2017 Lessons

2017 taught me a lot about suffering. Suffering is a necessary component of human existence in order to create a life of happiness. The same way "you can't get something for nothing", you can't know real happiness until you discover just how much you are willing to suffer for it, how much pain you will endure for it, and how hard you are willing to work for it. Because, as Mark Manson says in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,  "who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for", and 2017 has taught me just that.

First and foremost, my marriage. It's easy to get lost in the waves of daily life; the endless sea of work schedules, house work, children's activities, exercise routines, and friendship balancing. If you don't physically chisel out time in those chaotic schedules to prioritize each other, it's easy to leave one another behind. It's even easier to resent the downward spiral as you watch the space between you grow further and further. And, instead of exposing your feelings and solving the problem, your anger, fears, and emotions keep you from taking action and suddenly you wonder where you stand. All of the "what if'" and "what else" questions come into play, and instead of taking the time to open up, problem solve, put in the work, and move forward, you shut down, you check out, and everyone loses. 2017 taught me that this never has to be an option; that any suffering, any struggle or pain in your marriage is worth the fight, worth those uncomfortable emotional conversations, worth risking it all to be so raw and open and honest that it's like you're meeting each other for the first time all over again - only new and improved and with so much more love and compassion. I thank 2017 for all the tears that have lead us to so many more laughs. 

And then, there's alcohol. I have struggled for years with my feelings about drinking, because it's something I truly enjoy - however, I come from a family that struggles with the addiction of alcohol, and this history has put a certain amount of stress and anxiety into every glass of wine I pour. I was constantly comparing myself to others, whether it was friends who have a drink or two nightly, or those who only drink on weekends. I tried just having wine with dinner, and then having none at all. It wasn't until I was able to stop fighting against who I wanted to be or thought I should be when it came to drinking, that I could accept certain things about myself that loosened that grip of anxiety associated with it. First, I enjoy having a few drinks when I do decide to drink. I enjoy that warm, relaxed, silliness you get on that 2nd glass of wine. What I didn't like was the guilt I created with it. I wasn't drinking simply because I liked the taste - like my husband does with his fancy IPA's - and I questioned whether or not this was family history repeating itself. Every sip I took of that 2nd or sometimes 3rd glass of wine, I debating pouring right back into the bottle or down the drain. I took away that relaxed enjoyment because I was encasing that moment in a bubble of stress. Holding myself to certain "drinking days" didn't help, because there are plenty of Wednesday's where a glass of wine sounded divine, and plenty of Saturday's where I wasn't in the mood. So, I decided to remove the restrictions by adding some guidelines; I only drink 1-2 days a week when I am in social settings or sharing a night with my husband, I never drink when I'm out with my kids (which has resulted in a few sober New Year's Eve parties - a challenge I gladly accepted), and I only ever drink if it's coming from a place of enjoyment - not stress, anger, or any negative associations. I also like to check in with myself here and there and give myself weeks off, partially because I know it's good for my body and partially to check in with the addiction side of my genes. It's a balance I have found by checking in again and again with myself, being aware of my own habits, and using that sense of awareness to move forward with a struggle that has had great power over me. 

And, of course, there's always the food. The food struggle is always very real for me, as it has been since my teenage years. Since the birth of our 2nd daughter over 5 years ago, I have gone through every elimination diet there is to offer, and been strict enough with my eating habits to bring my own food to family gatherings and even my cousin's wedding (where I was in the wedding party, eating my organic sweet potato and chicken out of the Tupperware I made my mother carry around with her). I thought this was making me feel good; that I was meal prepping and honoring my body by being this extreme with my food choices, when really I was adding more anxiety not only to my life but to those who had to have me as a guest. Family members never knew what to cook for me and took offense when I brown-bagged it. My kids were always thoroughly disappointed when I wouldn't taste their dessert of choice when going out to eat. And my husband and I were never the type to share meals because I couldn't have an exact breakdown of the ingredients in what he ordered. This "healthy" lifestyle became less about health and more about control. What I learned was that by controlling every little morsel that touched my lips, I was missing out on amazing opportunities. I was missing moments, missing the ability to create memories, I was missing out on the enjoyment. I wasn't a part of the family dinner despite being at the same table. I couldn't talk about how my taste buds exploded when I tried someone's famous meal, and I was certainly not the one you asked to go out for dessert with because I probably wouldn't order any - and would refuse the bite you'd offer me, too. So, 2017 taught me to cut the shit and eat the cake. I can eat healthy all I want on a day-to-day basis, so some lasagna at a party won't kill me. I gladly taste my kids treats now simply to share their sugary enjoyment - and to teach them that the best things in life really are shared. As a result, holidays and social gatherings are much more enjoyable - for me and everyone around me. I am thankful for experiencing these food struggles so that I can move forward with enjoyment and ease in 2018.  

So those are my big ones. My 3 biggest struggles of 2017 that tore me up enough to create enormous change. I can have the happy marriage I choose, I can have those extra glasses of wine without anxiety, and I can eat in a healthful manner without being a total control freak. I had to learn a lot about myself in order to get here, because without knowing my own needs, my own abilities, and my own habits, none of these changes would have been possible. The struggle never ends, and to quote Mark Manson yet again, "happiness comes from solving problems...to be happy we need something to solve. Happiness is therefore a form of action...problems never stop; they merely get exchanged and/or upgraded". I look forward to the problems 2018 gives me to solve.