Rigidity

 Rigidity. This word has been heavy on my mind recently..

It causes anxiety; not only for yourself, but for those around you. It causes you to stay stuck in your ways and avoid growth. It causes you to point the finger at others instead of looking inward. 

It’s easy to be rigid, especially when you firmly believe your reasoning behind it. A big one for me was food. I used to be so rigid about eating clean. I became obsessed with reading labels, cutting out food groups, labeling foods as “good” or “bad”. I stayed so stuck in this because I firmly believed that treating my body like a temple was the healthiest thing I could do. But if I’m being honest, all it really did was cause me to be a major pain in the ass. Going out for dinner was anything but simple, friends and family fretted having me over because they didn’t know what to serve. My kids would call me from sleepovers asking permission to eat “junk” foods, and I basically gave myself a heart attack anytime I heard they had access to fast food. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, keeping myself and my kiddos healthy. But what I really did was create a world of anxiety for myself, my kids, my husband and my circle. 

I believe when you are too rigid, you are also controlling. You try to control everything and everyone around you to share your same feelings and beliefs. Spoiler alert: this is no good. My husband is a wonderful man, but he is also a Portuguese man who can have a hot temper. I remember in the early years of our marriage, I’d see him get overly frustrated at a situation or task, and escalate the situation by getting myself upset at the fact that he can’t calm down quickly, or let it go the way I would. The rigidity of my own beliefs in how he should handle a situation didn’t allow a safe space for him to simply be upset. 

It was easy to point the finger. Anyone who didn’t eat clean were the wrong ones (your body is the only place you have to live!). Anyone who offered my kids Burger King didn’t care about their health (do they even KNOW what’s in that food!?). My husband was automatically in the wrong because my patience trumped his reaction (you’re a grown up, control yourself!). But all that finger pointing did was make everything worse. My anxiety had a ripple effect that touched everyone around me. 

The solution to rigidity is flexibility. In an impossibly perfect world, things would just go our way. But that’s not real life, not realistic, and thinking otherwise sets us up for failure. The more flexible we can be, the more at ease our lives can be. But the hard truth is that we only have control of our own flexibility. The good news is, the more flexible we become, the more at ease people feel around us. And sometimes, the things we wished to control, naturally fall into place when you are less rigid because it creates a safe space for people to just be. 

So instead of looking at what I could control based on my own rigid beliefs, I looked at the role I played in my own suffering - and how it affected those around me. I still enjoy eating healthy (if my kids had a dollar for every time I asked them what they had for protein, they would be financially set for life) - but I’m much more flexible. And the result of that flexibility is a more comfortable family; whether it be a dinner party, a sleepover, a road trip meal - I’ve let go of judgement and let my kids be kids. 

And with my husband, I realized that the only reaction I can control is my own. So if he’s working on a house project that isn’t going as planned, I’ve learned to ask how I can help instead of reacting to his reaction. Sometimes that help is giving him space. Sometimes that help is getting dinner ready for when he’s done. Sometimes it’s bringing him a cold beer. But the less I react, the sooner he calms down on his own. My rigid thoughts on how he should think and act only hurt the situation. 

Rigidity keeps us stuck. Flexibility creates peace. It makes space. It allows growth. The examples above are just a couple ways I swapped rigidity for flexibility, and sometimes that can feel like you’re the only one doing the work. But you’ve got to let that go, because doing work to feel better and watch how that positively affects those around you makes the work worth it. 

Don’t stay stuck. 

New Year, New Back

 2025 was the year of the back. 

And trust me, I’m just as tired of talking about it as my friends and family must be of hearing about it. So here’s to getting it all out one last time, and leaving pain in the past. 

For over 10 years, I struggled with back pain. I suffered a lifting injury that left 3 discs herniated, and one with a slight fracture. And even though those injuries healed over time with the help of consistent chiropractic care and strengthening exercises, the flare ups and pains were endless. When I say I tried it all, I mean it; 7 chiropractors, decompression, laser & shock wave treatments, sports massage, dry needling, physical therapy, an my last resort: injections. It was this last year that put me over the edge when it began affecting my job, my ability to attend my kiddo’s volleyball games, intimacy, travel…you name it. “Bad back days” became part of my routine, and a disappointment to my family. 

Surgery is always a last resort, and a tough decision - especially when you don’t have everyone’s support in your choice. But I felt I had no choice; my quality of life was lessening at an increasing rate. Even a sneeze could send me to the couch for the day. But, when your care team who also does all they can to avoid surgery tells you it’s time, it’s time. 

I was absolutely horrified and angry when I found out my surgical option was a fusion. That was the last procedure I wanted so young, and the one I was told to avoid the most. But, due to my degenerative disc disease and the state of the disc causing these pains, it was the best and really, only option. 

So I moved forward. Knowing that it’s a long recovery. Knowing it would get worse before it got better. Knowing how much my family would have to step up for my recovery. And, knowing my running days would be over. 

I was a runner for 30 years. I ran everything from 5k’s to 50 miles. It was a sport that brought me so much, from some of my best friends, to mental release, to a shared family bond. It was hard to give up. But also a decision I knew I had to make if I wanted to prolong future surgeries and experience a life without back pain. So, the day before my surgery, I hopped on the treadmill for one final mile. I relished in how natural the movement was, and cried knowing that three decades of miles was wrapped up in this final one. My running shoes officially retired. 

Surgery day arrived and let me tell you, I almost turned on my heels and walked right back out that door. The nerves and anxiety were real. I had nightmares for days leading up to the procedure, varying from being paralyzed to dying. I wrote my kids and husband “just incase” letters, jotted down will-wishes, and made it 10x’s worse for myself in my head. Not for nothing, I was warned that this was major surgery with risks - especially the nature of the operation, where they go in through the abdomen and do all the fixtures on the front portion of my spine. Funny how after having two babies naturally, I somehow still ended up with a c-section. And let me tell you, c-section mama’s deserve a damn award. After the pain I was in, primarily from my incision, I could not fathom having to carry, feed, and change a newborn on top of it. Hats off to you, mama’s. Really. 

Those first few days of pain were unreal. Pain from the front straight to the back. Getting up and down was a small piece of hell. Narcotics left me with no appetite and more unwanted weight loss. I definitely had a few “what have I done!?” moments for sure. 

And then, just over a week post-op, the pains diminished. I was able to increase my walks, get off the couch and out of bed with no assistance, and begin to think I made the right choice. 

There’s a long road ahead, a lot to sacrifice, a lot of changes to make moving forward. But here’s to leaving back pain in 2025. Here’s to 2026 being the year I won’t have to think about chairs at restaurants, worry about hotel beds, wear a back brace to work, or put a damper on family plans. Here’s to hoping I’m someone that says “this was so worth it, I wish I did it years ago”. Here’s to discovering new ways to exercise, and remembering all I accomplished in my running days. 

My friends and family have been nothing short of incredible. From traveling, visiting, cooking, keeping me company, driving me to appointments - they’ve made this all so much easier. 

And to my husband, who, poor guy, thought I died in the OR after hearing a Code Blue for my surgical wing - thank you for stepping up in all the ways you are needed. He also has a wife who used to run marathons who can’t anymore, so send this man some beer and whiskey. 🥃 

I wish this was something we were aware of sooner, so I could have stopped running and decreased my need for surgery, but we can’t move backwards. Now, I’m just excited to get my life back after what will be a very long 2 months of nothing but walking and rest. 

So back pain, I send you off kindly with a middle finger 🖕 

Cheers to 2026 🥂 

Self Love With Food

 I love talking about food struggles.

That may sound odd, but I believe more of us struggle with our relationship with food than we may let on.

For years my eating habits fell into this same cycle: feeling "good" when I under ate, feeling guilty when I ate "bad" foods or "too much", or a binge followed by severe restriction along with over exercising to "make up" for it. Any of this sound familiar? 

I've done it all from intermittent fasting, to paleo, to FODMAP, to juice cleanses...you name it. I always justified whatever season of disordered eating I was in by telling myself I was healthy, and making the best choice for my body. (Your body is a temple, blah blah blah). 

The reality is, the more strict I was with my diet, the more unhappy I became. Every fleeting thought was about food; what did I eat the night before? What will I have for breakfast based on that? I can look back at photos of me at events or parties and know exactly where my mind was with food. "Oh, this was the day I binged on candy and ran a Spartan Race the following day." "This was the wedding where I brought my own dinner of sweet potatoes and chicken." "This was the night I skipped dinner because I couldn't stop eating snacks." Food is something that is meant to nourish us, give us energy, refuel us...and here I was using it as a control tool. And before I knew it, I was the one being controlled. 

In hopes of helping others who are struggling with their relationship with food or any form of disordered eating, let me tell you how some popular "diet culture" fads failed me. 

Intermittent Fasting. There are multiple ways to fast, but the one I followed allowed me (how sad) to eat for 8 hours of the day, and fast for the remaining 16. So basically, I would stop eating by 8pm, skip breakfast, and have my first meal of the day at 12. Before I move forward I would like to recognize that there are some very real health benefits to fasting at times; for example, it completely regulated my menstrual cycle. But that's enough of that, here's the downside: 

- it caused me to ignore my body's natural hunger cues

- it gave me an excuse to eat however much I wanted in my "eating window" which often lead to me feeling uncomfortably full 

- I missed out Sunday morning cozy breakfasts

- I had to keep myself busy to distract myself from morning hunger

Calorie Counting. This was probably the most detrimental thing I did for my "health". I used an app where you entered all your information (height, weight, activity levels, goals) and the app would allot you so many calories to hit per day, along with grams of fat, carbs, proteins, etc. Even if you went over your amount by one calorie, the tracker would turn bold, bright red, and display failure with a big fat -1. We're talking about a single calorie here, but it effected my mental health so poorly that I would dub the day as failed, and binge eat whatever I wanted to because I already "messed up". This always lead to:

- over exercising the next day fueled by guilt

- restricting food until I "made up" for the extra calories I ate the previous day 

- feeling badly about myself and projecting those feelings onto my husband and daughters

- not sharing food because I already logged every bite

- not partaking in family ice cream nights because I "ran out" of calories

- hating my body for the ebbs and flows of bloating 

Diets. Of course, this doesn't include people who have real medical issues like celiac disease or true food allergies. For me, it started after the birth of our second daughter who turned out to have some real allergies herself. Since I was nursing, a new food was cut from my diet at each doctors appointment until I was almost fully Paleo (no breads, dairy, legumes, refined sugars, trans fats). After a year of nursing and sticking to this diet, my body had a hard time introducing the non-paleo-approved foods back into my diet. Instead of doing it correctly and slowly incorporating these back in, I took it as a self diagnosed food allergy and ran with it. Food labels became my obsession. I needed to eat as clean as possible. This failed me for many reasons:

- I made myself a different meal than my family each night

- I brought my own foods to holidays, dinners, even weddings

- I labeled foods as good and bad

- anxiety flooded me with every restaurant invitation 

- my daughters growing up hearing me say things like "I can't eat that, I won't eat that".

All of this was such a silent struggle for me. People assumed that because I'm naturally thin, a runner, and an upbeat, positive person that I was healthy. But, going through all these food-fads was the most unhappy I had been and one of my biggest inner struggles. I hated how I felt, I was sick and freaking tired of almonds and sweet potatoes, I was deprived from the true joy of food: a table surrounded my family at holidays, a beautifully cooked meal by a dear friend, comfort food from your mama. I made everyone around me anxious and uncomfortable because they never knew what to cook or where to take me. I unassumingly made my girls question all the foods they ate; they used to call me from sleepovers and ask my permission to eat certain snacks or desserts, and looking back, that just breaks my heart. My intentions were always to be as healthy as I could be (and man, once you go down the rabbit hole of label-reading and paleo research, you feel terrible for "poisoning" your body with processed foods) - but where these diet culture fads left me was with a body I hated and disordered eating. 

Change had to happen. So, I made the decision to love all foods again.

Yes, I still enjoy eating healthy because I know I'll feel better. But now, healthy to me is focus on mostly organic foods and nothing about calories, fats, carbs, or timing. But with that comes flexibility. I will no longer turn down food at someone's house or a restaurant simply because it's not organic. If I want a bowl of ice cream after dinner, I have it. If I want leftover pizza for breakfast, I go for it. I'm not saying this was an easy change, but there is no freedom like craving a food and allowing yourself to have it, or ordering what looks best on the menu and not what's lowest in calories or healthiest. Whether I'm hungry at 6am or 10am, I eat. I listen to my body's hunger cues and pay attention to what I'm in the mood for. I make sure I eat enough food to keep me satisfied for hours - but if I find myself hungry before the next meal, I eat. 

I didn't gain a gaggle of weight. In fact, I lost weight (not my intention). But I truly believe that once I healed my relationship with food, the amount of stress that left my body gave my metabolism a healthy boost. I love tasting desserts my girls order where I'd previously refuse. I love going to bed with zero guilt. I love waking up without a thought of my food intake from the night before. I love opening the fridge and asking myself exactly what I'm in the mood for. I love feeling relaxed at social gatherings and big events. I love exercising based on how I feel and not being fueled by food-guilt. I can't believe how much more space there is in this brain of mine when the clutter of food obsession moved out. 

Food freedom is possible. Let go of the fears, whatever they may be, and lean into the possibilities. 

It's worth it. 

Disordered Eating - Signs You Are Healing

 My disordered eating has been a decade long journey. From being overly restrictive to binges, excessive exercise to calorie counting, it has been a long road to healing. I took a leap of faith when we moved south and said "fuck it" to the hold food and exercise had on me. Now, nearly three years later, I am noticing so many ways I have healed, and figured it was worth a share so that anyone out there who is still struggling can know there is an end to the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. 

Here are some things I have noticed:

I no longer start my day thinking about the things I ate the day before. 

I no longer end my days with guilt, or plans of a healthier tomorrow. 

The clock doesn't determine when I am "allowed" to eat - hunger cues do.

Rest days don't revolve around the previous days food choices.

Work out success isn't measured by calories burned.

I order whatever the hell sounds good on the menu when eating out, whether the calories are listed or not.

I don't bring my own foods to cookouts, and enjoy whatever is served. 

I exercise to appreciate my body, instead of punish it. 

I pause to think about the foods I am in the mood for, rather than eating what I "should". 

I can recognize water weight after an indulgent night and know it's proof of enjoyment.

I respect my body's cravings even if they are considered less healthy. 

I've also noticed:

More self love. Less anxiety. The fact that my body actually does better with less strenuous work outs and more foods. That the scale doesn't mean shit. That your body image is less important than eating the cake at the party. That you're a dick if you bring your own meal to a wedding. That at the end of the day, enjoying foods and movements you love balanced with the healthy shit is all that matters. 

Food and exercise shouldn't consume your thoughts. 

Having quiet coffee in the morning with a book - without the chatter of "I ate too much. That was bad. I am bad. I'm going to run 10 miles" - is the most freedom I have felt within myself. My day flows with nothing but good energy; good sounding foods, good sounding movement. Being obsessively healthy is still being obsessive. This life is for enjoying, living. I hope anyone who feels prisoner to food and exercise can break free; it's pretty freaking amazing.

Consistency

"Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with"

Several people suggested I blog about my fitness routine and meal plans, and here's the thing: it won't help you. We are not the same. We don't have the same body types, digestive needs, sleep habits, work schedule, motivation - you name it. That quote up there, though? That quote is everything you need to know about how you can make fitness and healthy food work in your life. I will, however, give you examples of how I found what works for me, and maybe realizing there's more than one way to do something or be healthy may help. 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I love to work out and eat healthy, but I also love chocolate, red wine, burgers and pizza. Consistency and flexibility go hand in hand for me. When I am rigid about exercise and food, I feel anxious, I am aware of calories, I label foods and good or bad (which translates to me being good or bad); I work out to burn calories versus to feel good, and everything feels like a vicious cycle. The more flexible I became with food and exercise, the more I was able to be consistent with it simply because I felt good. 

Think about the time you have in a day. Some of you have full time jobs, are single parents, take care of sick relatives, and are drained by the time you hit the sheets. Working out 5 days a week for hours at a time may not be your cup of tea. What you do to move and nourish your body has to fit into your schedule, otherwise it'll just cause you more stress. What's doable? Are you able to get to bed early and get that work out in early before work? Are you a night owl who can tackle a few living room air squats before bed? Do you have a lunch break where you could walk or skip out to the gym? It won't always be convenient, but if you enjoy what you spend that time doing, it can become a solid habit. Which leads me to...

...Do what's best for you. I hated yoga when I had to hold Chair and Warrior positions for extended periods of time. It wasn't until I discovered movement based yoga (think dynamic stretching) that I truly made it a consistent part of my day. I hated weight lifting until I discovered how great my body felt doing lighter, higher rep movements instead of intimidatingly heavy PR stuff. I hated walking because I didn't get "that burn" you do from running, until I decided to drop that thought process and simply enjoy the fresh air and movement. (Not to mention getting absolutely schooled when walking with a neighbor who is speedy and waking up more sore than a work out!) Plain and simple, if you don't enjoy what you're doing, you won't do it. No matter how good it is for you, how much weight you lose or muscle you gain - you have to be excited about it. Period. That includes being flexible with your body daily; I can plan for a leg day, do one back squat and think NOPE - arm day it is. Rigidity sets you up for failure. Flexibility is key. 

Food is tricky. Some people have legitimate allergies or digestive issues, some people like to eat clean while others don't give a shit. Some people do better with more fats and proteins, others do better with higher carbs. According to the Blood Type Diet, my O- self thrives on red meat, carbs, and red wine. (Score!) - And I do notice that when I eat a higher red meat and higher carb diet, I digest better, I feel more energized in my work outs, and I snack less because I am satisfied and full. This doesn't mean I stick to this whatsoever, because I also love my high fat stuff like avocados, nuts, oils, and cheeses. This also doesn't mean I want you to stick to any kind of diet (I truly hate them) - but it's interesting to see what your body type needs and thrives on. My husband's blood type basically told him to be a vegetarian and never drink beer, so, yeah. No. Just eat what feels right for your body at the times you are hungry. There are no rules that you have to go so many hours between meals or snacks, there are no rules that say you need a protein shake after work outs or no carbs after 8pm. The best way to eat is to notice when you are hungry, and feel out what you're craving. Remember, no "good" and "bad" foods - just "less healthy" ones. And, if you find yourself craving one of those, eat it. Our bodies crave things for a reason based on stress levels, exercise levels, hormone levels. All we have to do is listen. 

Meal prep. I know a lot of people who do this, and I think it's great. It's easy to eat well when you have prepared foods that are quick to heat up or take on the go. Personally I don't do it, but again, my schedule allows me to have the time to shop and cook as I need. I focus on getting in protein at (almost) every meal, at least a veggie a day, and lots of water. From there, it's a free-for-all. Snacks are whatever I'm in the mood for or have in the pantry, dessert is if I'm in the mood for it, alcohol accompanies a good meal or company, carbs are awesome. Create meals that will fuel you, satisfy you, and that simply work for you.

So again, I will share that quote: "Wellness is whatever you can do and be consistent with". If it doesn't fit into your schedule, if you are forcing it, if you down right hate it, find another way. It's whatever you CAN DO - and the ability to do it creates CONSISTENCY and boom: you've created your wellness routine. 

Growth and Shit

 

Today, I bailed on my planned afternoon leg-day lifting-session, and took the little human and pups to get ice cream instead. No big deal, right? Two years ago, I couldn't have said yes. I would have felt guilty for taking two rest days in a row, would have planned a bird-food dinner and strenuous morning work out. I wouldn't have enjoyed this ice cream time with my daughter and fur babies because my anxiety would have taken over, making me on edge, snappy, and short. 

When we got into the car, I realized that I wasn't second guessing this decision, and felt guilt free about it, so I snapped this photo as a little high-five to myself for becoming healthier and happier. Funny how different that can look for people; I hear more about people wanting to work out more and eat "junk" food less, so someone like me who used to over exercise and calculate every calorie that touched my lips went unnoticed as problematic to most everyone but me. I was told how diligent I was, how motivating, disciplined, and worst of all - skinny. 

**Unfortunately most Americans are looking to lose weight, and because of this they think calling someone thin, skinny, or lean is a compliment. Let me tell you, it's not. Especially when you've been working hard for years to put even the tiniest bit of muscle on, or have lost weight due to stress, or struggled with disordered eating. You don't know what unhealthy things you may be commenting on.**

So today was a win for me. A small moment where I got to see how okay I am after so many years of feeling anything but. Choosing to get ice cream felt like I was choosing my daughter, my dogs, and myself. I know that it felt way better than any hour garage lifting sesh I would have grinded through. I also know I've had many of these moments on my health journey over the last 2+ years, but being able to stop and see them just makes it all that much more worth it. And, if I wake up bloated from foods I don't normally eat, I'll rub my happy little belly and maybe take another rest day. 

Daily Wellness Tips

 Being "well" doesn't always mean salads and treadmills. Doing one small thing for your wellness each day can provide those feel good vibes, and cause a ripple effect for more.

1) Do something good for your body every day. Sure, this could mean a good work out or a healthy meal, but it could also mean a rest day with a good bubble bath, having your morning coffee in the sunshine, taking the time to stretch, using a sugar scrub in the shower, or carving out time for a few chapters of that book. 

2) Wear clothes that actually fit you. Even if your goal is to lose weight, stop squeezing into the clothes you want to fit into, or the number-size you think you should be. Buy the bigger number, and focus on how that number doesn't dig into your sides or belly and actually makes you feel comfortable. Your body will look better without being suffocated, and you'll feel better too.

3) Tune in. Really, really tune in; for everything from what foods you're in the mood for and what kind of movement your body needs, to whether or not you need time alone, time with your significant other, time with kids or friends or pets, time outdoors or time in a dark room with a good TV show. The more you listen, the more balanced your energy and mood will be. 

4) Stop comparing yourself to others. You can do the same work outs and eat the same foods as someone else, and you will STILL not look like them. We all have different builds, bone structures, metabolisms, genetics, and needs; the more you focus (and accept) yourself, the better you will feel for YOU, not for someone else. 

One good thing for your body and mind each day will add up, and get you on the path to really getting to know yourself and create your own goodness. Our wellness determines our mood, our energy, our flexibility and our capabilities. Be sure to put these things in your own hands, based on the needs of YOU. When you feel good, it doesn't feel like work, but a pleasure.