of freedom Intermittent Fasting has given me: guilt free rest days.

This may sound ridiculous, but after chatting with several friends and athletic clients alike, I'm not alone: rest days are tough. I feel antsy, I'm ravenously hungry to make up from my non-resting days, I am more careful with my food and drink intake knowing I wouldn't be burning anything extra that day, and those feelings bring around a Lauren that no one wants to be around. Before fasting, I would snack well into bedtime. The cycle went something like this: I'm hungry after dinner so I make a little snack, but that snack wasn't satisfying so I make a little more, and now even though I may be getting full, I'm simply enjoying eating, so then I play a mental game with myself that justifies any extra eating I do as long as I add on miles to my run the next morning, which notoriously lead to a 3rd bowl of cereal or several handfuls of nuts, seeds, chips - you name it. I would let myself get out of control by controlling my exercise. And, as you may have guessed, it never left me feeling good. I'd go to bed so full I could burst, and my run the next morning was groggy and anger-filled. No good, people. And, because this happened often, rest days did not. Fasting broke that cycle, and the negativity that came along with it. As long as I eat within my 8 hour window, I don't feel guilty about dessert after dinner or an after dinner snack. I no longer go to bed feeling full, but satisfied. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is no longer "ugh, what/how much did I eat last night" and because of that, rest days are tolerable. If I'm sore, extra tired or have a busy day of work ahead of me, I no longer have to think of my exercise in terms of food - I go ahead and take the day off, guilt free. Lucky for me this is a self-rewarding discovery, because after incorporating more regular rest days into my routine, I am suffering from less injuries and performing at my best. Another thanks to fasting since it puts you into your fat burning zone much faster, which is your body's best fuel and energy source.

Of course, there is no such thing as perfect. We have our days where we are out on dates and eat past our "eating time" because it would be pretty lame to not eat the dessert we ordered just because it arrived past 8 o'clock. Or, the day before or after a long run I typically skip fasting to make sure I'm getting in enough calories to fuel/recover. And of course there are family gatherings and holidays where we may eat a little early or a little late, and we let those days go. But I would say that in our time spent fasting, we stick to it strictly about 90% of the time. The best part is that we do so because we really want to, not because we feel we have to.

We have been consistent with Intermittent Fasting for nearly 8 months now. When I first began, I never expected it to be something I did permanently - I just figured I'd give yet another food thing a try, and eventually end up back in my over-eating over-exercising habits. This experience has been truly eye opening. It's totally my "ah-ha" moment, where I think to myself "this is what people mean when they say 'it's a life style, not a diet'". Now I get it. Better yet, now I feel it.  That -ahem- monthly visitor that used to be more like a yearly visitor now pops in on a regular basis, my moods feel more stabilized with consistent eating and exercise habits, my work outs have felt incredible, and I feel that for the first time since I can remember, I have a healthy relationship with food. That, above all, is why I will continue to make this my lifestyle. I enjoy the daily challenge of waiting to eat, I love the ability to tune into my body's needs, I appreciate the fact that, other than time, there are no "rules" to follow or food groups to eliminate, and I really enjoy sharing this experience with my husband.

I Have This Problem

"Don't take it personally" - it's a phrase that gets thrown around when someone tends to overreact to something that someone else has done. And, it's right up there on the middle-finger scale along with "so what?", "who cares?", and the Frozen-famous "let it go". When we hear these things after reacting to a situation, they can be easily interpreted as hurtful, all while you're waving your arms in temper tantrum form yelling "hello!? I care! I am personally offended and screw you for not caring!"

It's a shitty feeling. You are left feeling offended, unheard, and still pissed off about whatever caused your initial reaction, all while everyone else looks on wondering why the hell you're so worked up.

Well, let me tell you a little story (or two) about how I was able to identify my problem; that problem, as you likely guessed, was taking everything personally.

Let's start with freaking phones. Backstory: my mother way always on the phone when I was growing up. Her phone calls rolled from one to another, from friend to sibling to client. At home, in the car, at the mall, I felt like it was one big waiting game for her to end the call and pay me some attention. Now as an adult with my own family, I make a serious attempt to lose my phone when I'm home with my daughters or spending time with my husband. This makes me feel good. I'm somehow healing that inner child who craved attention by being able to give that to my own kiddos. What I do have a hard time with, however, is when someone else is on their phone. I never knew why this bothered me so much, but I could literally feel my blood boiling if my husband wanted to browse Facebook while we were all sitting around, or if a friend whips out their phone during a dinner party to check in with social media. That little Lauren inside was throwing a temper tantrum screaming "pay attention to me! put your goddamn phone away!" And then there was adult Lauren on the outside, who bit her tongue, let her blood boil and cool back down, and move on unaware of why these feelings were occurring.

I can tell you why: I took it personally. Every time my husband took out his phone, I interpreted it as one big F.U. While he's thinking nothing of it, I'm mentally creating a dialog for him that sounds something like this "you're not important enough for me to pay attention to you so I'm going to be on  my phone instead". Now, I'm upset. I'm fighting to not say anything to avoid an argument. Who wants to be the nagging wife who tells her husband when he can or can't be on his phone? He's a grown man. But I'm over here with all the needs of all the attention like a toddler. Me, me, me! So, like your cliche therapy kid with mommy-issues, my childhood comes bubbling up, and cascades into my marriage without my permission. My burst of anger about his phone use comes out of left field in his eyes. Now we're both upset and there's no real understanding on either part; he doesn't see a big deal with a few minutes of phone browsing, and I'm feeling emotionally hurt by it.

It took the recognition and ownership of taking it personally for me to pump the brakes and view this in a new light. Sure, I can blame childhood neglect, but blame doesn't solve anything - taking responsibility does. It can be my mother's fault that I feel this way, but it's my responsibility to claim ownership of my feelings and reactions. It's easy to sit back and point the finger. I could cross my arms, say that this is the way I am because it's ingrained in my upbringing and I'll forever be sensitive about this subject so screw you, you, and you. Or, I can recognize that this is a daily, shitty problem, and that I have the power to address it. And, addressing it is anything but easy. It's uncomfortable, it's messy, it's raw and honest, it's painful...but, it's also empowering, liberating, freeing, and opens communication, ground for growth and understanding. My husband and friends now recognize why this is such a sensitive thing for me, and I can remove myself from their phone equation; it has nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Taking things personally messes everything up. Realizing where my phone-sensitivity came from opened many more doors where I could apply anger, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy right back to the source of taking things personally. Just because some family members are gifted with free kid care doesn't change the fact that my husband and I barely see each other in order to avoid constant baby sitters - but I chose to be angry about it by taking it personally. Just because some friends have their kids involved in endless activities doesn't make me a bad mom for limiting our daughters to gymnastics, but I chose to feel inadequate because I took it personally. I've been able to pin-point so many negative emotions towards other people and situations that all come back to, you guessed it, taking shit personally.

In my life through dozens of situations, I've had people tell me to forget about it, to move on, to not let it bother me - and it wasn't until I woke up to the damage I was doing myself that I could truly appreciate what they were telling me. It's not that I was wrong for being upset, or that my feelings were invalid; it's that I was creating my own inflated problems by projecting childhood fears, wants, and needs into these situations in my adult life. Identifying where this inner pain was coming from loosened the grip on my reactions. I can now let people "do them" while I "do me" and be at ease with it.

So, with that, I encourage you to dig deep. Ask yourself why you're so upset with this person or that situation. I bet somewhere in there, if you go deep enough, you'll find some aspect where you feel offended because you're taking it personally. Don't take it personally. So what. Who cares. Let it go.

2017 Lessons

2017 taught me a lot about suffering. Suffering is a necessary component of human existence in order to create a life of happiness. The same way "you can't get something for nothing", you can't know real happiness until you discover just how much you are willing to suffer for it, how much pain you will endure for it, and how hard you are willing to work for it. Because, as Mark Manson says in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,  "who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for", and 2017 has taught me just that.

First and foremost, my marriage. It's easy to get lost in the waves of daily life; the endless sea of work schedules, house work, children's activities, exercise routines, and friendship balancing. If you don't physically chisel out time in those chaotic schedules to prioritize each other, it's easy to leave one another behind. It's even easier to resent the downward spiral as you watch the space between you grow further and further. And, instead of exposing your feelings and solving the problem, your anger, fears, and emotions keep you from taking action and suddenly you wonder where you stand. All of the "what if'" and "what else" questions come into play, and instead of taking the time to open up, problem solve, put in the work, and move forward, you shut down, you check out, and everyone loses. 2017 taught me that this never has to be an option; that any suffering, any struggle or pain in your marriage is worth the fight, worth those uncomfortable emotional conversations, worth risking it all to be so raw and open and honest that it's like you're meeting each other for the first time all over again - only new and improved and with so much more love and compassion. I thank 2017 for all the tears that have lead us to so many more laughs. 

And then, there's alcohol. I have struggled for years with my feelings about drinking, because it's something I truly enjoy - however, I come from a family that struggles with the addiction of alcohol, and this history has put a certain amount of stress and anxiety into every glass of wine I pour. I was constantly comparing myself to others, whether it was friends who have a drink or two nightly, or those who only drink on weekends. I tried just having wine with dinner, and then having none at all. It wasn't until I was able to stop fighting against who I wanted to be or thought I should be when it came to drinking, that I could accept certain things about myself that loosened that grip of anxiety associated with it. First, I enjoy having a few drinks when I do decide to drink. I enjoy that warm, relaxed, silliness you get on that 2nd glass of wine. What I didn't like was the guilt I created with it. I wasn't drinking simply because I liked the taste - like my husband does with his fancy IPA's - and I questioned whether or not this was family history repeating itself. Every sip I took of that 2nd or sometimes 3rd glass of wine, I debating pouring right back into the bottle or down the drain. I took away that relaxed enjoyment because I was encasing that moment in a bubble of stress. Holding myself to certain "drinking days" didn't help, because there are plenty of Wednesday's where a glass of wine sounded divine, and plenty of Saturday's where I wasn't in the mood. So, I decided to remove the restrictions by adding some guidelines; I only drink 1-2 days a week when I am in social settings or sharing a night with my husband, I never drink when I'm out with my kids (which has resulted in a few sober New Year's Eve parties - a challenge I gladly accepted), and I only ever drink if it's coming from a place of enjoyment - not stress, anger, or any negative associations. I also like to check in with myself here and there and give myself weeks off, partially because I know it's good for my body and partially to check in with the addiction side of my genes. It's a balance I have found by checking in again and again with myself, being aware of my own habits, and using that sense of awareness to move forward with a struggle that has had great power over me. 

And, of course, there's always the food. The food struggle is always very real for me, as it has been since my teenage years. Since the birth of our 2nd daughter over 5 years ago, I have gone through every elimination diet there is to offer, and been strict enough with my eating habits to bring my own food to family gatherings and even my cousin's wedding (where I was in the wedding party, eating my organic sweet potato and chicken out of the Tupperware I made my mother carry around with her). I thought this was making me feel good; that I was meal prepping and honoring my body by being this extreme with my food choices, when really I was adding more anxiety not only to my life but to those who had to have me as a guest. Family members never knew what to cook for me and took offense when I brown-bagged it. My kids were always thoroughly disappointed when I wouldn't taste their dessert of choice when going out to eat. And my husband and I were never the type to share meals because I couldn't have an exact breakdown of the ingredients in what he ordered. This "healthy" lifestyle became less about health and more about control. What I learned was that by controlling every little morsel that touched my lips, I was missing out on amazing opportunities. I was missing moments, missing the ability to create memories, I was missing out on the enjoyment. I wasn't a part of the family dinner despite being at the same table. I couldn't talk about how my taste buds exploded when I tried someone's famous meal, and I was certainly not the one you asked to go out for dessert with because I probably wouldn't order any - and would refuse the bite you'd offer me, too. So, 2017 taught me to cut the shit and eat the cake. I can eat healthy all I want on a day-to-day basis, so some lasagna at a party won't kill me. I gladly taste my kids treats now simply to share their sugary enjoyment - and to teach them that the best things in life really are shared. As a result, holidays and social gatherings are much more enjoyable - for me and everyone around me. I am thankful for experiencing these food struggles so that I can move forward with enjoyment and ease in 2018.  

So those are my big ones. My 3 biggest struggles of 2017 that tore me up enough to create enormous change. I can have the happy marriage I choose, I can have those extra glasses of wine without anxiety, and I can eat in a healthful manner without being a total control freak. I had to learn a lot about myself in order to get here, because without knowing my own needs, my own abilities, and my own habits, none of these changes would have been possible. The struggle never ends, and to quote Mark Manson yet again, "happiness comes from solving problems...to be happy we need something to solve. Happiness is therefore a form of action...problems never stop; they merely get exchanged and/or upgraded". I look forward to the problems 2018 gives me to solve.